EDWYN'S HOME AGAIN

Tuesday 22 April 2008









I'd never seen Edwyn Collins live before and, in view of his well-documented illness, I wondered if it would be anything like the real thing. I needn't have worried.

Sadly the Upper seated area wasn't open so we chose the seating downstairs - we're getting too old for this rock 'n' roll lark.

Unfortunately there's very little inclination to the seating so you can't really see much at all, no matter how tall you are (I'm 6 foot 3). I wasn't too bothered and was happy to just listen, with the occasional glimpse of Edwyn or Roddy. The GLW ventured off to the moshpit for the middle section of the gig because she's just ickle.

While Edwyn understandably struggled with some of his speech, his singing voice was in fine form and a set filled with golden oldies and new classics went down a storm. For those who are interested in such things (aren't we all?) the setlist was: Falling and Laughing, Poor Old Soul, What Presence, Home Again, Make Me Feel Again, One Is A Lonely Number, You'll Never Know (My Love), Hope and Despair, One Track Mind, Wheels of Love, Rip It Up, Then I Cried, A Girl Like You. The encores were: Searching For The Truth, Blue Boy, Don't Shilly Shally.

It was fitting that my first gig (the first I'll admit to anyway) was Aztec Camera at The Queen's Hall in December 1983 and here we are, 25 years later, with Roddy riding shotgun to Edwyn and still looking about 15. Bastard!

Our telly has died. Over the past few months it has taken to switching itself on and off, sometimes as many as 10 times, before it settles down. In the last couple of weeks the sound started going too with it only returning after a solid slap to the side of it. We bit the bullet and got a new telly, which arrived this morning. It seems you can't buy a telly anymore that's anything less than 3 feet high but we managed to get a 32" Sony Bravia. Now these things are supposed to plug in and go but I found it anything but. It was almost an hour and half before I go it going. I went through the manual page by page but it just wasn't straight forward enough for me. It made me feel stupid and I'm not. Honest.

It's two gigs in a week for me as I head of to Glasgow on Sunday to see I Am Kloot at ABC2 on Sauchiehall Street. I got the tickets as I present for Gaz's birthday and I've promised him a bag of chips as well. I'm even going to pick him up from his door and drop him off there in the early hours. My only concerns are parking (I think the City Parking charge £2 all day on a Sunday, which isn't too deadly) and the fact that the Old Firm are playing at 1230. Fingers crossed there isn't any trouble after it. I'm a lover not a fighter. And I bruise like a peach.

LIFE IS LIKE A SLOW TRAIN...

Monday 21 April 2008

I'm glad to say that last night's show went swimmingly. No major cock-ups with the exception of playing Lesley Gore instead of The Vernon Girls.

Here's last night's running order:

John Mayall - Crawling Up A Hill
The Quik - Bert's Apple Crumble (show theme)
Harpers Bizarre - Come To The Sunshine
Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street
The Action - I'll Keep Holding On
Brenda Lee - The Letter
Barbara Mills - (Make It Last) Take Your Time
Pearly Gates - Johnny and the Jukebox
Joy Dawn - Hang It Up (Connect 3)
Warm Sounds - The Nite Is Comin' (Connect 3)
The Grass Roots - Midnight Confessions (Connect 3)
The Everly Brothers - Talking To The Flowers
Gladys Knight and the Pips - Here Are The Pieces of My Broken Heart
Johnny Tillotson - Send The Pillow You Dream On (Birthday)
Billie Davis - Tell Him
Delroy Wilson - Better Must Come
Christine Delarouche - La Porte A Cote (Foreign Language)
Kathy Lynn and the Playboys - Little Baby
Harry J All Stars - The Liquidator
Nat King Cole - Too Young To Go Steady (Request!)
The Hipster Image - Can't Let Her Go
The Munx - Our Dream
The Darlettes - Lost
Tintern Abbey - Vacuum Cleaner
The Barracudas - Summer Fun (Under The Influence)
The Barracudas - (I Wish It Could Be) 1965 Again (Under The Influence)
Lesley Gore - It's My Party
Brenda Holloway - Tell Me Your Story
The Tiffanys - Gossip
The 2 of Clubs - Walk Tall (Like A Man) (Connect 3)
Jet Harris and Tony Meehan - Diamonds (Connect 3)
The Emeralds - King Lonely the Blue (Connect 3)
The Association - Come On In
Denita James - I Have Feelings Too
The Kinks - I'm Not Like Everybody Else (Two of a Kind)
The Kinks - This Man He Weeps Tonight (Two of a Kind)
Pam Grier - Long Time Woman

Feel free to suggest something you might like me to play. Unless you're in the Kirkcaldy area you won't hear it of course but it's the thought, isn't it?

I'm still off work sick. My stomach and head are in a mess. My new anti-depressants are still taking time to kick in (the changeover was hellish and I was climbing the walls) and the peppermint tablets for my bowel are working, up to a point but I'm still sore and tender. However, my farts smell all minty and... PING!... I have 'ring of confidence'!

Watching last night's TV BAFTAs was interesting, if a little predictable. I'm glad Harry Hill won his awards because I do enjoy his TV Burp but the whole "Gavin and Stacey" thing has passed me by and I'm rather indifferent to it - it's this year's Little Britain. I think Peter Capaldi should have won for "The Thick of It".

Football: Doesn't Sir Trevor Brooking look like a turtle's head? Thank you Ian Wright for doing the decent thing and getting off the football coverage. You made Mark Lawrenson sound interesting and that's saying something. I was almost tempted to e-mail Sky Sports at the weekend because the football analysts for one of the games were Jamie Redknapp and Paul Merson whose continual butchery of the English language drives me up the wall.

I've pretty much finished writing the two quiz night "gigs" I'm doing soon and I've also got the offer of another! The GLW and I have realised that we need a car each because one of the contributors to my stress is public transport. I've also supported public transport but my continual battles with Stagecoach are beginning to take it's toll.

You'll recall recently my battles to get a bus shelter at my local stop. Basically, the Council said that not enough people used it to warrant one. I might have just been able to handle that if I didn't see a bus shelter being erected at the very next stop; a stop which has no more passengers than mine and a stop which is now serviced by even less buses (the D3/D4 circular routes have been expanded to cover more new houses, other areas where no-one lives and a Health Centre, which isn't even open, so the Masterton Roundabout, a main junction, is only covered by the D7). I've asked the Transportation Services department of Fife Council for an explanation.

The GLW and I are off to Edinburgh tonight to see Edwyn Collins at The Queen's Hall. Roddy Frame is playing guitar and Dave Ruffy is on drums too.

RADIO KILLED THE GAME SHOW STAR

Sunday 13 April 2008



















My career with Kirkcaldy VRN was almost over before it started. I won't bore you with all the details but despite arriving at the station half an hour before showtime, it kicked off twenty minutes late.

Here is the somwhat amended playlist for "Where The Action Is", which I present under my nom-de-plume of The Cat:

The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again (full version so I have time to gather my thoughts and compose myself after the dramas)
Cilla Black - Work Is A Four Letter Word (Connect 3)
The Beatle-ettes - Only Seventeen (Connect 3)
Janice Nicholls - I'll Give It Five (Connect 3)
The Action - Baby You've Got It
Truth and Beauty - Tuff Little Surfer Boy
Al Green - Here I Am (Come and Get Me) (Birthday)
Ricky and Sandy - Lost My Girl
Dana Gillespie - You Just Gotta Know My Mind
France Gall - Laisse Tomber Des Filles (Foreign Language)
The Fortunes - Carolina (My first ever listener request!)
The Cryan Shames - Greenburg, Glickstein, Charles, David Smith and Jones
The Bittersweets - The Hurtin' Kind
Cher - Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Timebox - Soul Sauce
The Beach Boys - Don't Worry Baby
The Moody Blues - Ride My See Saw
Mamas and the Papas - Glad To Be Unhappy
Tom Jones - Dr. Love
Duffy - Mercy (Under The Influence)
Duffy - Warwick Avenue (Under the Influence)
Nancy Sinatra - Last of the Secret Agents
Val McKenna - House For Sale
Jackie Lee - The Town I Live In
Manfred Mann - Ha Ha Said The Clown
Jan and Dean - The Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga Sewing Circle Book Review and Timing Association (Connect 3)
Shirley Ellis - Ever See A Diver Kiss His Wife While The Bubbles Bounce About Above The Water (Connect 3)
Alma Cogan - Just Couldn't Resist Her With Her Pocket Transistor (Connect 3)
Gary Puckett & The Union Gap - Lady Willpower
Gene Pitney - Tremblin'
The Monkees - Valleri (Two of a Kind)
The Monkees - Mary Mary (Two of a Kind)
Jimmy Radcliffe - Long After Tonight Is All Over

Keith, whose Twilight Time show is on after mine, turned up in time for a welcoming chat and some useful advice. I'd "trained" Keith at Radio West Fife but he didn't stay long there and has been at VRN for 18 months and he really enjoys it. We even had some on-air banter too, just like real DJs! Roll on next Sunday.

I SOLD MY DREAMS AWAY

Wednesday 9 April 2008

I haven't blogged for a while because I've been ill. Not physically ill enough that i couldn't drag myself to the computer but mentally ill. There have been some physical ailments too, which are manifestations of my current stress and anxiety levels.

The back pains have gone, while the throats problems are lingering like a bad smell. My doctor have given me some peppermint type tablets for my stomach problems and she's trying me on new anti-depressants; I think these are my fourth or fifth different ones.

I've been off work since last Tuesday when my combined ailments struck. Last week was spent lazing around feeling sorry for myself while eating for comfort. I've now been signed off for another fortnight and I'm determined to drag myself up and get myself motivated. I've made lists of things to do over the last three days and am managing to get through them, which gives me an enormous sense of achievement. However, the "black dog" is still lurking and that continues to be a struggle.

























Now let me think what good news can I bring you to cheer you (and me) up. Well, since I last wrote the football boots I won in February have finally arrived (modelled by Wayne Rooney in the picture above). I'm still awaiting the other bits and pieces. We won a weekend in a Travelodge for four people via the Sunday Express Sportsword crossword. I also followed in the GLW's footsteps by winning a £25 runners-up prize in the Sunday Express' Skeleton crossword.

One of the major boosts to my confidence has been my acceptance as a presenter on (the award-winning) Kirkcaldy VRN, the hospital radio station which broadcasts to local hospitals and beyond. Normally it takes 3 months of training (a probationary period) before they would even think of putting you on air but because I've done it before I took to it fairly easily. We're using a system called Myriad 3, which is like a big Windows Media Player. My first show is this Sunday (5-7) and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in. I need some fine tuning but that comes with practice. More importantly, the people I've met have been really friendly and very helpful.

I've pretty much decided what I'm going to play and it'll be along the lines of my previous show on RWF, where I played mod, soul, girl groups, sunshine pop and all manner of delights from the late 50s through to the early 70s. I'll post my set list after the show (we're not allowed to do it before we broadcast) so you can see what I'm playing. I'll use my old nom-de-plume too, The Cat, and my show will be called "Where The Action Is".

I've also written another Recommend piece for The Scotsman and that should be in next Wednesday's edition, which will be celebrating their first anniversary of the feature.

I finally managed to get hold of Care's "Diamonds and Emeralds" CD, which brings together their singles and the "lost" album. I got it on eBay for £1.70 - my kind of record shopping. When I get a minute I'll post a couple of tracks. For those of you who don't know Care, they were Paul Simpson of The Wild Swans and ubiquitous scouse popster Ian Broudie of Lightning Seeds fame. Because it's a compilation of bits and pieces rather than a "proper" album, it can seem a bit patchy and "of it's time" but I like it a lot. "Flaming Sword" certainly stills stands up as a fine pop song. Hell, I remember that even my mother liked it and that's saying something.

One of my favourite bands, The Orchids, are playing in Glasgow tomorrow night but as it's only a short set (it's a charity gig with loads of bands doing small sets) I've decided to give it a miss. I have, however, managed to tickets for The Proclaimers gig at Dunfermline's Carnegie Hall in July. It's a charity gig to help send a local lad to Florida to get some dolphin therapy.

On my list of chores to do while I'm off is to sort Sky+, which is happening on Saturday. We got fed up missing programmes we wanted to catch so we've bitten the bullet. We're going to change our broadband over too but we'll have to wait until the start of June as we're still under contract to BT. I phoned BT yesterday to check on how I would go about changing and not surprisingly my concerns were cast aside as the woman not only tried to sell me BT Vision (their Sky+) but she managed, rather magically, to take £5 off our monthly Broadband bill if we signed up for another 12 months! This begs the question, why not sell me Broadband at £17.99 ALL the time, instead of when I'm threatening to leave. There was also some scaremongering about what Sky might or might not be able to deliver! I said I'd call back in June. The only good part is the call to BT was free, while the calls to Sky were on an 0844 number. I was on the phone to Sky for more than 15 minutes and the woman I spoke to even read out some lengthy Terms and Conditions at my expense, which I hardly had time to take in.

I've also put a couple of items up for auction on eBay. Mike Joyce, drummer with The Smiths, sat in for Marc Riley on his "Rocket Science" show on BBC6 Music and gave away some of his Smiths own stuff in a competition. These included a "Shakespeare's Sister" signed 12" white label, some original Rough Trade postcards and an English Tour programme from 1985. I've decided to sell them because, whilst they're nice items, I can't really enjoy them. I have the songs and someone else might appreciate them more. I have other Smiths items of worth but those mean too much to me.

Stop...coffee time.

NO REST FOR THE WICKED

Monday 31 March

I felt bad enough this morning (back, throat, stomach, mental) without a stand up argument with the driver on the X57 adding to my misery. I’d cross swords with him before. Basically, he’d failed to stop at a stop that other drivers of the same bus had stopped at. What annoyed me even more was that I was arguing that he should stop there only to realise when I got off the bus that it was the other drivers who were wrong and, as a result, that made me wrong. This gets me even more worked up as I stomped back along the Dean Bridge towards work. It really is no wonder people don’t want to use public transport. I’m sick and tired of drivers who don’t know where they’re going; don’t know what ticket to sell you and a local council who pays lip service to any notion of promoting public transport use.

One of the problems I have is that I’m a 45-minute walk, even with my long legs, from the nearest train station. If I wanted to go the train station with the GLW in the morning, I would have to change my working hours so as to get a lift to the train station. Even if I walked to Rosyth or Dunfermline Press train station I would then have to walk from Haymarket Station because there isn’t a direct bus service to Fettes. Which means I would have to go to Waverley and then get a Lothian Buses pass. I shouldn’t have to do that though, should I?

I’ve resisted the temptation to go home at lunchtime, even though I probably should. Thankfully, I’m getting a lift home so I can have a shower before I go to the radio station tonight. Maybe that’ll put some life in me.

As it turned out the Request Show went pretty well and Bob seems happpy enough with my progress in the little time I've been there. There's a big meeting on Wednesday so I'll get to meet some of the other presenters.

Sunday 30 March

Most of the day was spent doing the crosswords and competitions from Thursday’s Dunfermline (De)Press, Friday’s Express, Saturday’s Telegraph and Daily Record and Sunday’s News of the World, Express and Mail on Sundays. You’ve got to be in it to win it.

Also had a good neb at our new neighbours. They may have a dog, they may smoke and they may come from West Lothian (WL van hire company) but at the movement this is purely guesswork. One thing I do know, they have the same lawnmower. The chances of them being into indie pop and board games are probably slim though. I’m just glad the other family has gone. It used to wind me up when they used to park outside our house when they had access to a total of four spaces of their own (two on their drive, one in front of the drive and one in front of the lawn). The kids are ill disciplined with parents who have no concept of common courtesy or childcare. I won’t miss the kids constantly kicking balls into our garden or the youngest one doing the toilet wherever he felt like it; whether it be pissing behind the bins at number 7 or taking a dump in their own back garden. They won’t be missed.

Saturday 29 March

The GLW and the Flickster had a birthday party to go to at lunchtime so I did a couple of CDs for Gaz of Jackie Leven and John Martyn, as well as some general pottering about. My mother-in-law came over to baby-sit as we had tickets for “Black Watch” at the Rothes Hall, Glenrothes.
What can I say about “Black Watch” that hasn’t already been said? Simply stunning, would do for a start. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it was the most amazing piece of theatre I have ever seen. After the standing ovation we left in stunned silence. The GLW and I were nearly in tears. The Glenrothes shows were all sold out but it goes on to the SECC in Glasgow for a week in mid April. Go and see it because you won’t be disappointed.

Friday 28 March

Back to work. Five of us went to Pizza Express for Nikki’s leaving do (technically she’s only gone up the corridor to cover for maternity leave but since when did that stop us having a “do”?) and then to the Police Club for a few drinks, which is handy for the bus station. Unfortunately the way the buses connect in the evening I can either wait 30 minutes for a D7 home from the Ferrytoll, or 5 minutes. Obviously the 5-minute transfer is a bit tight and somewhat risky if there are any delays. I took the safe option, got the 2200 bus from Edinburgh Bus Station and sat with my mp3 player for company at the Ferrytoll for half an hour. I was thoroughly depressed by the time I got home.

Thursday 27 March

Today we all had a day off for the GLW’s cousin’s wedding at Dalhousie Castle. The venue is near where I used to go to school so I know the area very well but even I couldn’t believe some of the changes. If there were any more houses in the Sherwood/Cockpen area, Bonnyrigg and Newtongrange would merge as one.

At least half of the GLW’s cousins were in attendance and I met people whose names I couldn’t remember and who I hadn’t seen for at least a couple of years. The day dragged on a bit as the moaning photographer when through his tick list of group wedding photographs – all the men, all the women, all of the bride’s friends and family, all of the groom’s friends and family, all the kilts, you get the idea…

There was a live band, who were just okay (the guitarist fancied himself as a bit of a Hendrix) but because I wasn’t drinking I wasn’t really in the mood to dance either. I didn’t mind staying sober, to be honest. Most of the time I find drinking rather dull and pointless.

Wednesday 26 March

I really didn’t know what to expect with the Jackie Leven gig. Having only heard one album and read of Jackie’s battles with alcoholism and mental health, I half expected to see some sort of dishevelled drunkard staggering on stage with a bottle of Bourbon in one hand and a well-worn beat-up old guitar in the other. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After an excellent support slot from Doug Johnstone* (of Northern Alliance), Jackie appeared from the crowd, opened up his guitar case, got a couple of drinks sorted (lager and a double vodka if I’m not mistaken) and off he went.

*Doug's set was a mixture of The Ossians' songs, Northern Alliance songs and new songs. The approximate set list was: St. Andrew's Day, My Evil Twin, Question Mark, Patron Saint of Sore Throats/Dry Your Eyes (The Streets), We Hit The Town Drinkin', Tomb of the Eagles, ? and A Song For The End Of The Set.

Jackie kicked off with Elegy For Johnny Cash and this was followed, between stories, by Kings of Infinite Space/Me and Mrs Jones, Classic Northern Diversions, Here Come The Urban Ravens (Homage to Kevin Coyne), Another Man's Rain/Here Comes The Sun, Olivier Blues, Exit Wound, Single Father, Farm Boy (part) and Little Voice in Space/Bobby Shafto. The songs were interspersed with all manner of stories and witticisms with topics mentioned including the Norwegian fjords, armed robbers, weirdos on trains, his favourite episode of Columbo, Johnny Cash, Tony Bennett, Niles Crane, Laurence Olivier and Kevin Coyne. This gig will live with me for a long time and I can't wait to see him again.

I had been more nervous about the drive into Edinburgh and the search for a parking space but those were unfounded. I got easily parked on Chambers Street, although I think I broke the law on at least one occasion because a misleading traffic sign saw me follow two taxis onto Princes Street. I even had the luxury of having a not-very-nice Fish Supper in the comfort of the car before the gig.

Anyway, on the way back to the car after the gig I walked past Wilkie House, where I’d first met the GLW many moons ago, and walked up the steps at Guthrie Street. I heard a lot of noise coming from Chambers Street and when I got to the top of the steps I realised what the brou-ha-ha was all about. A group of young Goths (I use the phrase “Goths” loosely because they weren’t proper Goths, not the Goths I grew up with) were arguing with a man in his 40s/50s and the man then pushed one of the female Goths over on the pavement. She hit the pavement with such force that I decided to call the police. After giving a full description and feeling proud of myself for doing my civic duty, I got in the car and tried to work out how the hell I would get out of Edinburgh.

Not surprisingly, I took a wrong lane on Queen Street (again down to piss poor street markings that were invisible in the rain and dark) and ended up going round Charlotte Square. I knew I couldn’t go down Queensferry Street so I had to do a u-turn and finally found my way back to the road home. It didn’t end there though, oh no it didn’t. Just as I got over the Dean Bridge my phone went off. Instinctively, I answered it, only to hear the police at the other end. I pulled over! They just wanted further descriptions of what had happened on Chambers Street.
There was only one more incident on the way home. As I turned into Carnegie Drive on the outskirts of Dunfermline, from the A823, I saw a red car wrapped around a lamppost on the left hand side of the road. Now I know that there’s an “adverse camber” sign on the kerbside opposite but he/she must have been going at some speed to have such an “accident”. (I say “accident” but I don’t really believe there is such a thing. Accidents are preventable. When I did my Pass Plus course they always referred to “crashes” and not “accidents”).

BLACK WATCH (Rothes Hall, Glenrothes)














This is the most amazing piece of theatre I have seen in my life. You MUST see it. But don't just take my word for it. See these reviews.

TESTING, TESTING, 1, 2, 3

I'm trying out this music on the Blog malarkey!

Here's what the NME would probably call the New Wave of Power Pop.

New Pornographers - The Laws Have Changed

I like Pete Yorn's first couple of albums but I feel his constant tourinng in America is turning him inot a corporate behemoth, with nothing to show for it but some great tunes and a loyal, small but perfectly formed fanbase. I love "Sense".

Pete Yorn - Sense

Okay so they used to be the Sea Urchins but Delta are/were cruelly underrated.

Delta - Low Flying

Enjoy.

RADIO RADIO

Tuesday 25 March

It’s back to the 9 to 5, or 8 to 4 in my case. It’s a busy old week with a gig on Wednesday (Jackie Leven), a wedding on Thursday, a leaving “do” on Friday and some cultcha with a trip to Glenrothes to see “Black Watch”. It’s amazing I’ve got time to go to work at all.

I really must get this Sky+ business sorted out. There are too many programmes on just now that clash and I’m fed up missing out. I’m enjoying “Mad Men” but I keep falling asleep because it’s on late.

I also need to fix the cold tap in the en-suite bathroom but I’m to DIY what Harold Shipman was to geriatric care.

Monday 24 March

Spent the morning going round a couple of wards at the Victoria asking for hospital radio requests. It was an interesting experience and I met some fascinating people. Elizabeth, who was showing me the ropes, and I returned to the studio to dig out the records requested. I said that I would go home and download or copy the tracks that weren’t on the studio system or in the record library. The requests we gathered included Placido Domingo, Mario Lanza, Steely Dan, Air, Carly Simon, Tina Turner, Arthur Conley, Paul and Paula (for a patient called Paula), The Beatles, Glenn Millar, Russell Watson and Buddy Holly.

I returned to the station in the evening only to be met by some of the local feral youths in the car park. One of them made a non-verbal gesture with his hands towards me as I drove past. I think he was “magicking the beans”! (Their parents must be so proud). Anyway the distraction was enough for me to leave the lights on and forget to lock the car. Thankfully someone from the hospital spotted it and phoned the police, who in turn got in touch with the GLW, who then phoned the studio during the show!

That’s right “during the show”. Bob started the request show and I though I’d just be doing more training but he threw me in at the deep end and I ended up doing almost all of the show. Having collected the requests personally it felt good reading them out and playing them for the people I’d spoken to earlier in the day. I always believe that communication with your listeners is important. This is something I picked up from Andrew Collins when he did his BBC6 Music. He always made time to reply to any queries or questions, even when he was on air. Iain Waugh and Grant Stott do that at Forth One as well. It’s the little personal touches that make the difference.

Apart from a couple of minor glitches, I thought it went well and, more importantly, Bob thought so too. I even managed to use the turntables, something I didn’t do at Radio West Fife. I’m supposed to go through a 3-month probation before I get a show but it may be sooner – fingers crossed.

Sunday 23 March

After dropping the girls off at church I popped into Tossco for the Sunday papers and was over the moon to see that I, like the GLW a few weeks ago, had won a £25 runners-up prize in the Sunday Express Skeleton crossword. I phoned my old friend Dorothy to compare prizes as she and her husband had won the Scottish crossword from a Friday edition of the Scottish Daily Express. Her prize was £100 and a bottle of whisky.

After a quick go at the crosswords and comps, we headed off to Elizabeth and David’s for our traditional Easter gathering. It’s all food and drink although the GLW is delighted that this year, for the first time, it’ll be me who’s driving so she can have a drink or three. We introduced a quiz over the last few years with host Dave as quizmaster. I paired up with my father-in-law this year but we lost out after some appalling marking. I made a couple of writing errors (I wrote down Peter Boone instead of Peter Noone, a simple mistake) and they wouldn’t accept them. I couldn’t even blame being drunk of the errors. The GLW said if it had been anyone else she’d have given me the points! I’m going to take them to the Quiz Court of Arbitration. I’ll be back…(evil laugh)…

Saturday 22 March

The GLW and the Flickster went into Edinburgh for haircuts and I amused myself in Dunfermline. I finally found a charger for my Nokia 6111. Argos had a universal one for £4.99, although I was somewhat bemused that it came in a small white box with no instructions or information! It could have come off a market stall for all I knew.

Friday 21 March 2008

This is the personalised bottle of whisky I won in a competition from The List magazine. It also have a few lines on the back that read "For services to television and radio game/quiz shows"! What the hell, if I can't blow my own trumpet then who can?

Yesterday's Dunfermline (De)Press has brought another funny story. The Council are trying to buy a house that doesn't exist from a man they can't find! You couldn't make this up.

Stagecoach have bought out Rennies to increase their monopoly in Fife. So this is what our fares "reviews" pay for.

The English Broadcasting Corporation has bought the rights to Formula 1 for an estimated price of up to £200m, yet can't find £3m for the rights to broadcast Scotland's football matches. Mind you, if we had a Scottish Broadcasting Corporation it would have just as bad, with a bias towards Glasgow.

Dunfermline Football Club have sold their old Astroturf pitch tiles on eBay. It put the idea in my head to astroturf the whole of our back garden. The grass is very damp, has poor drainage and we could spend a small fortune trying to sort it out.

I'm thinking of putting music on my Blog. Any advice from readers as to how to go about it?

STAND AND (DON’T) DELIVER

Monday 17 March

My first job of the day is to send a complaint to Idea Generation, the PR company dealing with the Mojo competition (about APC), and to APC Overnight themselves for their piss poor service. I suggest to Idea Generation that they ask for some sort of refund because they didn’t get what they paid for. I tried phoning the HQ of APC but they insisted that complaints need to be sent to local depots, despite the fact that their website calls their HQ the Customer Relations Department. This makes me less hopefully that there will be any kind of recourse regards the shoddy service. My experience of franchised delivery depots is not good (yes, Amtrak, I haven’t forgotten) so I’m not hopeful.

Tonight I pop along to Kirkcaldy VRN for an informal chat with a view to joining the hospital radio station.

Sunday 16 March

It’s up early for Flick’ Team Relay Race for Sport Relief. Great fun was had by all as parents and children alike ran the course. In fact, we all did it twice, including special guest Spencer from kids TV programme Balamory. Luckily their were no drug controls at the events as Flick has taken a banned substance prior to the race; namely Tixylix. If push came to shove I’d have taken her urine test for her although I suspect it would’ve contained an abnormally high level of Stella, especially for a three year old.

Saturday 15 March

As I didn’t get home until late on Friday I had to get up early (7am) to phone APC Overnight again. I told a girl called Lorna about the non-delivery and asked her if it could be delivered today, she said it couldn’t. When I pointed out the mistakes were her company’s she insisted it couldn’t be delivered until Monday morning at the earliest. She did apologise but I felt that wasn’t enough. I even asked if they could deliver it to my work address. She took the details and said she would check. She came back on the phone and they couldn’t deliver it as it would need to go to another depot and that there would be an additional charge!! Eventually, I asked her for the address of their depot and I went and got it myself. I had to drive from Dunfermline to a well-hidden muddy pothole-ridden industrial estate on the outskirts of Edinburgh, with a three year-old in tow.

The wait has been worth it though because the books are absolutely fantastic. Have a look at the links below about the three books. My copies are the “ordinary” versions, which are anything but ordinary.

DAVID BOWIE – STATION TO STATION
BOB MARLEY – REBEL MUSIC
ELVIS PRESLEY – THE BIRTH OF ROCK

Picked up Gary at the Ferrytoll and we spent the afternoon watching the football results come in while Gaz tuned and played the guitar.

The GLW returned from her Guides trip to Dumfries in time to watch the “Funny People” (Flick’s name for “You’ve Been Framed”) and “Harry Hill’s TV Burp”.

Friday 14 March

Andrew was leaving our work to go and live in Germany so I was persuaded by my colleagues to pop along for a couple of drinks. The GLW picked me up and, after a bite to eat; I retired to the comfort of my bed.

Thursday 13 March

Walked from the West End this morning in a vague attempt to get some sort of exercise. It was cold but I had some tunes for company – The Smiths, My Bloody Valentine, The Darling Buds, Val McKenna, Icicle Works, The Mighty Wah etc.

Been feeling rather depressed for a couple of days now. After the “high” of the Training Day, I’m back down to earth with the mundanity of my working day. I sometimes wonder how I’ve got time to work with all my extra curricular projects to do.

I did an interview with Martin Ingram at Original 106 FM this morning about the Jock ‘n’ Roll website and my “career” as a quiz/game show contestant. It went out on Sunday between 10 and 2 on his Sunday brunch show. I also recorded a feature for his breakfast show called “Are You Smarter Than…”. In this case, it was “Are You Smarter Than A Quiz Show Contestant?” and he posed me five questions. I scored three out of five. I think it’ll be broadcast this week sometime.

I get home to find yet another card from APC Overnight (an ironic name). This time it has a note attached saying I need to re-arrange delivery or it’ll be returned to sender within 5 days!! So I phone them up again and tell them I’ve already re-arranged it for delivery on Friday. The man I spoke to said he’ll have a word with the driver, who has just come back.

The rest of the evening is spent driving around Dunfermline. I pick up another prize (a personalised bottle of Famous Grouse whisky, won from The List magazine, pictured) from the Sorting Office, then I head off to Asda to collect a prescription, Carnegie College to pay for my course (I find out that there’s a least another 6 people doing the course) and Tesco for the food shopping/Dunfermline (De)Press. I manage to get it all done before 8, without driving like an idiot.

Wednesday 12 March

WMESB™: The D7 was late and the X57 stopped at the wrong stop at the West End of Edinburgh.

Not feeling too great this morning. I’m enduring a “low mood” today due in no small part to my continuing frustration at a number of aspects of my life.

I return to work to find an e-mail telling me that my Dreamweaver course is, as far as Carnegie College are aware, still going ahead in April. The problem is that the course is on a Monday night and that’s when Bob at Kirkcaldy VRN does his training. Hmm, what to do?

Despite rearranging delivery for Friday APC have left another card saying they tried to deliver a parcel! If we’d wanted it delivered on Wednesday I’d have asked them on Monday to do that, instead of opting for Friday. It’s that kind of incompetence that does my head in. A simple instruction not adhered to.

Spent most of the night doing updates to the Jock ‘n’ Roll website, including a plug for the really rather excellent Chemikal Underground online shop and website. Also managed to find my ILA card so I can pay for my Dreamweaver course at Carnegie College tomorrow night.

Taped the Sport Relief edition of The Apprentice and then tuned into Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.

Tuesday 11 March

I’m out of the office today for a departmental training and development day – “team building” if you’d rather. Got a bit of a lie-in and helped drop off Flick at pre-school before getting the train into Waverley. I only get the train on exceptional occasions because I had an unpleasant run in with two members of their staff and as a result I refuse to give them any money.

The training day was an enjoyable experience, even though I made an arse of myself on a couple of games. We then headed off to Jimmy Chung’s for a Chinese buffet. After two plates of starters and one main course I had to throw in the towel.

I got the bus to the Ferrytoll and just missed my D7 so I had to wait for almost half an hour for the next one. I don’t like the Ferrytoll at the best of times but in the evenings it feel even more soulless and desolate. While I was waiting, someone, who I think was a couple of whiskeys short of a round, started playing some Gerry and the Pacemakers! At least it made a pleasant change from bland R ’n’ B or Happy Hardcore.

Luckily my friend Fiona got off a bus from Edinburgh and we waited together for the D7 and put the world to rights on the journey home.

Monday 10 March

Got home to find that a company called APC had tried to deliver a parcel. Fingers crossed, it might actually be the books from Mojo. Anyway, after three attempts to rearrange delivery someone finally answered the phone. I asked for it to be delivered later in the week, when the GLW doesn’t work, and the lady I spoke to said that wouldn’t be a problem.

Called Bob at Kirkcaldy VRN to arrange a trip to see him next Monday. I’ve applied to work at Kirkcaldy VRN, hopefully doing a show. Like Radio West Fife, VRN isn’t actually based at the hospital it’s affiliated to. I was hoping to do a dry run to see exactly where I should be going but I won’t have an opportunity before Monday. Hopefully my experience will be better than the last time I went to Kirkcaldy, when I didn’t have a Scooby where I was going.

Rather pissed off to find that “Damages” isn’t on. It’s only after I send an e-mail of complaint to the BBC (this is becoming a regular occurrence) that I find out that it’s because of Sport Relief. Whilst I’m looking forward to the Sport Relief version of The Apprentice and Flick’s own Team Relay Race, a lot of the other programmes leave me cold. Sport Portraits, my arse.

I HAVE NO BANANAS

Thursday 6 March

WMESB™: The D7 was late and the X57 stopped at the wrong stop at the West End of Edinburgh.

The traffic was horrendous last night and the X54, after nearly being taken out by a dickhead driver just after Craigleith, finally pulled into the Ferrytoll Park and Ride around 1740. When we got there, there was a police car present and a woman was being spoken to by a couple of Fife Constabulary’s finest. My D7 turned up so I was able to find out what was happening but I heard something about the female passenger interfering with the driver – oo-er missus!! She didn’t seem the type but it takes all sorts. (Stop Press: She was a South African woman who thought the bus driver was speeding and started kicking up a fuss!! However, the police worked out that she counted have seen the speedometer from where she was sitting!! What a loony!)

I was more worried about not getting home in time for my big TV appearance. I made it home only for the weather to turn and the ensuing wind and rain interfered with the telly picture. The Flickster was delighted to see her daddy on the box but the poor picture spoiled it somewhat. Thankfully, I’m getting it taped by a couple of people. It’s also available on BBC iPlayer for a week. It’s episode 8 of “Brainbox Challenge”, under “BBC2, Page 2, Brainbox Challenge, Episode 8” if you haven’t seen it. I’m on halfway through.

I then checked my e-mails to find sympathetic comments from John and Archie (he reports on Scottish football for the Sunday Times). Even more surprising was some e-mails in the Jock ‘n’ Roll inbox from a couple of people who watched the show and then checked out the Jock ‘n’ Roll website as a result. It’s amazing how humiliating yourself on national television can get you publicity.

Someone at work e-mailed me this morning to say, “I know the camera adds 10lbs on you but how many cameras were on you. Lucky I was watching in wide screen.” That’s just cruel! Also, if I’ve heard one banana comment this morning, I’ve heard a whole bunch of them. It’s a good job I can laugh at myself. Ha-ha-bloody-ha!
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The Daily Record has been giving away a different children’s TV DVD every day this week. I cut out yesterday’s token and took it to RS McColl’s. The guy handed over the “Thomas the Tank Engine” one and then asked if I wanted any more because he “had loads”. He grabbed a handful of each of the ones from the previous days and handed them over. I’ll keep one of each for The Flickster and then give the rest to her nursery/pre-school. What a nice guy I am. I wonder if he’ll do the same tonight. (Stop Press: Tonight it’s “The Wiggles” but he gave me those yesterday). Tomorrow it’s “Fireman Sam” and on Saturday it’s “Bob The Builder”).
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Some sad news has just come through. The priest, who married the GLW and I, has passed away in Barcelona, whilst in the city for the match against Celtic. God bless you, Monsignor David Gemmell, you were a gent.
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A complaint to the BBC: “Viewers in Scotland will be unable to watch tonight's "Ashes To Ashes" because of live football coverage. When will this episode be shown or will viewers in Scotland be shown the series a week behind the rest of the country? I don't understand why the Rangers game couldn't have been shown on BBC2 Scotland. Not everyone has access to Sky (to watch it an English BBC channel) or a computer (to watch the show on iPlayer). I look forward to your comments.”

VIDEO KILLED THE GAME SHOW STAR

Wednesday 5 March

WMESB™: I noticed on the X57 to work this morning that a Fares Revision (that’s increase to you and me) on Megarider tickets is imminent, from 17 March.

The GLW had a long Guide meeting last night so I had the house to myself. No greater love hath a man for his woman than to agree to tape “America’s Next Top Model” even though it means he can’t change channel (we have Sky but no aerial so have to watch the channel we’re taping) to watch the football.

I found out that because BBC 2 Scotland shows Gaelic programmes on a Thursday the editions of “Brainbox Challenge” shown on a Thursday and Friday in England go out on Friday and Saturday in Scotland. So I’ll be on tonight and my pals will be shown up here on Friday. It was strange watching the show last night as there were a few others I had spent time with in the green room. I only shared a few hours with them but they feel like old friends.

After I found out about the scheduling I e-mailed a few people with my latest “Blatant Self Publicity” bulletin to let them know that my show would DEFINITELY be going out tonight. Andrew Collins suggested there was a book in it – “Memoirs of a Game Show Loser”, anyone? It planted a seed but I don’t think I have the skill to do it. Maybe I do but I always doubt my own abilities and it’ll just end up as another fanciful idea, another “contender”, another woulda-coulda-shoulda.

Watched some of Arsenal’s victory over AC Milan. I’ve never seen Milan look so ordinary. When the GLW came in I checked the tape of her ANTM show and the end of the programme, the last couple of vital minutes when they choose who stays and who goes, was lost because the tape ran out!! (Memo to self: Must get that Sky+ sorted). The GLW and I then settled down with a cup of tea and the video remote as we fast-forwarded our way through the last couple of editions of Mastermind, which we hadn’t watched.

Mastermind is one show I’ve never really considered going for although, when I did “Do They Not Know That”, an ITV Digital football quiz, as part of a Hibernian team, I had to do two solo rounds. I had to swat up on the Hibs career of Franck Sauzee and the Skol Cup winning run of 1991. I did well on the latter. In fact, I only got one question wrong and that was the score in the final, the first question!!! A lot of the information I needed to find out wasn’t available on the information super dual carriageway so I went to the National Library and trawled through the Scotsman and Evening News archives. It paid dividends as I scored 13 in 90 seconds, an impressive haul. The show itself was the Sagrada Familia of quizzes in that it went on forever (12 groups of 9 teams) and remains unfinished as ITV Digital went belly up before it was completed. Last year I managed to get copies of the shows we did (only one of them actually aired). Originally ITV wanted £150 for the DVDs but reneged and sent them for nothing as I’d been on the show. Pity the BBC weren’t so generous. I’m still trying to get copies of a couple of shows I was on and I’d love a decent copy of my “Wheel of Fortune” show, which I have on an old blank tape, but the Beeb charge £100 per show.

I have another Top 5 in today’s Scotsman with “Best Constructed Language” (add LINK). As a Brucie Bonus it’s also won me a meal for two at The Wee Restaurant in North Queensferry. Woo-hoo!

Grant Stott played 1981 on today’s Top Ten at Ten Plus Ten and I think it’s the best year ever for chart pop – Adam and the Ants, Depeche Mode, Kim Wilde et al. My favourite year ever is 1967.

My reaction to my TV appearance tomorrow...

UNIVERSALLY CHALLENGED

Tuesday 4 March

WMESB™: A reasonable straightforward journey into work, although the X57 driver told a passenger that he doesn’t stop at the Holiday Inn Garden Court, even though the bus stop says it should. And I KNOW it should because I am BUS MAN!!

Last night I attended the New Driver Evening at Fife Police HQ as part of the Pass Plus scheme. Fife Police, in conjunction with Fife Council, offer the scheme at a reduced rate so instead of paying £150 for 6 Pass Plus lessons, they offer a 75% discount giving a price of £35, which, i'm sure you'll agree, is very reasonable.

It was an hour and a half presentation, including an attempt to sell Advanced Driver Training lessons too. I might consider it if I had “spare” cash but I haven’t so I’ll await that Lotto win. I also couldn’t believe that two people turned up half an hour late for the presentation. I found the venue easily enough but the trip home wasn’t so straightforward as I took just one wrong turning at one of the many roundabouts and before I knew it I was back at Police HQ! Driving round roads I don’t know, in the dark, was rather scary and I suspect I may have committed several driving offences. Thankfully the roads were quiet. Perhaps my next TV appearance will be on "Police Camera Action 7". I pulled in at Police HQ, checked my map, saw where I had gone wrong (I blame the poor signage) and drove off.

The GLW had kindly bought me the Duffy album “Rockferry” to listen to while I drove to Glenrothes and back. After a couple of listens, albeit under the steady hum of an engine, I liked the album and I know that it’ll grow on me even more. What I like about the album is that it isn’t perfect. It’s good and an excellent debut but it’s not perfect. I see that the backlash has already started and some reviews were going down the very lazy new-Amy-Winehouse route. Duffy actually dropped her first name, Aimee, for fear of such comparisons. “Rockferry” augurs well for the future and good luck to her.

I tiptoed into the house at 9pm because the GLW was watching the final episode of “The Palace”. I busied myself doing, well, anything else I could think of. The GLW had taped the final of "University Challenge" so we watched it between “The Palace” and “Damages”. It was a good contest with Christ Church Oxford (captained by a lad who could easily have been in the Lovin' Spoonful or some other West Coast band in the 60s) triumphing over a one-man Sheffield effort. I didn’t get much right but the three-part question about the 1950 World Cup was meat and drink to me (The answers were Uruguay, India and England). As usual, the GLW got what I call the “snobby” questions while I got the “scum” questions.

MUM’S THE WORD

Monday 3 March

WMESB™: Froze my nads off at my shelterless bus stop this morning (* More on this later). Got the X57 into town and had the pleasure of my pal Fiona’s company. Hadn’t seen her for ages on the bus as she now gets different buses to work. She was one of the campaigners to save the Yellow Taxibus.

I had most of the weekend to myself so I got on with a number of little projects. I’m making a box set for Jock ‘n’ Roll Dave’s birthday. He was in a band called Paintbomb! and I have most of their gigs on tape. For years I’ve been saying I’ll copy them for him but haven’t got round to it. I have an empty CD box that can fit six discs in it so I’m putting the Paintbomb! gigs and demos on to three of them and making some compilations for the other three.

One of the compilations is going to be called “I Was Looking For A Job…” and will feature tracks/bands with occupations in the title e.g. “The Composer” (The Supremes) or “If I Were A Carpenter” (Four Tops). Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon sorting out a long shortlist, which I’ll whittle down this week. Any other suggestions would be welcome.

I was also thinking of doing a compilation of instrumentals and maybe a CD full of quiz audio rounds (Dave’s a quiz nut too).

I haven’t written much over the last few days as I’ve been busy with little bits and pieces and, to be honest, rather depressed, so here’s a brief summary:

Friday: I found out today that the edition of “Brainbox Challenge”, which I feature in briefly, will be broadcast on Wednesday 5 March at 6.30pm on BBC2.

Tickets have been purchased for Edwyn Collins’ gig at The Queen’s Hall in Edinburgh on April 21st and I Am Kloot’s gig at the ABC2 in Glasgow on April 27th (anyone with advice on parking in Glasgow on a Sunday night would be appreciated). I was in the queue behind a couple of woman buying tickets for Girls Aloud and The Proclaimers at the Castle. £77 for two tickets Girls Aloud tickets (that doesn’t include the £3.50 per ticket for using a credit card – they went to a bank to get cash instead). At least Dick Turpin wore a mask!

Thursday: Usually it’s me that is so wound up by the Dunfermline (De) Press that I feel the need to wax lyrical but it’s the GLW who is annoyed. The Press asks a number of people a question of a current subject and these answers are spread out through the paper. This week’s topic is real nappies and the GLW is appalled by the responses of the people spoken to. Some of these women need shooting for the pathetic excuses these give for not using real nappies. EXPAND.

Wednesday: I have another Top 5 in the Recommends section of The Scotsman. The topic was “Musical Mothers” for Mother’s Day. I’ve also noticed over the last couple of weeks that someone else is trying to muscle in on my musical Recommends. McCabe, I’m the Daddy – remember that!!

There wasn’t much on telly so I adjourned to my study and listened to Andrew Collins and Richard Herring’s very enjoyable first Podcast . (I’ve downloaded their second and third ones too, for later consumption). It took me up to “Shameless”, which was a less than cheery episode. I’m actually getting to the point with it whereby I wouldn’t be bothered if I missed it. It used to be essential viewing.

*I received a reply from Fife Council again with regards to my request for a bus shelter, which goes as follows:

“I refer to your email dated 26th February 2008 to Cllrs Goodall, Martin, Rumney and Walker and also to our previous email correspondence regarding the above matter.

As you know, a recent assessment of the bus stop in question has shown there is currently an insufficient passenger usage to meet Fife Council's criteria for bus shelter provision.

However, the forthcoming bus service changes (7th April) may have a positive impact on the usage of this stop. Therefore, once these service changes have bedded in, I will arrange for another passenger survey to be carried out in May. Should the usage of the stop then meet the criteria for shelter provision, I will look towards the most suitable available Capital funding source to procure shelter facilities at this stop. I would point out at this stage that any proposed bus shelter site is subject to consultation with adjacent households and any objections duly considered.

With regard to the existing bus shelters on Linburn Road, I will monitor the usage of the two stops near Masterton roundabout following the service changes. When the NHS submitted their planning application to build the new Health Centre on Linburn Road near Trondheim Parkway, Transportation Services requested the provision of two bus shelters at this development as this type of facility is likely to generate a significant public transport demand. I understand these shelter facilities are currently being installed.

I trust this clarifies the current situation and will write to you again once the May survey is complete.”

This translates as “you’ve got two hopes and one’s Bob”. I actually thought my ears were going to snap off this morning it was so cold. I can’t help wondering what we in the Eastern Expansion are getting for our council tax. Oh silly me, I forgot about our three recycling bins and…er…that’s it! We’ve got no direct bus service to Edinburgh (three services have been removed), the police can’t find us and only now, four years after moving in, are we finally getting local amenities; a library, a school and a health centre. Rumours of a pub and Post Office are unconfirmed at this time.

I get a call from Orange about the reverse-charged texts I’ve been receiving (remember the one asking me to text STAR to 60999 to audition for the next Harry Potter film!). It seems that, under normal circumstances, Orange don’t provide itemised phone bills for Pay As You Go customers but, because I was misinformed, they’ll send me a list of calls for the last three months. The guy who called me also gave me the contact details for the company concerned, MX Telecom. He gave me their 0870-19994741 number but there’s no way I’m going to give them any more money. Orange have said that, once again, they’ll give me 100 free texts but they said that last time and then sent me a text that they couldn’t do it after all.

I’ve now e-mailed the company (support@txtnation.com) and asked that all of these messages stop and that they refund me for charges already accrued. It may be only pennies but there’s a principle at stake here. How can I be charged for something I didn’t ask for in the first place and why show I pay again to ask them to stop? Don’t make me angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. (Stop Press: my e-mail has returned as “YOUR EMAIL TO SUPPORT@TXTNATION.COM HAS NOT BEEN PROCESSED” so I’ve resent it to feedback@txtnation.com).

Me and “the lads” have three topics of discussion in our usual e-mail chats (usually entitled "Working Group" or "Evaluation Report" to disguise the fact we're not really working); top 5 own goals, top 5 girl singers and top 5 songs that “get you in such a way that you find yourself having to listen to them on repeat endlessly” (© Joe)

My Top 5 girl singers, off the top of my head, were/are:

1. Helen Shapiro
2. Madeline Bell
3. Dusty Springfield
4. Ella Washington
5. Duffy

My Top 5 songs to play on endless repeat are:

1. Chin Chin - Stop! Your Crying
2. Babybird - Goodnight
3. Ride - Twisterella
4. Field Mice - Sensitive
5. The Icicle Works - Hollow Horse

Competition Update: The GLW and I have won a personalised bottle of Famous Grouse whisky from The List. We don’t drink it so we’ll get it personalised with a message for someone who does like the stuff. How about “how can you drink this shit?” We’d give it to the postie but he still hasn’t delivered our prizes from Mojo or the football website.

Memo to self: Write shorter daily blogs instead of saving them up and why don't you use pictures anymore?

THE LAST FEW DAYS

Tuesday 26 February

WMESB™: The D7 was on time and I got the X57 but it was the grumpy driver so I had no chance of getting off at the Learmonth Hotel.

Thankfully I’m back in my own office today.

Last night’s telly consisted of Brainbox Challenge, Mastermind, University Challenge and Damages. The GLW watched “The Palace”, which is “so bad, it’s good”. I’ll take her word for it.

Still no sign of the three outstanding competition prizes yet, which is a worry. Most of the time I’ll have a prize before I know I’ve won it or where it’s come from. I never normally have to wait more than 28 days, at the most.

A horrendous journey home tonight as only cars were allowed over the Forth Road bridge. Tricia was almost involved in a road rage incident. Someone who had tried to cut in earlier tried it again and she refused to budge. the guy in question tried to go back into the other lane to overtake us but our liane suddenly sped up and we lost him.

Monday 25 February

WMESB™: Never a dull moment on Stagecoach! This morning I get my usual D7 to the Ferrytoll. Now the D7 then changes into a 53 to Dalgety Bay and one little old man gets on. However, this morning I was surprised to see a whole line of people queuing to get on. As I walk along this queue I turn round to see the sign on the side of the bus, which reads “53 Edinburgh”. Somewhat confused I join the end of the queue and wait to get back on the bus I’d just got off. When I get back on I say to the driver that I’m slightly confused because this bus normally turns into a Dalgety Bay bus. He says, no, the route is right. “Fair enough” and I sit down. At this point I start wondering if this will be a new direct service from the my house to Edinburgh and compose a congratulatory e-mail to the Operations Manager in my head.

Any euphoria is short-lived because the bus leaves the Ferrytoll and just as I think it’s on its way to Edinburgh it goes all the way round the roundabout and comes back into the Park and Ride. The driver then stops the bus, gets out of his seat and announces that this bus doesn’t go to Edinburgh. I resist the temptation to sing the “Told You So” song as a light and get on the waiting X57.

The sorry doesn’t end there because I see that the X57 driver is the grumpy one I’ve crossed swords with before. I also see the girl from my work, who also gets off at the Learmonth too. My money’s on him not stopping for her and I’m proved right. She’s confused by this and no wonder. Maybe the bus isn’t supposed to stop there but it has for the last few weeks. She walks back to work form the West End and I get a bus. I try and see her coming into work so I can explain the long-standing problems with the bus but I miss her.

The rest of the day is spent in a Review Panel. Over a hundred people have applied for promotion and they’re looking to half that before inviting successful candidates for interview. My job, such as it is, is to distribute the papers to the three pairs of assessors and then, well, that’s it! Thankfully, I only have a day of it.

“Brainbox Challenge” starts on BBC 2 tonight. I don’t know when I’m on but it’ll be fascinating to see all the people I met when I was there, especially Hannah, Ben and Jenna, who were all really friendly.

Sent off another Top 5 for the Recommends section of The Scotsman. It relates to Mother’s Day but I’ll say no more than that. I have a few others in the pipeline. I’ve also sent off my application to present a show on Kirkcaldy VRN, a hospital radio station, which also broadcasts to Kirkcaldy.

Sunday 24 February

After a great sleep, I join the others who are already up. Dave and I take the girls for a walk to get some fresh air and the Sunday papers. All manner of twisting roads, stairs and paths take us to Colinton village. Not used to walking so far I’m knackered when I get back and I have shin splints. The Flickster is unphased and has another shot on the trampoline. Where do kids get their energy?

The rest of the morning is spent doing the crosswords together and eating cake. Life doesn’t get any better. Dave and I then have another wee jam. I say, “jam”, it’s more of Dave showing me something and me trying to learn it! Dave kindly lends me a little amp and a tuner.

We say our goodbyes, after a wonderfully relaxing weekend and head home. It almost felt like a holiday, even though we only went over the bridge.

Saturday 23 February

What a day. I bump into so many people that I know. Before I even get on the D7 I meet Martin who I know from Edinburgh. He’s now in Dunfermline and not far from me. We exchange tales of our kids before I head into Edinburgh. I get off the bus and before I can decide where I’m going to get my hair cut I bump into Julie, a regular visitor to out house and an ex-colleague of the GLW’s. She recommends a barber down the bottom of Broughton Street and head off purposefully. My £1 a minute haircut takes 8 minutes then I head off to Easter Road to meet Dave, my co-conspirator in the Jock n Roll website.

As I wait for Dave yet another person I know and haven’t spoken to since I worked with him says hello. It’s a small world and I wouldn’t like to paint it. Dave and I head off to the guitar shop to get me a lead before adjourning to Robbies for a small libation or two. Not unsurprisingly, we bump into someone else we know, Kev.

At 2.30 we head off to the game. It’s pay at the gate (£21) and we settle into our seats in the East Terrace. No sooner has the game begun than Hibs take the lead. Three minutes later and the lead is doubled. Any thoughts that this may prove to be a rout are worn away soon enough as the following 85 minutes are absolute dross.

Happy enough with the win we leave the ground, only to walk right past Malcolm Ross, who had featured on “Caledonia Dreaming” last night. Pity we didn’t get a chance to speak to him about the programme. I wonder what he thought.

It was back to Dave’s for food and board games, after our daughters had been put to bed. Miracle of miracles: not only did I win at Trivial Pursuit but I beat the GLW in front of witnesses! It’s not often I beat her so I’m going to gloat as long as possible! We also played a good game called “Chronology”.

Friday 22 February

It’s already been discussed elsewhere but I’ll repeat how disappointed with this programme. What was supposed to be about Postcard Records and its influence turned into a party political broadcast on behalf of SNP/Independence. With the exception of The Go-Betweens, who only released one single on the label, Postcard Records was essentially Orange Juice, Josef K and Aztec Camera. OJ and JK were featured heavily in the first 15 minutes but Aztec Camera merited only the briefest mention in the commentary by Edith Bowman.

The documentary then drifted off into a revisionist look at the political “influence” of the Artists for independence movement fronted by Elaine C Smith, Pat Kane and Ricky Ross. The GLW was politically active around this time and she doesn’t recall this “movement” having as much influence as intimated in the programme. It might have meant something in Glasgow but nobody else in Scotland would listen to the ramblings of Rab C Nesbitt’s “wife”. This part of the show took up too much time and distracted from the apparent aim of the show. There were no interviews with Alan Horne or Roddy Frame and Malcolm Ross, who played in all three Postcard records, wasn’t given much time.

This was a wasted opportunity and resulted in a mess of a programme. Was it about Postcard Records or was it a history of Scottish rock and pop? Either way, it failed spectacularly and was a ramshackle hotchpotch of a programme

EELS LIKE I’M IN LOVE

Tuesday 19 February

WMESB™: Another day, another late bus and another stupid driver who doesn’t know what the number 4 looks like. I ask him to punch 4 and he punches 5, the muppet. The D7 used to be sharp enough to sometimes catch the 55; now it struggles to catch the X57, which is still continuing to stop at the Learmonth Hotel. The Operations Manager is going to look at the registration of the X57 so as to make it a permanent stop on the route.

Work wasn’t particularly exciting today and I took the opportunity to tidy up some paperwork and do some filing. I wrote to Orange to get a copy of my itemised mobile phone bill because I’ve started to receive reverse-billed text messages. I received a text from TalentText on Friday afternoon asking me if I wanted to audition for the next Harry Potter movie. I was to text STAR to 60999. I knew immediately it was a scam so I put “60999 text scam” into Google and I found that the number has been used a lot for various expensive scams. I found a website for a company called Talent Text and sent them a strongly worded e-mail informing them I would take legal action if I received any more of these texts and would be looking for recompense. So far, they haven’t responded.

I got the 29 to George Street after work, alighted and then attempted to cross the pedestrian crossing at the junction with Hanover Street. I let one set of cars go and then step on to the crossing. A car in the second lane decided he didn’t want to stop at the crossing and tried to drive straight over it. He got stuck in traffic and he was half-parked on the crossing. I slapped the back of his car to show my annoyance at him failing to stop. As I got across I turned round to give him “daggers”. He proceeded to give me the middle finger. As I turned to approach his car he drove off, only to get stuck on the roundabout as he turned towards Hanover Street. I crossed the next at the top of Hanover Street and he passed me again. This time it was his female companion who using the abusive gestures towards me. I was fuming all the way home, mainly because I didn’t get their registration plate. I did however send off a two-line letter to the letters page of the Evening News expressing my anger at these two morons.

Things got worse. On the way to the Ferrytoll the X54, after a game of ‘after you, no, after you’, allows the D7 to go into the Ferrytoll first. This is the D7 I connect with and tell the X54 driver this. He peeps his horn at the D7 driver but he doesn’t hear. I tried to make a run for it but the D7 driver decides not to stop to see if anyone on the buses behind wants to transfer to his bus and he speeds off. My fury is doubled, nah trebled, and I spend the next 15 minutes marching up and down angrily. The complaint e-mail is written in my head as I fume even more.

I managed to calm down by stuffing my face with some comfort food, namely boiled eggs and toast. I feel better.

The rest of the evening is spent writing some more stuff for The Scotsman and I even sent an e-mail to Ian Hunter (he of Mott the Hoople fame) and Max from Splodgenessabounds. The chances of an immediate response from Ian were crushed when I noticed from his website he was actually in Edinburgh playing at Cabaret Voltaire. Max Splodge answers my query, via Stretch from his website, and he’ll feature in one of my forthcoming pieces.

“The Silver Shadow” (name changed so that quiz show producers don’t think he’s a pro even though he isn’t), who I went on Sudo-Q with, has another audition on Friday. I had a form for the same show but I’ve been so busy with writing articles and quizzes that I haven’t got round to it. He gave me a heads up on a show he’d been on and what happens at the audition so I know what to expect because I also have a form for it. I MUST fill it in tonight. I need the GLW to complete her form for “Are You Smarter Than a Ten Year Old?” too because I think she’d be good on it.

I watched “Watchdog” on iPlayer before heading downstairs for “Shameless”.

Wednesday 20 February

WMESB™: The driver punched the right ticket – hurrah! The bus was on time – hurrah! That’s as good as it got. A man, for reasons best known to himself, decides to leave a massive gap at the front of the queue at the Ferrytoll and then can’t understand why everyone overtakes him to get on the X57, which he also gets on. Then he commits another cardinal sin. He sits down and then places something on the adjacent seat so no one else can sit there. Normally I would target that seat deliberately but after all the hassles of the last two days I didn’t want the stress.

I calm down with “Meet The Eels” on the CD player (the £8 one from Tesco!!) and I’m chilled by the time I get to work.

My Mojo prizes still haven’t turned up yet and I’m getting a little bit cheesed off about it.

Iamkloot, one of my favourite current bands, are playing in Glasgow on Sunday 27 April so I’m going to take the opportunity to enjoy my second cross-country gig trip. Gaz is up for coming too so I’ll have company. No idea what the parking situation is like near the ABC. I might just bite the bullet and use a car park. I believe it’s only £2 maximum on a Sunday. My experiences of driving in Glasgow haven’t been great so far, so god knows how we’ll get on. We’re off work the week after, in the run up to my birthday, so it won’t matter if I have a late night.

I flick between the Brits, the Celtic v Barcelona game and Crimewatch. I wonder for about two seconds how my predictions for the Brits went and then I realised that I couldn't give a Falkirk. If the Celtic game had been a boxing match it would have been stopped. Barcelona were merciless but having said that two of their goals came directly from Celtic errors and were therefore preventable. Then again, I don't support them so what do I care? In fact, I'd have been better off avoiding the Brits and the football and concentrating on some writing. I can watch Crimewatch on iPlayer.

I'll do an hour's work and then have a shave. Promise.

BOBS AND PIECES*

WMESB™: This morning's D7 was so late that it came along in tandem with the next D7. Had to check it was the one that goes the direct route, rather than the long way. On the way home I entered another stupid driver. I got on and said, "Number 2, please" and handed the ticket to him in such a way that he could easily slot it into his punch machine. "I can only do one on this ticket", he says. I look at him as if to say "what the fuck are you on about?". I wonder if he's misunderstood me so I explain that my ticket only gets punched once because my journey in split in two and I transfer at the Ferrytoll. It dawns on me that he thinks I'm trying to pay for one of the two old dears getting on behind me. I point out that the ticket is only for me. He then gets a bit of an attitude because I look at him as he's a moron, which he is. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Four crosswords posted today - Scotsman Crossbar, Express Crusader (including the word Epicurean, which is the name of an album by The Orchids), Express Big Monday Crossword (because it's big, it comes out on a Monday, it's a crossword and it's in the Express) and the Bare Bones from the Mail on Sunday. Finger's crossed.

There's a programme called "Caledonia Dreaming" on BBC 4 on Friday about the Postcard Records label. Essential viewing for indie kids everywhere.

I get an e-mail from Mojo to say my prize is finally on its way. I haven't had this much trouble getting a prize since I won a load of stuff from The Big Issue over a period of months and then spent the next 18 months chasing them for them. (I even won a John and Norma Major jigsaw!) I haven't bought it since as a point of principle.

Over the weekend I wrote a lot of questions for two quiz nights I'm doing in May. Both are paying gigs, which is nice. On Sunday, I wasn't in the mood at first but then I went and got the papers and did all the comps and crosswords. For some reason the Express have binned the NPN (No Purchase Necessary) routes for their magazine comps. Must ask them why.

The GLW's Amazon order finally arrived and I got my Valentine's Day present, which was "Meet the Eels - Essential Eels", the CD with the free DVD of videos.

I received an application form for "Goldenballs". Between the GLW and I we have three quiz show forms to complete. A job for tomorrow night methinks. We've thought about the "Postcode Lottery" show, fronted by Carol Smillie, but we don't know three brainy neighbours. Actually, we don't know many of our neighbours. Maybe we should hold trials and the three brainiest (obviously the GLW and I are gimmes) will join us. The problem is that we've never seen the show because it clashes with University Challenge.

I can't believe that Dave, friend and co-founder of Jock 'n' Roll, tried to phone us during University Challenge tonight. That's bad enough but it was the first of the semi-finals. We ignored it and rang him back straight after it. He told me he been on a train from leeds and got chatting to a guy who in the band End Games, had played on "Sons and Facsination" and got off his head with The Associates.

The shortlist has been announced for the UK Eurovision entry and once again my head is in my hands. Another ensemble of Z-list wannabes and reality show rejects has made the final six. I'm only surprised that Lisa Scott-Lee isn't one of them. The "name" amongst the list is Michelle Gayle and she'll be up against two girls groups; The Revelations and LoveShy, Andy Abrahams, an X-Factor runner-up, and Rob McVeigh and Simona Armstrong, two also-rans from the hideous BBC Joseph and Maria shows. Sadly, the show will have the same strung out formula as so many other shit shows seem to have just now. The show, called "Eurovision: Your Decision" goes out in two parts on 1 March. Of course, I'll be watching it but I'll be on pills of some description!

* The Flickster gets "bits and bobs" and "bits and pieces" confused and comes up with the title of today's entry. God bless her.

TELEVISION, DRUG OF THE NATION

Tuesday 12 February 2008

WMESB™: The X57 stopped at the Learmonth Hotel by mistake this morning so I got off there and saved myself £1 and 20 minutes.

I forgot to mention yesterday that we won £25, a runners-up prize, in the Sunday Express Skeleton crossword. It was in the GLW’s name but I fill them all in. That’ll go towards the Sky+ fund.

You would think it’d be easy to order Sky+ but it isn’t. It’s £99 for the box if you order online, as opposed to the normal £149, but I can’t seem to be able to get it without being taken to page offering other services/products. What’s more, new customers, when they purchase it along with other services, get installation for £30, while loyal customers like me would have to fork out £60 just for the installation of the Sky+ box. I think I’d rather do without than pay £159. I may have to phone them. In the end I decided to ask for advice from a website forum that knows about such things.

I’ve also finally sent off to do my Pass Plus course. Uptake in Fife is so poor that Fife Council, in conjunction with Fife Constabulary, only charges £35, a 75% reduction. Anything that can reduce our car insurance is worth doing.

So that’s the TV, telephone, Broadband and car insurance sorted. I’m also going to get back on the prize draw trail, which was reasonably profitable, and try and do a pub quiz in Dunfermline on a Monday night. There’s supposed to be a new pub opening up near Tesco and it’d be nice to get one there, within walking distance of home. Maybe I should try for a quiz on a Tuesday night because, quite frankly, the telly’s gash. I only watch “Shameless”, which isn’t as good as it was but is still better than most things.

FLYING THE FLAG

Wednesday 13 February 2008

WMESB™: The X57 again stopped where it shouldn’t and I took advantage.

I had a couple more pieces in the Recommends section of The Scotsman today. One was “Best Valentine’s Day Events” and the other was for “Musical Valentines”.

The Evening News are at it again. Yet again a positive story is turned into another pathetic piece of snidy anti-gay propaganda and what the “magic circle” references, tagged on to either end of the story, have got to do with the flag story is beyond me. What’s interesting is that they haven’t actually spoken to any current members of staff because if they did they’d find a lot of support for it. But they don’t make good press. The ex-member of staff quoted must have got in touch with the paper him/herself to stir it up. Bitter or what? And for someone to walk out because of the flag on “religious grounds” is nothing more pathetic piece of attention-seeking. Whoever you are, give yourself a bloody good shake. This is 2008 and we live in a modern multi-cultural society, get over it. If you don’t like it, foxtrot oscar!

That story almost annoys me as much as this one from the same paper. “McMillan told police officers he did not think it was particularly loud” – what, so he turned it up! Twice!! When they crushed his car they should have put him in it. Scum like this really get me wound up. Their sole purpose in life is to upset people and they don’t care about the consequences. Whatever he gets sentenced to it, it won’t be enough. Let this be a lesson to other anti-social scumbags.

(Paul puts away his soap box and walks off, mumbling inaudibly to himself...)

Competition news: My prize still hasn't arrived from Mojo and that's been about 6/7 weeks now. However, I have won another prize from a football website. I've won a pair of Nike football boots, some training cones, a water bottle and a rucksack. Maybe this'll encourage me to get my fitness sorted out. I've had a persistent groin problem which just won't go away. A physio gave me some exercises to do but I've now lost the sheet.

Was it any coincidence that in Tesco tonight the chocolate, champagnes and Valentine's cards section was in the same aisle as, and directly opposite, the condoms?

Every year I do a quiz night for the GLW's office and on the back of that I've been offered another one today. The problem is that it's a charity quiz and whilst it may be for a good cause, I'm loathe to do it for nothing. I put a lot of work into my quiz nights and I've said I'll do it for half my normal (corporate) fee. My agent (the GLW) has left the ball in their court. You do one for nothing and they all want it for free. No more Mr Nice Guy! I've got a mortgage to pay and a wife to keep in shoes.

It surely isn't a coincidence but tonight BT called us and offered to take £2 a month off our Broadband bill. How on earth did they know we were thinking of changing? The GLW played a straight bat and said if we needed to speak to them, we'd give them a call. (Obviously at the weekend, when it's free!)

A CASE OF THE BLUES

Monday 11 February 2008

WMESB™: Another driver this morning who doesn’t know how to count. I handed over my ticket and said, “Number 7, please”. I even handed it to him in the right way so he could pop it straight under his punch. Simple? No. He looks at my ticket, turns it around and punched number 8!! How hard can it be to check the numbers on a 12-journey ticket? I say 7, he checks 7, he punches 7, simple. At the Ferrytoll I let an X57 and X58 go but got fed up waiting and went for an X54. Getting these buses instead of a 55 or 53 means I have to pay £1 to get a bus back to Comely Bank but the stress of waiting at the Park and Ride is too much.

My colleague who regularly gives me a lift home is out of the office this afternoon so I’ll have to endure a toll-free delay-ridden journey home on the bus tonight. Sometimes I don’t mind getting the bus home; a time to collect thoughts and become even more disenchanted, but most days I hate it. The queuing, the sullen drivers, the wait at the soulless Ferrytoll for a connection (usually having just missed one by 30 seconds) and the stupidity of other passengers are just a few of the reasons I dread the trip home. Sure, a lot of people have to go through this but I feel that it’s sucking the very life out of me. The 9 to 5 (8 to 4 in my case) bit in the middle is bad enough without spending 2 ½ hours a day to and from it.

There was a piece in yesterday’s Independent about people getting sacked for having compromising photos or making comments about their employer on their blogs or on social networking sites like Bebo, MySpace and Facebook. Everyone I work with knows I hate what I do and having been screwed over by my employer on a number of occasions I’ve every right to feel bitter and aggrieved.

In 2003 I applied for a job within another department. I thought the interview went well and I was disappointed to find out I hadn’t got it but I philosophical. Someone, I forget whom, then tipped me the wink that the result was “dodgy”. I immediately asked for feedback. I found out that I had scored 147 at interview, ahead of the other two candidates, who both scored 144. By all the rules laid down in the recruitment Policy the job should have been mine. It seems that the manager in question decided that he just didn’t want me and decided on an it’s-my-department-and-I’ll-do-what-I-want stance.

Within minutes of the starting the feedback interview it descended into a farce. I kept asking poignant questions and he wouldn’t give me straight answers. I asked to see the scores, which I was legally entitled to, but the manager concerned refused. Eventually, I took out two grievances but these took their toll on my health and by the time I had to face the second highest person in the organisation, who just happened to be a friend of the manager who didn’t want me, I had lost the will to fight on. I should have taken it further because I was right and what I was enduring was just plain wrong, and illegal, but I was mentally and physically exhausted.

The irony of the situation is that one of the reasons cited for me not getting the job was that I was too ambitious yet the girl who was given the job lasted less than years before leaving. The manager in question also left for a cosy 18-hour £30k a year job working from home as a “consultant”. Rather interestingly, the news of this cushy number made the press and I suspect the information came from a disgruntled member of his own team. It probably isn’t healthy but I’ve kept the press cutting just to remind me what a thoroughly obnoxious individual he is.

After that debacle my health continued to suffer. I applied and got a job in a different department but I knew almost immediately that it was a mistake. I lasted a couple of months before an incident with another member of staff resulted in me taking seven months off sick with anxiety, stress and depression. This individual made a racist remark and when I asked her not to say it again she repeated it! At the time both of my senior members of staff were on holiday and when they came back they weren’t interesting in disciplining her.

The tale of woe continues. Upon my eventual return to work I was placed in a department that had no work for me to do. For nine months, in a room on my own, I did nothing but crosswords and puzzles. And that’s my employer’s idea of rehabilitation – putting me in something akin to solitary confinement. I constantly asked for work; I even went to other departments. I was told that when we moved to a new building that things would be different. Wrong! At one point my compassionate manager suggested that “you don’t need a manager, you need a social worker”!! I complained to Personnel and got a face-to-face apology.

Eventually I was redeployed to the post I currently hold. At first it was like I had a new lease of life. I was busy and enjoying myself. I lightened the mood in an office that was having staffing problems. Four members of this small office weren’t getting on with each other. Two years on and all four have gone to pastures new (I liked two of them and didn’t like the other two). Unfortunately the job now has more troughs than peaks and I’m back to twiddling my thumbs. My new colleagues and I are now helping out other departments because we’re quiet work-wise. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told that, “You’re wasted here”! I need to be in a more creative environment, one where I can use my skills and talents so I can fulfil my potential. At the moment I feel that the very life is being sucked out of me and my motivation is draining away. The knock-on effect is that I have no motivation at home and I’m losing interest in all the hobbies that normally bring my some contentment. All the projects I’ve started have been fallen by the wayside and I seem to spend my time on the PC player iPool. I need to be jumped started with a new challenge (and a big fuck-off pair of spark plugs), but something that pays the bills to keep the GLW happy.

Therefore, I make no apologies if my employer feels that I may be having a go at them because, in this democratic society we live in, I am entitled to my opinion and I will fight for that right.

I didn’t bother about the weekend crosswords yesterday because I used a black cloud of depression as an excuse to take it out on my study by clearing out loads of shit. I filled the whole paper bin and took some stuff up to the recycling centre. It was a job well done although I’m still not entirely happy with the room. At least now I can see the carpet. I do, however, still have a big pile of paperwork to sort and file – a good excuse to go stationery shopping.

That reminds me. After work on Friday I accompanied a colleague into Clinton Cards on Princes Street. Coming down the stairs I spotted a row of signs showing which sections were where within the shop. Sadly, and rather worryingly for a card shop, one of the signs read “Social Stationary”. That’s right, stationery with an A!!! I took a photo on my phone (when I learn how to upload it I will) before spotting the same mistake on another similar sign on the way out!! Unbelievable. (I’ve now e-mailed them).

I missed my mate Mark on "Goldenballs" again. Watched "University Challenge", then "Mastermind" (on tape and fast forwarded through the dull specialist subjects, which, in tonight's case, was all of them) and later on it's "Damages". Until then I'm off to the newly gutted study to listen to Jackie Leven and update the Jock 'n' Roll website.

Haste ye back!