USELESS TRINKETS

Tuesday 27 May 2008

I had a busy day yesterday as I finally managed to record my 15 June show after last week’s debacle. Although it took two trips to the studio before I could actually get in, due to problems with the lock.

The show went smoothly and I managed to copy my other shows on to my new 4GB Flash Drive so I can practice my editing. It’s great having access to the net while doing the show because it means I can flesh out my own notes, usually gathered form the sleeve notes.

When I got home I cut the grass at the front and back of the house, while the GLW painted our bedroom.

Gaz gave me a belated birthday present of two cracking CDs, namely the Trojan Tribute To Bob Marley Box Set and the Eels b-sides and rarities compilation, “Useless Trinkets”.

I’ve spent a couple of hours everyday this past week ripping my CDs to my PC, starting with all the stuff I play on my radio show. This is mainly so I can search them better, especially for themed shows or my Connect 3 feature.

For one week only, to accommodate the meaningless England-USA friendly, The Apprentice is on tonight. If you’re a fan of the show I strongly recommend you check out Andrew Collins’ weekly reviews and the Lego Apprentice firings on YouTube.

If Orange’s new Pay As You Go requires a £10 a month minimum subscription then doesn’t that just make it a contract? Talking of Orange, I’m still waiting to hear from them as regards the promise of receiving three months of itemised bills so I could investigate what I was being charged. I was particularly concerned with a possible reverse-charged text message. I was also promised 100 free texts for the inconvenience and they never told me when I would get them. It was only when I got a text message telling me that the 100 free texts had finished that I found out I had them all along! The letters were written on 9 February, 20 March and 7 May and I’ve heard hee-haw from Orange in that time. I even copied the last letter to OFCOM. What an easy way to lose a customer who has been with them since he got his first mobile. It’s not as if I don’t have other companies to choose from. I shall take my business elsewhere.

In the wake of Sir Terry Wig-on’s denouncement of the Eurovision Song Contest I find it interesting the luminaries they dragged out to back him up – Bruce Forsyth, Simon Cowell and Max Clifford. What on earth have any of those got to do with Eurovision?

I got home tonight to find the new Mojo (this month's free CD is punk from 1977) and another one of those bloody leaflets from a company claiming to collect old clothes for Eastern Europeans. This time the company are called Second-Hand Ltd (no doubt they're related to Ambertop, European Supplies, Lunetex, Kraslava and the numerous other companies who come and go within a short space of time). They appear to be based in Alloa. HERE is a good site for information on these companies and their various nom-de-plumes.

Over the years they changed their leaflets to say that they're commercial companies but they give the impression that they're charities. The only Eastern European families helped by these collections are the families of the people who own these companies. They sell the stuff for profit. If you have any old clothes, shoes etc then please give them to well-known, reputable charities and not these scamsters. A quick check of the internet and you'll find loads of complaints from people, as well as local Trading Standards.

I e-mailed ITV last night to ask them why ITV's competitions on Mr & Mrs, Real Deal and Loose Women etc all have free route of entry (via the web) yet Scottish Television's Watch to Win and Scotsport's Dream Ticket didn't. They replied as follows: "Please note that there has been a change in the way ITV competitions are run, due to the new Gambling Commission laws. It is now a legal requirement to provide a free route of entry, which is 4 day web entry, (this is for 4 working days after the programme is shown). Please note that STV are a separate company to ITV, so you will need to contact them directly with any queries regarding their competitions."

So I e-mailed STV to ask them and I'll let you know what they say. I brought this subject up before with STV's Scotsport but they just fobbed me off. I noticed that The Gadget Show on Five doesn't offer a NPN (No Purchase Necessary) route either, even if they are giving away £15k worth of gadgets. Scotsport recently asked what Rangers' nickname was and gave the choices of (a) Teddy Bears, (b) The Lions or (c) The Jags. Okay, some people, who aren't into football might not know that but the only people to watch Scotsport are Scottish football fans and they'd need shooting if they didn't know the answer was (a).

BIENVENUE, WILKOMMEN, GUTEN TAG

Sunday 18 May

We had another competition win yesterday. This time it was £25 of Sodexho vouchers, which could be used at places like Comet, Waterstone’s etc. I don’t even know where I won it from although I suspect it’ll have something to do with our works canteen, which is run by Sodexho (or Sodexo as they’re know known). I always enter any prize draws or competitions they have lying around.

Tonight’s radio show was my Eurovision special and it went swimmingly. Throughout the show I counted down my personal Top 10 Eurovision tracks, which I’ve listed below. They'll also be available for download for a limited time. Feel free to let me know what you think of my selections.

10 Gina G – Ooh Aah…Just A Little Bit (UK 1996)
9 The New Seekers – Beg, Steal or Borrow (UK 1972)
8 Secret Garden – Nocturne (Norway 1995)
7 Teach-Inn – Ding Dinge Dong (Holland 1975)
6 Beth – Dime (Spain 2003)
5 Dana International – Diva (Israel 1998)
4 Severine – Un Banc, Un Arbre, Une Rue (Monaco 1971)
3 F.L.Y. – Hello From Mars (Latvia 2003)
2 Brainstorm – My Star (Latvia 2000)
1 France Gall – Poupee de Cire, Poupee de Son (France 1965)

Monday 19 May

What a day off! After dropping off The Flickster at nursery and the GLW at the station, I drove to Kirkcaldy to record a show for a few weeks time, when I’m off to see Teenage Fanclub. I finished the show but there was a 20-second bit in the middle that was really crappy, when I cued up the wrong record, and I wanted to edit it out. I did everything that Colin had shown me last night and I thought that was that. It was only when I was recording a couple of “dry beds” for trailers that I spotted that the show I had just done was only 24 minutes long. I couldn’t believe it – somehow I’d managed to delete ¾ of my show!!! It was so deflated. I could’ve stayed and done it again but I was emotionally drained.

I drove home and consoled myself with some comfort food before lifting myself up again and heading into Dunfermline to get my haircut. After my first three choices were all closed or shut permanently I found another one. I also got a prescription from Boots, although I had to wait behind a man who reeked of piss.

As has become the norm now the mail didn’t arrive until early afternoon. Confirmation had at last come through from Travelodge about our weekend in Dundee. We won a weekend for four via the Sportsword crossword in the Sunday Express and we decided on somewhere where we could get a train to but was close enough that Flick wouldn’t get bored on the train. She’ll be excited at having a bridge to go over.

I managed to sell the football boots I’d won a wee while ago. Someone in Ireland got them for a bargain price of £33, plus £8 postage. I tried to sell them through the Free Ads in the (De)Press but we never got one phone call – tasteless swines.

Tuesday 20 May

Watched the first semi-final of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest and, as ever, it was a mixed bunch. The GLW and I had our score sheets (downloaded from the BBC) and we marked the acts on Song, Performance, Dance Routine and Outfit. We scored each category out of 10 and, as if to underline the poor quality of this semi, my highest scorer got 24. The GLW and I both scored The Netherlands highly but unbelievably they didn’t make it through to the final. Dustin the Turkey, the puppet representing Ireland, was the only act I heard getting booed, which I found strange considering some of the other “comedy” records played.

Wednesday 21 May

Watched the first 90 minutes of the Champions League final before the GLW came in and we watched The Apprentice via Sky+. I wanted Manchester United to win because they only really have one player that I hate (Rio Ferdinand) whereas Chelsea have Drogba (always holding his face looking for imaginary blood from an imaginary elbow), Ashley “I Can’t Live on £50k a week” Cole, Carvalho (the archetypal sleekit Portuguese defender) and England’s John Terry (to give him his full name).

After The Apprentice, where we were shocked to see posh Raif given his marching orders, we caught the end of the penalty shoot out. Man Utd had just gone 6-5 up and up stepped the enigma that is Nicolas Anelka in the torrential Moscow rain. Edwin van der Sar palmed away the poor effort at a height goalkeepers love and the cup was heading to Old Trafford. Whilst my schadenfreude-o-meter went into overdrive at the sight of England’s John Terry in tears, I was interested to see Anelka looking like he just didn’t care. He comes across as nothing but a football mercenary, going from one big money transfer to another, with his agent/brother pocketing nice tidy sums each time.

Thursday 22 May 2008

I heard today that Tom Waits is playing the Edinburgh Playhouse and tickets are £95!! That's outrageous, how can they justify that?

My mate, who works for a leading software company, is getting me Adobe Audition for a mere fraction of its full price so I can practice editing my radio show. Good lad.

Watched the second Eurovision semi tonight (two semis in one week!!) and it was definitely better than Tuesday's. I correctly predicted 7 of the 10 finalists and the GLW got 6. As I mentioned before the UK has the draw of death as no-one has ever won going second. Add to that the fact that everyone hates us and the song is only just okay, I predict a finish of 14th which, under the circumstances, would be respectable. I think Sweden will win with host country Serbia and Russia going close and turkey is my outside bet. But hey, what do I know, I've never won a Eurovision bet at the bookies.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you I managed to secure an interview with top (female) snooker and pool referee Michaela Tabb? If you have any questions for her by all means let me know. I'm also looking for an mp3 of Half Man Half Biscuit's "The Len Ganley Stance" if anyone has it! With the assistance of Dave, Gaz and Joe I've put together a killer list of snooker/pool related tunes to play.

Sent off Top 5 Hospital Radio Stations to David Lee at The Scotsman for the Recommends section. Obviously I put Kirkcaldy VRN at the top but Perth are the other big Scottish station.

Friday 23 May

Thank f*** the weekend is here. Some stupid idiot tried to run my down on George Street when I was walking across the zebra crossing. If I hadn't been paying attention I'd have been listening to hospital radio myself. I reported the driver, who seemed to be in a world of her own. Even when I slapped the side of her car as she went past there was no reaction from her. I've said it before and I'll say it again - people get right on my tits!

Last night I sent my first ever letter(e-mail) to the Metro letters page. There'd been some discussion, which I hadn't seen, about the easy questions STV uses for their Watch to Win competitions. I made the point that these competitions, because they are effectively lotteries down to the lack of skill (i.e. the questions/answers are insultingly easy) they are illegal. The National Lottery is the only recognised lottery in the UK. (I think the Euromillions comes under some other jurisdiction). I have e-mailed STV in the past on this subject but they're not interested, such is their arrogance. The ISP (Institute of Sales Promotions) agrees with me but their e-mail to STV was ignored. That was in 2005 before the current spate of phone-in scandals. It might come back to bite them on the backside - here's hoping.

SON OF A GUN - IT'S THE VASELINES!!

Wednesday 14 May 2008

Just don't get me started on Glasgow Rangers Football Club...

Thursday 15 May 2008

Took the day off because I have a couple of radio shows to record in advance due to clashes with events I already have tickets for. I'm going to record one today and one on Monday. The two events I'm going to are Dr.Doolittle at the King's Theatre and Teenage Fanclub at Oran Mor in June.

Dropped off The Flickster and the GLW and drove over to the studio. The great thing about recording in advance is that if you make a mess of the intor you can just start again. I ended up staying there for three hours because I spent an hour trying to edit out 6 blank seconds at the start and a crap bit at the end. I didn't manage it so I'll give the Programme Controller Colin a call for advice.

The show I recorded was a Girls Special with almost all of the tracks coming from the One Kiss Leads To Another box set.

Friday 16 May 2008


Back to work for one day and the usual ennui ensued. At least I had a gig to look forward to. The Vaselines have reformed and are supporting Norman Blake (Teenage Fanclub) and The Pearlfishers' David Scott at the Carnegie Hall in Dunfermline. You can read about it HERE.

I should congratulate the Carnegie Hall because my mate Phil, who bought the tickets, wasn't charged for using a credit card and wasn't charged a booking fee. Well done.

Saturday 17 May 2008

After a late night, I had a lie in today. I watched the FA Cup final although I wished I'd spent the time more constructively because it was pretty dull.

Found out today that Ronnie Spector and the Ronettes are playing a gig in Glasgow in September! It's a Monday night and I'd probably have to take the next day off but boy would it be worth it.

Tomorrow night I'm doing my Eurovision special on VRN and on Monday I'm recording one for mid-June. I may pencil in a haircut and, if the weather's okay, a trim of the back lawn. A man's work is never done.

Monday 12 May 2008

WMESB™: The D7 due at The Paddock at 0643 didn't show up until 0658, trailing behind the bus it should have been 15 minutes in front of! In fact my mate Phil and three others got off the later D7 at my stop so they could get on the "earlier" bus behind (so they could go directly to the Ferrytoll). We also had to tell the driver which way to go when he got to Rosyth Crossroads.

Then, after getting off the D7 at the Ferrytoll, we got on the 0710 X54. When I showed the driver my ticket and said, "Transfer" he tried to grab it off me. I resisted and pointed out that it had already been stamped on the D7. He said that that's not how the ticket works! I told him he was wrong and my fellow passengers getting on the bus agreed.

I noticed in a recent edition of the Dunfermline (De)Press that someone was fined £400 for assaulting a driver by pushing him after an argument over a ticket, an argument that the passenger was apparently correct in. Whilst I would never condone assaulting a driver, it really is no wonder that passengers get frustrated when drivers don't know the simplest aspects of their job; like where they're going or how the tickets work. In a time when every passenger is vital to Stagecoach getting the basics wrong is not the best way to keep passengers. My wife and I have already decided to get a second car, one we can ill afford, because the stress of travelling by public transport in Fife is affecting my health. Having no direct service from the biggest housing expansion in Europe, which is advertised as a commuter belt, to Edinburgh only serves to exasperate this.

I haven’t had a good bus rant for a while but that would coincide with me not having actually been on one but surely that’s just a coincidence.

Had a busy few days with a hospital radio presenters meeting last Wednesday, a quiz night at The Pleasance on Friday and my radio show yesterday. It’s also a busy week coming up too. I’ve got two shows to prepare and record in advance, as well as my live Eurovision special next weekend, I’m off to the Scotsman tonight for a book launch*, I’m doing another quiz night on Thursday and I might be going to see Norman Blake in Dunfermline on Friday. (*The Scotsman’s Recommends column, for which I regularly contribute, has been made into a book and I’ve been invited along. I’m not even sure if I’m in it but it’s a good opportunity to meet the publisher and put forward a couple of ideas Dave and I have for books. Nothing ventured, nothing gained…)

Last night’s radio show started off rather shakily, due in no small part to the studio being like a furnace. It didn’t help that I forgot my script, which I hadn’t written! I trust my listeners found my bumbling ineptitude endearing. I had a couple of calls from listeners during the show, although one was from a guy who calls every week and asks for the same record. The problem with that is that (a) that’s what the weekly Request shows are for (they’re from Mon to Fri 8 - 10 pm) and (b) we’re not supposed to play records for people who are not actually in the hospital. My show is prepared in advance and whilst I build in enough flexibility so that I can pop in a request now and again I prefer to stick with what I’ve prepared. Here’s last night’s set list:

Scott Walker – Jackie
The Quik – Bert’s Apple Crumble (show theme**)
Mama Cass – Make Your Own Kind of Music
The Marvelettes – I Just Can’t Let Him Down
Petula Clark – I Know A Place
The Lovin’ Spoonful – Jug Band Music
The Birds – Leaving Here
Jamie Carter – The Boy With The Way (Connect 3)
Jefferson Airplane – Somebody To Love (Connect 3)
The Velvelettes – A Bird In The Hand (Is Worth Two In The Bush) (Connect 3)
Florence Ballard – Love Ain’t Love
Billie Davis – Tell Him
The Animals – We Gotta Get Out Of This Place (Birthday: Eric Burdon)
Helen Shapiro – You Must Be Reading My Mind
Timebox – Beggin’
Chantal Goya – Il Court Les Filles (Foreign Language)
Twinkle – The Boy Of My Dreams
Vashti – Some Things Stick In Your Mind
Margie Day – Tell Me In The Sunlight
Zoot Money – Zoot’s Suit
Julie Grant – Somebody Tell Me
John Mayall – Looking Back
The O’Jays – Lipstick Traces (On A Cigarette)
The Mamas and the Papas – Trip, Stumble and Fall
Marianne Faithfull – Is This What I Get For Loving You?
The Lambrettas – Go Steady (Under The Influence)
The Lambrettas – Poison Ivy (Under The Influence)
The Soul Survivors – Can’t Stand To Be In Love With You
Betty Everett – Getting Mighty Crowded
Jimmy Powell – Sugar Babe Parts 1 and 2
Tony Clarke – The Entertainer
Major Lance – The Monkey Time (Connect 3)
Jackie Wilson – The Who Who Song (Connect 3)
The Gates of Eden – Hey Now (Connect 3)
Lulu – Lies (Two of a Kind)
Lulu – The Mighty Quinn (Two of a Kind)
The Marvelettes – I’ll Keep Holding On

(** I was rather shocked to hear MY theme tune being used for a trailer on CBeebies of all places!!)

Next week is my Eurovision special, during which I’ll countdown my Top 10 Eurovision songs of all-time. Not for me the likes of Abba or Bucks Fizz!

Tuesday 13 May 2008

Drinking on an empty head, especially on a school night, isn’t big and it certainly isn’t clever. My heid, not to mention the rest of me, has felt like a burst couch all day.

As regular readers will know I contribute to The Scotsman's Wednesday Recommends pull-out. My entries are mostly music related but I did a meal for two for my Top 5 Constructed Languages. Recommends has now been made into a book but, not surprisingly, it's aimed more as a guide for visitors and tourists. So my Top 5 Horse Films didn't make it. I was invited along to the book launch last night at The Scotsman building on Holyrood Road.

Dave came with me as we had the idea to approach the publishers of Recommends with a view to getting our own Jocknroll book published/commissioned. We pressed some flesh, got some business cards and drank free wine and ate free pies, which were lovely. I met David Lee, who edited the book, and he mentioned me in his speech, which made up for not being in the book.

After the book launch we went to another couple of pubs before I called it a night. It's bad enough travelling home at night, without doing it on a school night, especially when I've been drinking and haven't a clue when the buses or trains are.

One of the PR people I'd met earlier in the night walked with me towards the station and we chatted and it was then that I got the biggest shock I've had for a long time. She asked me where I worked and when I told her she replied, "Oh, you might know my dad". Her dad only turns out to be the guy who screwed me over for a job where I currently work. I'd scored the highest at interview but he didn't want me. I've mentioned this previously, which might confirm that I'm still not over the way I was treated.

Anyway, I'm pleased to say that his daughter is absolutely charming and I had to tell her to stop apologising for her father. Dave and I met loads of other nice people too, include Claire, Simon and a girl whose name I'm ashamed to forget but I think it began with an L (I was trying to teach her The Slosh at one point).

I'm recording a show on Thursday for broadcast on the 25th and after my Eurovision special on Sunday, I'm recording one on Monday for 15th June, when I'm off to see Teenage Fanclub do their Acoustic Chestnut show.

I found out today that Philip, a friend, would like to go to see Norman Blake in Dunfermline on Friday. I said I'd go if he goes. it's a date. Then found out another gigging mate, John, is also going. should be a good night. There's even a rumour of an appearance by The Vaselines.

I got some Amazon vouchers for my birthday and 5 of the 6 CDs turned up today. I got Kim Weston's "Greatest Hits and Rare Classics", Jackie Leven's live album "For Peace Comes Dropping Slow", The Very Best of Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders (for my show), The Best of Bardot and Jackie Lee's "End of a Rainbow: A Pye Anthology". I'm still awaiting "The Girls Are At It Again", another girl singers compilation. I also bought another girlie compilation yesterday in FOPP on the way to the book launch called "Go Girls - With The Girls From Red Bird". I've already got about half of the tracks but at £6 I couldn't resist it.

The quiz night on Thursday night that I was hosting has been postponed, which I don't mind because I have a lot on just now. Chop, chop, busy, busy, work, work, bang, bang...

ONLY ROLE IN TOWN

Sunday 4 May 2008

Another year older and certainly none the wiser. I hit 41 yesterday and boy do I feel it.

The Flickster woke me up early to give me my presents. I got the "Early Doors" 2 DVD set, a Christopher Brookmyre book, a book called "I Before E" (about mnemonics), a Northern Soul compilation CD, a racing cars (Dirt Track McQueen from the film "Cars") and my favourite present, a badge that says "As Seen On TV".

After a lazy morning we headed off to Frankie and Benny's for lunch. Normally, I'm not keen on these places but we'd won a family meal for four (to the value of £50) in the Dunfermline Press crossword so it seemed churlish to miss out on a free lunch. As it turned out, it was very good. We ate £47.50 worth of food so we kicked the arse out of it and as the Flickster wasn't really eating much we thought that was a good 2-person effort. We didn't bother with any dinner!

After an afternoon kip, we headed off the second part of my birthday adventure. This time it was to Rothes Hall in Glenrothes to see comedian and resident Mock The Week panellist Frankie Boyle. He was supported by the Reverend Obadiah Steppenwolf III, who started off well but got a bit patchy. Some people, including the GLW, had heard some of Frankie's set before but I hadn't and I loved every minute of it. I especially liked the way he went straight for the hecklers, especially the ones who couldn't string two words together.

This afternoon it's back to the radio station, which I'm really looking forward to. The show is all prepared and should be a goodie but then again I would say that.

I'm also back to work tomorrow after enduring four and a half weeks of illness. I still don't feel 100% but needs must.

The family and I have spent the last week in a cabin in Strathyre, near Callender. Last year it was blazing sunshine, this time it was rain and more rain. We managed to get to the Blair Drummond Safari Park (saving £12 on admission price due to various vouchers), the Toy Museum, Aberfoyle and Kilmahog to see Hamish the Highland Cow. Memo to self: never have an argument with your nearest and dearest when you're holidaying in the middle of nowhere and it's pissing down with rain. I must have walked for 8 miles, there and back, and my hips are still sore.

Last week my mate Gaz and I went to Glasgow to see I Am Kloot at the ABC2 (Billy Bragg was in ABC1). It was my birthday present for him. We had a bite to eat at a noodle bar then a couple of drinks at The Cellars, which, as the name suggests, in a basement bar on Sauchiehall Street. A studenty place but friendlier than some of the bars on that street, which were full of Celtic fans celebrating their Old Firm win over Rangers earlier in the day.

The gig itself was great. I didn't think much of the support act, a solo singer by the name of Ferraby Lionheart, but I Am Kloot were amazing. There's an intensity to their songs that has you transfixed and the mixture of new songs (from new album "Moolah Rouge") and old favourites went down a storm. We felt emotionally drained after it. I can't believe that I first saw then in 2001, supporting The Webb Brothers. John, the lead singer, stayed behind to sign posters and CDs. Gaz and I both bought the new album and got it signed.

The Recommends section of The Scotsman is now a book and as a regular contributor I've been invited to the book launch. Dave and I are going to see if we can get a word with the publisher with a view to writing a book together. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

In one morning on BBC Television recently I heard The Icicle Works on "Homes Under The Hammer" and the instrumental part of I Am Kloot's "Over My Shoulder" on another.

The GLW was reading Piers Morgan's "Do You Know Who I Am?" on holiday and I made the mistake of picking it up when she'd finished with it. I'm now hooked on it. Yeah, it's trashy but kind of addictive.

What I'm listening to :
1. I Am Kloot - Moolah Rouge CD (Skinny Dog)
2. The Collings and Herrin Podcats (free from iTunes)
3. Birdsong (the radio station - it's sooooo relaxing)
4. John Carter - Measure for Measure: The John Carter Anthology (RPM)
5. The Very Best of Herman's Hermits (EMI)
6. Various - Mojo Presents The New Dictionary of Blues and Soul

Better crack on as I have two quiz nights to complete and a mountain of other paperwork to get through before I leave for the radio station. I've also got some telly to catch up on and some crosswords and competitions to finish off. Never a dull moment...

EDWYN'S HOME AGAIN

Tuesday 22 April 2008









I'd never seen Edwyn Collins live before and, in view of his well-documented illness, I wondered if it would be anything like the real thing. I needn't have worried.

Sadly the Upper seated area wasn't open so we chose the seating downstairs - we're getting too old for this rock 'n' roll lark.

Unfortunately there's very little inclination to the seating so you can't really see much at all, no matter how tall you are (I'm 6 foot 3). I wasn't too bothered and was happy to just listen, with the occasional glimpse of Edwyn or Roddy. The GLW ventured off to the moshpit for the middle section of the gig because she's just ickle.

While Edwyn understandably struggled with some of his speech, his singing voice was in fine form and a set filled with golden oldies and new classics went down a storm. For those who are interested in such things (aren't we all?) the setlist was: Falling and Laughing, Poor Old Soul, What Presence, Home Again, Make Me Feel Again, One Is A Lonely Number, You'll Never Know (My Love), Hope and Despair, One Track Mind, Wheels of Love, Rip It Up, Then I Cried, A Girl Like You. The encores were: Searching For The Truth, Blue Boy, Don't Shilly Shally.

It was fitting that my first gig (the first I'll admit to anyway) was Aztec Camera at The Queen's Hall in December 1983 and here we are, 25 years later, with Roddy riding shotgun to Edwyn and still looking about 15. Bastard!

Our telly has died. Over the past few months it has taken to switching itself on and off, sometimes as many as 10 times, before it settles down. In the last couple of weeks the sound started going too with it only returning after a solid slap to the side of it. We bit the bullet and got a new telly, which arrived this morning. It seems you can't buy a telly anymore that's anything less than 3 feet high but we managed to get a 32" Sony Bravia. Now these things are supposed to plug in and go but I found it anything but. It was almost an hour and half before I go it going. I went through the manual page by page but it just wasn't straight forward enough for me. It made me feel stupid and I'm not. Honest.

It's two gigs in a week for me as I head of to Glasgow on Sunday to see I Am Kloot at ABC2 on Sauchiehall Street. I got the tickets as I present for Gaz's birthday and I've promised him a bag of chips as well. I'm even going to pick him up from his door and drop him off there in the early hours. My only concerns are parking (I think the City Parking charge £2 all day on a Sunday, which isn't too deadly) and the fact that the Old Firm are playing at 1230. Fingers crossed there isn't any trouble after it. I'm a lover not a fighter. And I bruise like a peach.

LIFE IS LIKE A SLOW TRAIN...

Monday 21 April 2008

I'm glad to say that last night's show went swimmingly. No major cock-ups with the exception of playing Lesley Gore instead of The Vernon Girls.

Here's last night's running order:

John Mayall - Crawling Up A Hill
The Quik - Bert's Apple Crumble (show theme)
Harpers Bizarre - Come To The Sunshine
Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street
The Action - I'll Keep Holding On
Brenda Lee - The Letter
Barbara Mills - (Make It Last) Take Your Time
Pearly Gates - Johnny and the Jukebox
Joy Dawn - Hang It Up (Connect 3)
Warm Sounds - The Nite Is Comin' (Connect 3)
The Grass Roots - Midnight Confessions (Connect 3)
The Everly Brothers - Talking To The Flowers
Gladys Knight and the Pips - Here Are The Pieces of My Broken Heart
Johnny Tillotson - Send The Pillow You Dream On (Birthday)
Billie Davis - Tell Him
Delroy Wilson - Better Must Come
Christine Delarouche - La Porte A Cote (Foreign Language)
Kathy Lynn and the Playboys - Little Baby
Harry J All Stars - The Liquidator
Nat King Cole - Too Young To Go Steady (Request!)
The Hipster Image - Can't Let Her Go
The Munx - Our Dream
The Darlettes - Lost
Tintern Abbey - Vacuum Cleaner
The Barracudas - Summer Fun (Under The Influence)
The Barracudas - (I Wish It Could Be) 1965 Again (Under The Influence)
Lesley Gore - It's My Party
Brenda Holloway - Tell Me Your Story
The Tiffanys - Gossip
The 2 of Clubs - Walk Tall (Like A Man) (Connect 3)
Jet Harris and Tony Meehan - Diamonds (Connect 3)
The Emeralds - King Lonely the Blue (Connect 3)
The Association - Come On In
Denita James - I Have Feelings Too
The Kinks - I'm Not Like Everybody Else (Two of a Kind)
The Kinks - This Man He Weeps Tonight (Two of a Kind)
Pam Grier - Long Time Woman

Feel free to suggest something you might like me to play. Unless you're in the Kirkcaldy area you won't hear it of course but it's the thought, isn't it?

I'm still off work sick. My stomach and head are in a mess. My new anti-depressants are still taking time to kick in (the changeover was hellish and I was climbing the walls) and the peppermint tablets for my bowel are working, up to a point but I'm still sore and tender. However, my farts smell all minty and... PING!... I have 'ring of confidence'!

Watching last night's TV BAFTAs was interesting, if a little predictable. I'm glad Harry Hill won his awards because I do enjoy his TV Burp but the whole "Gavin and Stacey" thing has passed me by and I'm rather indifferent to it - it's this year's Little Britain. I think Peter Capaldi should have won for "The Thick of It".

Football: Doesn't Sir Trevor Brooking look like a turtle's head? Thank you Ian Wright for doing the decent thing and getting off the football coverage. You made Mark Lawrenson sound interesting and that's saying something. I was almost tempted to e-mail Sky Sports at the weekend because the football analysts for one of the games were Jamie Redknapp and Paul Merson whose continual butchery of the English language drives me up the wall.

I've pretty much finished writing the two quiz night "gigs" I'm doing soon and I've also got the offer of another! The GLW and I have realised that we need a car each because one of the contributors to my stress is public transport. I've also supported public transport but my continual battles with Stagecoach are beginning to take it's toll.

You'll recall recently my battles to get a bus shelter at my local stop. Basically, the Council said that not enough people used it to warrant one. I might have just been able to handle that if I didn't see a bus shelter being erected at the very next stop; a stop which has no more passengers than mine and a stop which is now serviced by even less buses (the D3/D4 circular routes have been expanded to cover more new houses, other areas where no-one lives and a Health Centre, which isn't even open, so the Masterton Roundabout, a main junction, is only covered by the D7). I've asked the Transportation Services department of Fife Council for an explanation.

The GLW and I are off to Edinburgh tonight to see Edwyn Collins at The Queen's Hall. Roddy Frame is playing guitar and Dave Ruffy is on drums too.

RADIO KILLED THE GAME SHOW STAR

Sunday 13 April 2008



















My career with Kirkcaldy VRN was almost over before it started. I won't bore you with all the details but despite arriving at the station half an hour before showtime, it kicked off twenty minutes late.

Here is the somwhat amended playlist for "Where The Action Is", which I present under my nom-de-plume of The Cat:

The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again (full version so I have time to gather my thoughts and compose myself after the dramas)
Cilla Black - Work Is A Four Letter Word (Connect 3)
The Beatle-ettes - Only Seventeen (Connect 3)
Janice Nicholls - I'll Give It Five (Connect 3)
The Action - Baby You've Got It
Truth and Beauty - Tuff Little Surfer Boy
Al Green - Here I Am (Come and Get Me) (Birthday)
Ricky and Sandy - Lost My Girl
Dana Gillespie - You Just Gotta Know My Mind
France Gall - Laisse Tomber Des Filles (Foreign Language)
The Fortunes - Carolina (My first ever listener request!)
The Cryan Shames - Greenburg, Glickstein, Charles, David Smith and Jones
The Bittersweets - The Hurtin' Kind
Cher - Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves
Timebox - Soul Sauce
The Beach Boys - Don't Worry Baby
The Moody Blues - Ride My See Saw
Mamas and the Papas - Glad To Be Unhappy
Tom Jones - Dr. Love
Duffy - Mercy (Under The Influence)
Duffy - Warwick Avenue (Under the Influence)
Nancy Sinatra - Last of the Secret Agents
Val McKenna - House For Sale
Jackie Lee - The Town I Live In
Manfred Mann - Ha Ha Said The Clown
Jan and Dean - The Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga Sewing Circle Book Review and Timing Association (Connect 3)
Shirley Ellis - Ever See A Diver Kiss His Wife While The Bubbles Bounce About Above The Water (Connect 3)
Alma Cogan - Just Couldn't Resist Her With Her Pocket Transistor (Connect 3)
Gary Puckett & The Union Gap - Lady Willpower
Gene Pitney - Tremblin'
The Monkees - Valleri (Two of a Kind)
The Monkees - Mary Mary (Two of a Kind)
Jimmy Radcliffe - Long After Tonight Is All Over

Keith, whose Twilight Time show is on after mine, turned up in time for a welcoming chat and some useful advice. I'd "trained" Keith at Radio West Fife but he didn't stay long there and has been at VRN for 18 months and he really enjoys it. We even had some on-air banter too, just like real DJs! Roll on next Sunday.

I SOLD MY DREAMS AWAY

Wednesday 9 April 2008

I haven't blogged for a while because I've been ill. Not physically ill enough that i couldn't drag myself to the computer but mentally ill. There have been some physical ailments too, which are manifestations of my current stress and anxiety levels.

The back pains have gone, while the throats problems are lingering like a bad smell. My doctor have given me some peppermint type tablets for my stomach problems and she's trying me on new anti-depressants; I think these are my fourth or fifth different ones.

I've been off work since last Tuesday when my combined ailments struck. Last week was spent lazing around feeling sorry for myself while eating for comfort. I've now been signed off for another fortnight and I'm determined to drag myself up and get myself motivated. I've made lists of things to do over the last three days and am managing to get through them, which gives me an enormous sense of achievement. However, the "black dog" is still lurking and that continues to be a struggle.

























Now let me think what good news can I bring you to cheer you (and me) up. Well, since I last wrote the football boots I won in February have finally arrived (modelled by Wayne Rooney in the picture above). I'm still awaiting the other bits and pieces. We won a weekend in a Travelodge for four people via the Sunday Express Sportsword crossword. I also followed in the GLW's footsteps by winning a £25 runners-up prize in the Sunday Express' Skeleton crossword.

One of the major boosts to my confidence has been my acceptance as a presenter on (the award-winning) Kirkcaldy VRN, the hospital radio station which broadcasts to local hospitals and beyond. Normally it takes 3 months of training (a probationary period) before they would even think of putting you on air but because I've done it before I took to it fairly easily. We're using a system called Myriad 3, which is like a big Windows Media Player. My first show is this Sunday (5-7) and I'm looking forward to getting stuck in. I need some fine tuning but that comes with practice. More importantly, the people I've met have been really friendly and very helpful.

I've pretty much decided what I'm going to play and it'll be along the lines of my previous show on RWF, where I played mod, soul, girl groups, sunshine pop and all manner of delights from the late 50s through to the early 70s. I'll post my set list after the show (we're not allowed to do it before we broadcast) so you can see what I'm playing. I'll use my old nom-de-plume too, The Cat, and my show will be called "Where The Action Is".

I've also written another Recommend piece for The Scotsman and that should be in next Wednesday's edition, which will be celebrating their first anniversary of the feature.

I finally managed to get hold of Care's "Diamonds and Emeralds" CD, which brings together their singles and the "lost" album. I got it on eBay for £1.70 - my kind of record shopping. When I get a minute I'll post a couple of tracks. For those of you who don't know Care, they were Paul Simpson of The Wild Swans and ubiquitous scouse popster Ian Broudie of Lightning Seeds fame. Because it's a compilation of bits and pieces rather than a "proper" album, it can seem a bit patchy and "of it's time" but I like it a lot. "Flaming Sword" certainly stills stands up as a fine pop song. Hell, I remember that even my mother liked it and that's saying something.

One of my favourite bands, The Orchids, are playing in Glasgow tomorrow night but as it's only a short set (it's a charity gig with loads of bands doing small sets) I've decided to give it a miss. I have, however, managed to tickets for The Proclaimers gig at Dunfermline's Carnegie Hall in July. It's a charity gig to help send a local lad to Florida to get some dolphin therapy.

On my list of chores to do while I'm off is to sort Sky+, which is happening on Saturday. We got fed up missing programmes we wanted to catch so we've bitten the bullet. We're going to change our broadband over too but we'll have to wait until the start of June as we're still under contract to BT. I phoned BT yesterday to check on how I would go about changing and not surprisingly my concerns were cast aside as the woman not only tried to sell me BT Vision (their Sky+) but she managed, rather magically, to take £5 off our monthly Broadband bill if we signed up for another 12 months! This begs the question, why not sell me Broadband at £17.99 ALL the time, instead of when I'm threatening to leave. There was also some scaremongering about what Sky might or might not be able to deliver! I said I'd call back in June. The only good part is the call to BT was free, while the calls to Sky were on an 0844 number. I was on the phone to Sky for more than 15 minutes and the woman I spoke to even read out some lengthy Terms and Conditions at my expense, which I hardly had time to take in.

I've also put a couple of items up for auction on eBay. Mike Joyce, drummer with The Smiths, sat in for Marc Riley on his "Rocket Science" show on BBC6 Music and gave away some of his Smiths own stuff in a competition. These included a "Shakespeare's Sister" signed 12" white label, some original Rough Trade postcards and an English Tour programme from 1985. I've decided to sell them because, whilst they're nice items, I can't really enjoy them. I have the songs and someone else might appreciate them more. I have other Smiths items of worth but those mean too much to me.

Stop...coffee time.

NO REST FOR THE WICKED

Monday 31 March

I felt bad enough this morning (back, throat, stomach, mental) without a stand up argument with the driver on the X57 adding to my misery. I’d cross swords with him before. Basically, he’d failed to stop at a stop that other drivers of the same bus had stopped at. What annoyed me even more was that I was arguing that he should stop there only to realise when I got off the bus that it was the other drivers who were wrong and, as a result, that made me wrong. This gets me even more worked up as I stomped back along the Dean Bridge towards work. It really is no wonder people don’t want to use public transport. I’m sick and tired of drivers who don’t know where they’re going; don’t know what ticket to sell you and a local council who pays lip service to any notion of promoting public transport use.

One of the problems I have is that I’m a 45-minute walk, even with my long legs, from the nearest train station. If I wanted to go the train station with the GLW in the morning, I would have to change my working hours so as to get a lift to the train station. Even if I walked to Rosyth or Dunfermline Press train station I would then have to walk from Haymarket Station because there isn’t a direct bus service to Fettes. Which means I would have to go to Waverley and then get a Lothian Buses pass. I shouldn’t have to do that though, should I?

I’ve resisted the temptation to go home at lunchtime, even though I probably should. Thankfully, I’m getting a lift home so I can have a shower before I go to the radio station tonight. Maybe that’ll put some life in me.

As it turned out the Request Show went pretty well and Bob seems happpy enough with my progress in the little time I've been there. There's a big meeting on Wednesday so I'll get to meet some of the other presenters.

Sunday 30 March

Most of the day was spent doing the crosswords and competitions from Thursday’s Dunfermline (De)Press, Friday’s Express, Saturday’s Telegraph and Daily Record and Sunday’s News of the World, Express and Mail on Sundays. You’ve got to be in it to win it.

Also had a good neb at our new neighbours. They may have a dog, they may smoke and they may come from West Lothian (WL van hire company) but at the movement this is purely guesswork. One thing I do know, they have the same lawnmower. The chances of them being into indie pop and board games are probably slim though. I’m just glad the other family has gone. It used to wind me up when they used to park outside our house when they had access to a total of four spaces of their own (two on their drive, one in front of the drive and one in front of the lawn). The kids are ill disciplined with parents who have no concept of common courtesy or childcare. I won’t miss the kids constantly kicking balls into our garden or the youngest one doing the toilet wherever he felt like it; whether it be pissing behind the bins at number 7 or taking a dump in their own back garden. They won’t be missed.

Saturday 29 March

The GLW and the Flickster had a birthday party to go to at lunchtime so I did a couple of CDs for Gaz of Jackie Leven and John Martyn, as well as some general pottering about. My mother-in-law came over to baby-sit as we had tickets for “Black Watch” at the Rothes Hall, Glenrothes.
What can I say about “Black Watch” that hasn’t already been said? Simply stunning, would do for a start. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it was the most amazing piece of theatre I have ever seen. After the standing ovation we left in stunned silence. The GLW and I were nearly in tears. The Glenrothes shows were all sold out but it goes on to the SECC in Glasgow for a week in mid April. Go and see it because you won’t be disappointed.

Friday 28 March

Back to work. Five of us went to Pizza Express for Nikki’s leaving do (technically she’s only gone up the corridor to cover for maternity leave but since when did that stop us having a “do”?) and then to the Police Club for a few drinks, which is handy for the bus station. Unfortunately the way the buses connect in the evening I can either wait 30 minutes for a D7 home from the Ferrytoll, or 5 minutes. Obviously the 5-minute transfer is a bit tight and somewhat risky if there are any delays. I took the safe option, got the 2200 bus from Edinburgh Bus Station and sat with my mp3 player for company at the Ferrytoll for half an hour. I was thoroughly depressed by the time I got home.

Thursday 27 March

Today we all had a day off for the GLW’s cousin’s wedding at Dalhousie Castle. The venue is near where I used to go to school so I know the area very well but even I couldn’t believe some of the changes. If there were any more houses in the Sherwood/Cockpen area, Bonnyrigg and Newtongrange would merge as one.

At least half of the GLW’s cousins were in attendance and I met people whose names I couldn’t remember and who I hadn’t seen for at least a couple of years. The day dragged on a bit as the moaning photographer when through his tick list of group wedding photographs – all the men, all the women, all of the bride’s friends and family, all of the groom’s friends and family, all the kilts, you get the idea…

There was a live band, who were just okay (the guitarist fancied himself as a bit of a Hendrix) but because I wasn’t drinking I wasn’t really in the mood to dance either. I didn’t mind staying sober, to be honest. Most of the time I find drinking rather dull and pointless.

Wednesday 26 March

I really didn’t know what to expect with the Jackie Leven gig. Having only heard one album and read of Jackie’s battles with alcoholism and mental health, I half expected to see some sort of dishevelled drunkard staggering on stage with a bottle of Bourbon in one hand and a well-worn beat-up old guitar in the other. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After an excellent support slot from Doug Johnstone* (of Northern Alliance), Jackie appeared from the crowd, opened up his guitar case, got a couple of drinks sorted (lager and a double vodka if I’m not mistaken) and off he went.

*Doug's set was a mixture of The Ossians' songs, Northern Alliance songs and new songs. The approximate set list was: St. Andrew's Day, My Evil Twin, Question Mark, Patron Saint of Sore Throats/Dry Your Eyes (The Streets), We Hit The Town Drinkin', Tomb of the Eagles, ? and A Song For The End Of The Set.

Jackie kicked off with Elegy For Johnny Cash and this was followed, between stories, by Kings of Infinite Space/Me and Mrs Jones, Classic Northern Diversions, Here Come The Urban Ravens (Homage to Kevin Coyne), Another Man's Rain/Here Comes The Sun, Olivier Blues, Exit Wound, Single Father, Farm Boy (part) and Little Voice in Space/Bobby Shafto. The songs were interspersed with all manner of stories and witticisms with topics mentioned including the Norwegian fjords, armed robbers, weirdos on trains, his favourite episode of Columbo, Johnny Cash, Tony Bennett, Niles Crane, Laurence Olivier and Kevin Coyne. This gig will live with me for a long time and I can't wait to see him again.

I had been more nervous about the drive into Edinburgh and the search for a parking space but those were unfounded. I got easily parked on Chambers Street, although I think I broke the law on at least one occasion because a misleading traffic sign saw me follow two taxis onto Princes Street. I even had the luxury of having a not-very-nice Fish Supper in the comfort of the car before the gig.

Anyway, on the way back to the car after the gig I walked past Wilkie House, where I’d first met the GLW many moons ago, and walked up the steps at Guthrie Street. I heard a lot of noise coming from Chambers Street and when I got to the top of the steps I realised what the brou-ha-ha was all about. A group of young Goths (I use the phrase “Goths” loosely because they weren’t proper Goths, not the Goths I grew up with) were arguing with a man in his 40s/50s and the man then pushed one of the female Goths over on the pavement. She hit the pavement with such force that I decided to call the police. After giving a full description and feeling proud of myself for doing my civic duty, I got in the car and tried to work out how the hell I would get out of Edinburgh.

Not surprisingly, I took a wrong lane on Queen Street (again down to piss poor street markings that were invisible in the rain and dark) and ended up going round Charlotte Square. I knew I couldn’t go down Queensferry Street so I had to do a u-turn and finally found my way back to the road home. It didn’t end there though, oh no it didn’t. Just as I got over the Dean Bridge my phone went off. Instinctively, I answered it, only to hear the police at the other end. I pulled over! They just wanted further descriptions of what had happened on Chambers Street.
There was only one more incident on the way home. As I turned into Carnegie Drive on the outskirts of Dunfermline, from the A823, I saw a red car wrapped around a lamppost on the left hand side of the road. Now I know that there’s an “adverse camber” sign on the kerbside opposite but he/she must have been going at some speed to have such an “accident”. (I say “accident” but I don’t really believe there is such a thing. Accidents are preventable. When I did my Pass Plus course they always referred to “crashes” and not “accidents”).

BLACK WATCH (Rothes Hall, Glenrothes)














This is the most amazing piece of theatre I have seen in my life. You MUST see it. But don't just take my word for it. See these reviews.

TESTING, TESTING, 1, 2, 3

I'm trying out this music on the Blog malarkey!

Here's what the NME would probably call the New Wave of Power Pop.

New Pornographers - The Laws Have Changed

I like Pete Yorn's first couple of albums but I feel his constant tourinng in America is turning him inot a corporate behemoth, with nothing to show for it but some great tunes and a loyal, small but perfectly formed fanbase. I love "Sense".

Pete Yorn - Sense

Okay so they used to be the Sea Urchins but Delta are/were cruelly underrated.

Delta - Low Flying

Enjoy.

RADIO RADIO

Tuesday 25 March

It’s back to the 9 to 5, or 8 to 4 in my case. It’s a busy old week with a gig on Wednesday (Jackie Leven), a wedding on Thursday, a leaving “do” on Friday and some cultcha with a trip to Glenrothes to see “Black Watch”. It’s amazing I’ve got time to go to work at all.

I really must get this Sky+ business sorted out. There are too many programmes on just now that clash and I’m fed up missing out. I’m enjoying “Mad Men” but I keep falling asleep because it’s on late.

I also need to fix the cold tap in the en-suite bathroom but I’m to DIY what Harold Shipman was to geriatric care.

Monday 24 March

Spent the morning going round a couple of wards at the Victoria asking for hospital radio requests. It was an interesting experience and I met some fascinating people. Elizabeth, who was showing me the ropes, and I returned to the studio to dig out the records requested. I said that I would go home and download or copy the tracks that weren’t on the studio system or in the record library. The requests we gathered included Placido Domingo, Mario Lanza, Steely Dan, Air, Carly Simon, Tina Turner, Arthur Conley, Paul and Paula (for a patient called Paula), The Beatles, Glenn Millar, Russell Watson and Buddy Holly.

I returned to the station in the evening only to be met by some of the local feral youths in the car park. One of them made a non-verbal gesture with his hands towards me as I drove past. I think he was “magicking the beans”! (Their parents must be so proud). Anyway the distraction was enough for me to leave the lights on and forget to lock the car. Thankfully someone from the hospital spotted it and phoned the police, who in turn got in touch with the GLW, who then phoned the studio during the show!

That’s right “during the show”. Bob started the request show and I though I’d just be doing more training but he threw me in at the deep end and I ended up doing almost all of the show. Having collected the requests personally it felt good reading them out and playing them for the people I’d spoken to earlier in the day. I always believe that communication with your listeners is important. This is something I picked up from Andrew Collins when he did his BBC6 Music. He always made time to reply to any queries or questions, even when he was on air. Iain Waugh and Grant Stott do that at Forth One as well. It’s the little personal touches that make the difference.

Apart from a couple of minor glitches, I thought it went well and, more importantly, Bob thought so too. I even managed to use the turntables, something I didn’t do at Radio West Fife. I’m supposed to go through a 3-month probation before I get a show but it may be sooner – fingers crossed.

Sunday 23 March

After dropping the girls off at church I popped into Tossco for the Sunday papers and was over the moon to see that I, like the GLW a few weeks ago, had won a £25 runners-up prize in the Sunday Express Skeleton crossword. I phoned my old friend Dorothy to compare prizes as she and her husband had won the Scottish crossword from a Friday edition of the Scottish Daily Express. Her prize was £100 and a bottle of whisky.

After a quick go at the crosswords and comps, we headed off to Elizabeth and David’s for our traditional Easter gathering. It’s all food and drink although the GLW is delighted that this year, for the first time, it’ll be me who’s driving so she can have a drink or three. We introduced a quiz over the last few years with host Dave as quizmaster. I paired up with my father-in-law this year but we lost out after some appalling marking. I made a couple of writing errors (I wrote down Peter Boone instead of Peter Noone, a simple mistake) and they wouldn’t accept them. I couldn’t even blame being drunk of the errors. The GLW said if it had been anyone else she’d have given me the points! I’m going to take them to the Quiz Court of Arbitration. I’ll be back…(evil laugh)…

Saturday 22 March

The GLW and the Flickster went into Edinburgh for haircuts and I amused myself in Dunfermline. I finally found a charger for my Nokia 6111. Argos had a universal one for £4.99, although I was somewhat bemused that it came in a small white box with no instructions or information! It could have come off a market stall for all I knew.

Friday 21 March 2008

This is the personalised bottle of whisky I won in a competition from The List magazine. It also have a few lines on the back that read "For services to television and radio game/quiz shows"! What the hell, if I can't blow my own trumpet then who can?

Yesterday's Dunfermline (De)Press has brought another funny story. The Council are trying to buy a house that doesn't exist from a man they can't find! You couldn't make this up.

Stagecoach have bought out Rennies to increase their monopoly in Fife. So this is what our fares "reviews" pay for.

The English Broadcasting Corporation has bought the rights to Formula 1 for an estimated price of up to £200m, yet can't find £3m for the rights to broadcast Scotland's football matches. Mind you, if we had a Scottish Broadcasting Corporation it would have just as bad, with a bias towards Glasgow.

Dunfermline Football Club have sold their old Astroturf pitch tiles on eBay. It put the idea in my head to astroturf the whole of our back garden. The grass is very damp, has poor drainage and we could spend a small fortune trying to sort it out.

I'm thinking of putting music on my Blog. Any advice from readers as to how to go about it?

STAND AND (DON’T) DELIVER

Monday 17 March

My first job of the day is to send a complaint to Idea Generation, the PR company dealing with the Mojo competition (about APC), and to APC Overnight themselves for their piss poor service. I suggest to Idea Generation that they ask for some sort of refund because they didn’t get what they paid for. I tried phoning the HQ of APC but they insisted that complaints need to be sent to local depots, despite the fact that their website calls their HQ the Customer Relations Department. This makes me less hopefully that there will be any kind of recourse regards the shoddy service. My experience of franchised delivery depots is not good (yes, Amtrak, I haven’t forgotten) so I’m not hopeful.

Tonight I pop along to Kirkcaldy VRN for an informal chat with a view to joining the hospital radio station.

Sunday 16 March

It’s up early for Flick’ Team Relay Race for Sport Relief. Great fun was had by all as parents and children alike ran the course. In fact, we all did it twice, including special guest Spencer from kids TV programme Balamory. Luckily their were no drug controls at the events as Flick has taken a banned substance prior to the race; namely Tixylix. If push came to shove I’d have taken her urine test for her although I suspect it would’ve contained an abnormally high level of Stella, especially for a three year old.

Saturday 15 March

As I didn’t get home until late on Friday I had to get up early (7am) to phone APC Overnight again. I told a girl called Lorna about the non-delivery and asked her if it could be delivered today, she said it couldn’t. When I pointed out the mistakes were her company’s she insisted it couldn’t be delivered until Monday morning at the earliest. She did apologise but I felt that wasn’t enough. I even asked if they could deliver it to my work address. She took the details and said she would check. She came back on the phone and they couldn’t deliver it as it would need to go to another depot and that there would be an additional charge!! Eventually, I asked her for the address of their depot and I went and got it myself. I had to drive from Dunfermline to a well-hidden muddy pothole-ridden industrial estate on the outskirts of Edinburgh, with a three year-old in tow.

The wait has been worth it though because the books are absolutely fantastic. Have a look at the links below about the three books. My copies are the “ordinary” versions, which are anything but ordinary.

DAVID BOWIE – STATION TO STATION
BOB MARLEY – REBEL MUSIC
ELVIS PRESLEY – THE BIRTH OF ROCK

Picked up Gary at the Ferrytoll and we spent the afternoon watching the football results come in while Gaz tuned and played the guitar.

The GLW returned from her Guides trip to Dumfries in time to watch the “Funny People” (Flick’s name for “You’ve Been Framed”) and “Harry Hill’s TV Burp”.

Friday 14 March

Andrew was leaving our work to go and live in Germany so I was persuaded by my colleagues to pop along for a couple of drinks. The GLW picked me up and, after a bite to eat; I retired to the comfort of my bed.

Thursday 13 March

Walked from the West End this morning in a vague attempt to get some sort of exercise. It was cold but I had some tunes for company – The Smiths, My Bloody Valentine, The Darling Buds, Val McKenna, Icicle Works, The Mighty Wah etc.

Been feeling rather depressed for a couple of days now. After the “high” of the Training Day, I’m back down to earth with the mundanity of my working day. I sometimes wonder how I’ve got time to work with all my extra curricular projects to do.

I did an interview with Martin Ingram at Original 106 FM this morning about the Jock ‘n’ Roll website and my “career” as a quiz/game show contestant. It went out on Sunday between 10 and 2 on his Sunday brunch show. I also recorded a feature for his breakfast show called “Are You Smarter Than…”. In this case, it was “Are You Smarter Than A Quiz Show Contestant?” and he posed me five questions. I scored three out of five. I think it’ll be broadcast this week sometime.

I get home to find yet another card from APC Overnight (an ironic name). This time it has a note attached saying I need to re-arrange delivery or it’ll be returned to sender within 5 days!! So I phone them up again and tell them I’ve already re-arranged it for delivery on Friday. The man I spoke to said he’ll have a word with the driver, who has just come back.

The rest of the evening is spent driving around Dunfermline. I pick up another prize (a personalised bottle of Famous Grouse whisky, won from The List magazine, pictured) from the Sorting Office, then I head off to Asda to collect a prescription, Carnegie College to pay for my course (I find out that there’s a least another 6 people doing the course) and Tesco for the food shopping/Dunfermline (De)Press. I manage to get it all done before 8, without driving like an idiot.

Wednesday 12 March

WMESB™: The D7 was late and the X57 stopped at the wrong stop at the West End of Edinburgh.

Not feeling too great this morning. I’m enduring a “low mood” today due in no small part to my continuing frustration at a number of aspects of my life.

I return to work to find an e-mail telling me that my Dreamweaver course is, as far as Carnegie College are aware, still going ahead in April. The problem is that the course is on a Monday night and that’s when Bob at Kirkcaldy VRN does his training. Hmm, what to do?

Despite rearranging delivery for Friday APC have left another card saying they tried to deliver a parcel! If we’d wanted it delivered on Wednesday I’d have asked them on Monday to do that, instead of opting for Friday. It’s that kind of incompetence that does my head in. A simple instruction not adhered to.

Spent most of the night doing updates to the Jock ‘n’ Roll website, including a plug for the really rather excellent Chemikal Underground online shop and website. Also managed to find my ILA card so I can pay for my Dreamweaver course at Carnegie College tomorrow night.

Taped the Sport Relief edition of The Apprentice and then tuned into Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.

Tuesday 11 March

I’m out of the office today for a departmental training and development day – “team building” if you’d rather. Got a bit of a lie-in and helped drop off Flick at pre-school before getting the train into Waverley. I only get the train on exceptional occasions because I had an unpleasant run in with two members of their staff and as a result I refuse to give them any money.

The training day was an enjoyable experience, even though I made an arse of myself on a couple of games. We then headed off to Jimmy Chung’s for a Chinese buffet. After two plates of starters and one main course I had to throw in the towel.

I got the bus to the Ferrytoll and just missed my D7 so I had to wait for almost half an hour for the next one. I don’t like the Ferrytoll at the best of times but in the evenings it feel even more soulless and desolate. While I was waiting, someone, who I think was a couple of whiskeys short of a round, started playing some Gerry and the Pacemakers! At least it made a pleasant change from bland R ’n’ B or Happy Hardcore.

Luckily my friend Fiona got off a bus from Edinburgh and we waited together for the D7 and put the world to rights on the journey home.

Monday 10 March

Got home to find that a company called APC had tried to deliver a parcel. Fingers crossed, it might actually be the books from Mojo. Anyway, after three attempts to rearrange delivery someone finally answered the phone. I asked for it to be delivered later in the week, when the GLW doesn’t work, and the lady I spoke to said that wouldn’t be a problem.

Called Bob at Kirkcaldy VRN to arrange a trip to see him next Monday. I’ve applied to work at Kirkcaldy VRN, hopefully doing a show. Like Radio West Fife, VRN isn’t actually based at the hospital it’s affiliated to. I was hoping to do a dry run to see exactly where I should be going but I won’t have an opportunity before Monday. Hopefully my experience will be better than the last time I went to Kirkcaldy, when I didn’t have a Scooby where I was going.

Rather pissed off to find that “Damages” isn’t on. It’s only after I send an e-mail of complaint to the BBC (this is becoming a regular occurrence) that I find out that it’s because of Sport Relief. Whilst I’m looking forward to the Sport Relief version of The Apprentice and Flick’s own Team Relay Race, a lot of the other programmes leave me cold. Sport Portraits, my arse.

I HAVE NO BANANAS

Thursday 6 March

WMESB™: The D7 was late and the X57 stopped at the wrong stop at the West End of Edinburgh.

The traffic was horrendous last night and the X54, after nearly being taken out by a dickhead driver just after Craigleith, finally pulled into the Ferrytoll Park and Ride around 1740. When we got there, there was a police car present and a woman was being spoken to by a couple of Fife Constabulary’s finest. My D7 turned up so I was able to find out what was happening but I heard something about the female passenger interfering with the driver – oo-er missus!! She didn’t seem the type but it takes all sorts. (Stop Press: She was a South African woman who thought the bus driver was speeding and started kicking up a fuss!! However, the police worked out that she counted have seen the speedometer from where she was sitting!! What a loony!)

I was more worried about not getting home in time for my big TV appearance. I made it home only for the weather to turn and the ensuing wind and rain interfered with the telly picture. The Flickster was delighted to see her daddy on the box but the poor picture spoiled it somewhat. Thankfully, I’m getting it taped by a couple of people. It’s also available on BBC iPlayer for a week. It’s episode 8 of “Brainbox Challenge”, under “BBC2, Page 2, Brainbox Challenge, Episode 8” if you haven’t seen it. I’m on halfway through.

I then checked my e-mails to find sympathetic comments from John and Archie (he reports on Scottish football for the Sunday Times). Even more surprising was some e-mails in the Jock ‘n’ Roll inbox from a couple of people who watched the show and then checked out the Jock ‘n’ Roll website as a result. It’s amazing how humiliating yourself on national television can get you publicity.

Someone at work e-mailed me this morning to say, “I know the camera adds 10lbs on you but how many cameras were on you. Lucky I was watching in wide screen.” That’s just cruel! Also, if I’ve heard one banana comment this morning, I’ve heard a whole bunch of them. It’s a good job I can laugh at myself. Ha-ha-bloody-ha!
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The Daily Record has been giving away a different children’s TV DVD every day this week. I cut out yesterday’s token and took it to RS McColl’s. The guy handed over the “Thomas the Tank Engine” one and then asked if I wanted any more because he “had loads”. He grabbed a handful of each of the ones from the previous days and handed them over. I’ll keep one of each for The Flickster and then give the rest to her nursery/pre-school. What a nice guy I am. I wonder if he’ll do the same tonight. (Stop Press: Tonight it’s “The Wiggles” but he gave me those yesterday). Tomorrow it’s “Fireman Sam” and on Saturday it’s “Bob The Builder”).
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Some sad news has just come through. The priest, who married the GLW and I, has passed away in Barcelona, whilst in the city for the match against Celtic. God bless you, Monsignor David Gemmell, you were a gent.
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A complaint to the BBC: “Viewers in Scotland will be unable to watch tonight's "Ashes To Ashes" because of live football coverage. When will this episode be shown or will viewers in Scotland be shown the series a week behind the rest of the country? I don't understand why the Rangers game couldn't have been shown on BBC2 Scotland. Not everyone has access to Sky (to watch it an English BBC channel) or a computer (to watch the show on iPlayer). I look forward to your comments.”

VIDEO KILLED THE GAME SHOW STAR

Wednesday 5 March

WMESB™: I noticed on the X57 to work this morning that a Fares Revision (that’s increase to you and me) on Megarider tickets is imminent, from 17 March.

The GLW had a long Guide meeting last night so I had the house to myself. No greater love hath a man for his woman than to agree to tape “America’s Next Top Model” even though it means he can’t change channel (we have Sky but no aerial so have to watch the channel we’re taping) to watch the football.

I found out that because BBC 2 Scotland shows Gaelic programmes on a Thursday the editions of “Brainbox Challenge” shown on a Thursday and Friday in England go out on Friday and Saturday in Scotland. So I’ll be on tonight and my pals will be shown up here on Friday. It was strange watching the show last night as there were a few others I had spent time with in the green room. I only shared a few hours with them but they feel like old friends.

After I found out about the scheduling I e-mailed a few people with my latest “Blatant Self Publicity” bulletin to let them know that my show would DEFINITELY be going out tonight. Andrew Collins suggested there was a book in it – “Memoirs of a Game Show Loser”, anyone? It planted a seed but I don’t think I have the skill to do it. Maybe I do but I always doubt my own abilities and it’ll just end up as another fanciful idea, another “contender”, another woulda-coulda-shoulda.

Watched some of Arsenal’s victory over AC Milan. I’ve never seen Milan look so ordinary. When the GLW came in I checked the tape of her ANTM show and the end of the programme, the last couple of vital minutes when they choose who stays and who goes, was lost because the tape ran out!! (Memo to self: Must get that Sky+ sorted). The GLW and I then settled down with a cup of tea and the video remote as we fast-forwarded our way through the last couple of editions of Mastermind, which we hadn’t watched.

Mastermind is one show I’ve never really considered going for although, when I did “Do They Not Know That”, an ITV Digital football quiz, as part of a Hibernian team, I had to do two solo rounds. I had to swat up on the Hibs career of Franck Sauzee and the Skol Cup winning run of 1991. I did well on the latter. In fact, I only got one question wrong and that was the score in the final, the first question!!! A lot of the information I needed to find out wasn’t available on the information super dual carriageway so I went to the National Library and trawled through the Scotsman and Evening News archives. It paid dividends as I scored 13 in 90 seconds, an impressive haul. The show itself was the Sagrada Familia of quizzes in that it went on forever (12 groups of 9 teams) and remains unfinished as ITV Digital went belly up before it was completed. Last year I managed to get copies of the shows we did (only one of them actually aired). Originally ITV wanted £150 for the DVDs but reneged and sent them for nothing as I’d been on the show. Pity the BBC weren’t so generous. I’m still trying to get copies of a couple of shows I was on and I’d love a decent copy of my “Wheel of Fortune” show, which I have on an old blank tape, but the Beeb charge £100 per show.

I have another Top 5 in today’s Scotsman with “Best Constructed Language” (add LINK). As a Brucie Bonus it’s also won me a meal for two at The Wee Restaurant in North Queensferry. Woo-hoo!

Grant Stott played 1981 on today’s Top Ten at Ten Plus Ten and I think it’s the best year ever for chart pop – Adam and the Ants, Depeche Mode, Kim Wilde et al. My favourite year ever is 1967.

My reaction to my TV appearance tomorrow...

UNIVERSALLY CHALLENGED

Tuesday 4 March

WMESB™: A reasonable straightforward journey into work, although the X57 driver told a passenger that he doesn’t stop at the Holiday Inn Garden Court, even though the bus stop says it should. And I KNOW it should because I am BUS MAN!!

Last night I attended the New Driver Evening at Fife Police HQ as part of the Pass Plus scheme. Fife Police, in conjunction with Fife Council, offer the scheme at a reduced rate so instead of paying £150 for 6 Pass Plus lessons, they offer a 75% discount giving a price of £35, which, i'm sure you'll agree, is very reasonable.

It was an hour and a half presentation, including an attempt to sell Advanced Driver Training lessons too. I might consider it if I had “spare” cash but I haven’t so I’ll await that Lotto win. I also couldn’t believe that two people turned up half an hour late for the presentation. I found the venue easily enough but the trip home wasn’t so straightforward as I took just one wrong turning at one of the many roundabouts and before I knew it I was back at Police HQ! Driving round roads I don’t know, in the dark, was rather scary and I suspect I may have committed several driving offences. Thankfully the roads were quiet. Perhaps my next TV appearance will be on "Police Camera Action 7". I pulled in at Police HQ, checked my map, saw where I had gone wrong (I blame the poor signage) and drove off.

The GLW had kindly bought me the Duffy album “Rockferry” to listen to while I drove to Glenrothes and back. After a couple of listens, albeit under the steady hum of an engine, I liked the album and I know that it’ll grow on me even more. What I like about the album is that it isn’t perfect. It’s good and an excellent debut but it’s not perfect. I see that the backlash has already started and some reviews were going down the very lazy new-Amy-Winehouse route. Duffy actually dropped her first name, Aimee, for fear of such comparisons. “Rockferry” augurs well for the future and good luck to her.

I tiptoed into the house at 9pm because the GLW was watching the final episode of “The Palace”. I busied myself doing, well, anything else I could think of. The GLW had taped the final of "University Challenge" so we watched it between “The Palace” and “Damages”. It was a good contest with Christ Church Oxford (captained by a lad who could easily have been in the Lovin' Spoonful or some other West Coast band in the 60s) triumphing over a one-man Sheffield effort. I didn’t get much right but the three-part question about the 1950 World Cup was meat and drink to me (The answers were Uruguay, India and England). As usual, the GLW got what I call the “snobby” questions while I got the “scum” questions.

MUM’S THE WORD

Monday 3 March

WMESB™: Froze my nads off at my shelterless bus stop this morning (* More on this later). Got the X57 into town and had the pleasure of my pal Fiona’s company. Hadn’t seen her for ages on the bus as she now gets different buses to work. She was one of the campaigners to save the Yellow Taxibus.

I had most of the weekend to myself so I got on with a number of little projects. I’m making a box set for Jock ‘n’ Roll Dave’s birthday. He was in a band called Paintbomb! and I have most of their gigs on tape. For years I’ve been saying I’ll copy them for him but haven’t got round to it. I have an empty CD box that can fit six discs in it so I’m putting the Paintbomb! gigs and demos on to three of them and making some compilations for the other three.

One of the compilations is going to be called “I Was Looking For A Job…” and will feature tracks/bands with occupations in the title e.g. “The Composer” (The Supremes) or “If I Were A Carpenter” (Four Tops). Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon sorting out a long shortlist, which I’ll whittle down this week. Any other suggestions would be welcome.

I was also thinking of doing a compilation of instrumentals and maybe a CD full of quiz audio rounds (Dave’s a quiz nut too).

I haven’t written much over the last few days as I’ve been busy with little bits and pieces and, to be honest, rather depressed, so here’s a brief summary:

Friday: I found out today that the edition of “Brainbox Challenge”, which I feature in briefly, will be broadcast on Wednesday 5 March at 6.30pm on BBC2.

Tickets have been purchased for Edwyn Collins’ gig at The Queen’s Hall in Edinburgh on April 21st and I Am Kloot’s gig at the ABC2 in Glasgow on April 27th (anyone with advice on parking in Glasgow on a Sunday night would be appreciated). I was in the queue behind a couple of woman buying tickets for Girls Aloud and The Proclaimers at the Castle. £77 for two tickets Girls Aloud tickets (that doesn’t include the £3.50 per ticket for using a credit card – they went to a bank to get cash instead). At least Dick Turpin wore a mask!

Thursday: Usually it’s me that is so wound up by the Dunfermline (De) Press that I feel the need to wax lyrical but it’s the GLW who is annoyed. The Press asks a number of people a question of a current subject and these answers are spread out through the paper. This week’s topic is real nappies and the GLW is appalled by the responses of the people spoken to. Some of these women need shooting for the pathetic excuses these give for not using real nappies. EXPAND.

Wednesday: I have another Top 5 in the Recommends section of The Scotsman. The topic was “Musical Mothers” for Mother’s Day. I’ve also noticed over the last couple of weeks that someone else is trying to muscle in on my musical Recommends. McCabe, I’m the Daddy – remember that!!

There wasn’t much on telly so I adjourned to my study and listened to Andrew Collins and Richard Herring’s very enjoyable first Podcast . (I’ve downloaded their second and third ones too, for later consumption). It took me up to “Shameless”, which was a less than cheery episode. I’m actually getting to the point with it whereby I wouldn’t be bothered if I missed it. It used to be essential viewing.

*I received a reply from Fife Council again with regards to my request for a bus shelter, which goes as follows:

“I refer to your email dated 26th February 2008 to Cllrs Goodall, Martin, Rumney and Walker and also to our previous email correspondence regarding the above matter.

As you know, a recent assessment of the bus stop in question has shown there is currently an insufficient passenger usage to meet Fife Council's criteria for bus shelter provision.

However, the forthcoming bus service changes (7th April) may have a positive impact on the usage of this stop. Therefore, once these service changes have bedded in, I will arrange for another passenger survey to be carried out in May. Should the usage of the stop then meet the criteria for shelter provision, I will look towards the most suitable available Capital funding source to procure shelter facilities at this stop. I would point out at this stage that any proposed bus shelter site is subject to consultation with adjacent households and any objections duly considered.

With regard to the existing bus shelters on Linburn Road, I will monitor the usage of the two stops near Masterton roundabout following the service changes. When the NHS submitted their planning application to build the new Health Centre on Linburn Road near Trondheim Parkway, Transportation Services requested the provision of two bus shelters at this development as this type of facility is likely to generate a significant public transport demand. I understand these shelter facilities are currently being installed.

I trust this clarifies the current situation and will write to you again once the May survey is complete.”

This translates as “you’ve got two hopes and one’s Bob”. I actually thought my ears were going to snap off this morning it was so cold. I can’t help wondering what we in the Eastern Expansion are getting for our council tax. Oh silly me, I forgot about our three recycling bins and…er…that’s it! We’ve got no direct bus service to Edinburgh (three services have been removed), the police can’t find us and only now, four years after moving in, are we finally getting local amenities; a library, a school and a health centre. Rumours of a pub and Post Office are unconfirmed at this time.

I get a call from Orange about the reverse-charged texts I’ve been receiving (remember the one asking me to text STAR to 60999 to audition for the next Harry Potter film!). It seems that, under normal circumstances, Orange don’t provide itemised phone bills for Pay As You Go customers but, because I was misinformed, they’ll send me a list of calls for the last three months. The guy who called me also gave me the contact details for the company concerned, MX Telecom. He gave me their 0870-19994741 number but there’s no way I’m going to give them any more money. Orange have said that, once again, they’ll give me 100 free texts but they said that last time and then sent me a text that they couldn’t do it after all.

I’ve now e-mailed the company (support@txtnation.com) and asked that all of these messages stop and that they refund me for charges already accrued. It may be only pennies but there’s a principle at stake here. How can I be charged for something I didn’t ask for in the first place and why show I pay again to ask them to stop? Don’t make me angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. (Stop Press: my e-mail has returned as “YOUR EMAIL TO SUPPORT@TXTNATION.COM HAS NOT BEEN PROCESSED” so I’ve resent it to feedback@txtnation.com).

Me and “the lads” have three topics of discussion in our usual e-mail chats (usually entitled "Working Group" or "Evaluation Report" to disguise the fact we're not really working); top 5 own goals, top 5 girl singers and top 5 songs that “get you in such a way that you find yourself having to listen to them on repeat endlessly” (© Joe)

My Top 5 girl singers, off the top of my head, were/are:

1. Helen Shapiro
2. Madeline Bell
3. Dusty Springfield
4. Ella Washington
5. Duffy

My Top 5 songs to play on endless repeat are:

1. Chin Chin - Stop! Your Crying
2. Babybird - Goodnight
3. Ride - Twisterella
4. Field Mice - Sensitive
5. The Icicle Works - Hollow Horse

Competition Update: The GLW and I have won a personalised bottle of Famous Grouse whisky from The List. We don’t drink it so we’ll get it personalised with a message for someone who does like the stuff. How about “how can you drink this shit?” We’d give it to the postie but he still hasn’t delivered our prizes from Mojo or the football website.

Memo to self: Write shorter daily blogs instead of saving them up and why don't you use pictures anymore?