Saturday 11 October 2008

An update on the life of Misery Guts, since I last blogged.

I've got new glasses, a la Elvis Costello. Everyone likes them, which pleases me, although they felt right from the moment I tried them on.

Didn't get invited on to "In It To Win It". Neither did Mark, who partnered me on "Sudo-Q". I deliberately got three general knowledge questions wrong on the test; he said he "messed up" a dozen! I'm beginning to think there really is no point in applying for any quiz/game shows produced by 12 Yard. I put so much effort into my audition and for what? Brussel sprout. I'll be interested who, if anyone, appears on the show from my audition. This may sound bitter, and it isn't because I've said it before, but "In It To Win It" is a perfect example of the dumbing down of TV. They don't want intelligent people on it because it would cost them a small fortune.

We got a Wii and I'm addicted to the Sports one and Super Mario Carts. Mrs Cat loves Guitar Hero III but I just can't get into it. She's also managed to knacker the Whammy Bar already - does anyone know how to fix them? The Tennis on the Sports edition is really getting me fit. Every night I run around the living room daft, sweating like Michelle McManus in Greggs.

Had a week off in September. Money's tight so we've been sampling various caravan/holiday parks over the last couple of years. This time it was Seton Sands, or as I preferred to call it The Jeremy Kyle Caravan Park. Full of jakey fuckwits with tattoos, nae teeth and Rangers tops (and that was just the women). We took advantage of various free/discounted tickets we were able to get through our respective places of work. We got £5 tickets for East Links Family Park, which I can highly recommend, although leave the Jelly Belly to the kids - I nearly broke my neck on it! (We completed a quiz while we were there and we've won a free family pass for October so we'll be off there again soon over the next couple of weeks). We also got to see Dirleton Castle for free. We didn't bother partaking of any of the on-site entertainment at the Caravan Park. There's an on-site chip shop that charges £1.80 for a bag of chips!!

Still doing the hospital radio show and recently I broadcast the interview I did with Michaela Tabb, as well as a Joe Meek special to celebrate the anniversary of "Telstar" being number one.

Pop bands I like and am not afraid to admit it: The Sugababes, Savage Garden and A1's "Caught In The Middle".

New records purchased/received:

1. Various - Ripples Volume 3: Autumn Almanac
2. Various - Ripples Volume 2: Dreamtime
3. Various - Ripples Volume 7: Rainbows
4. Various - Ripples Volume 8: Butterfly
4. Various - Scotbeat Volume 1: Don't Look Down (thanks Lenny)
5. Various - Scotbeat Volume 2: She's Nice People (thanks Lenny)
6. Various - Scotbeat Volume 3: Psychedelic Shortbread (thanks Lenny)
7. The Fabulous Artisans - ...from red to blue Singles Collection (thanks Neil)
8. Various - Here Come The Boys 2: In My Imagination
9. Various - They Were Wrong: Joe's Boys Volume One
10. Various - Ripples Volume 1: Look At The Sunshine
11. Jackie Leven - Night Lilies
12. Jackie Leven - Cretaures of Light and Darkness

A lack of motivation has meant I've not being doing any competitions or prize draws lately but that didn't stop us receiving a free Pearl Jam CD from Ben Sherman.com. I got £3.53 for it from on eBay!

Gigwise, I've been to see Ronnie Spector (The Arches, Glasgow) and in a couple of weeks I'm off to Perth to see Jackie Leven, for the third time this year. I went to see Ronnie Spector on my own but was delighted to meet a long lost friend Stuart Cant on the way in. The guy is a legend in the Edinburgh. He ran so many great clubs; Twiggy, The Top Ten Club, Baby... We went to see One Thousand Violins together a lot, although he saw them loads more than me.

Thank christ the train strike is over. The bus regulars couldn't get in their normal buses for all the Train Refugees taking up the seats. Fuck off back to your cattle trucks.

People who currently annoy me:

1. The selfish twat on the 55 bus who always sits behind the driver and places his bag on the adjacent seat. He puts his mp3 player on and then pretends he's asleep so that no-one takes the seat beside him with the bag on it. Even when the bus is mobbed and loads of people are standing he makes no attempt to shift his bag. Hey pal, your bag doesn't have a ticket, so fuckin' shift it. He also has this annoying habit of dumping his apple cores in the Used Ticket receptacle. If I'm struggling for a seat I deliberate target his bag seat. You should too.

2. Life Property Management (LPM), or as I prefer to call them, Licence to Print Money. Robbin' unregulated bastards.

3. My local councillors, especially the Lib Dem cock who insulted me in an e-mail and then forwarded it to me by mistake. Have to lose votes in one easy step.

4. The Dunfermline (De)Press. A seriously dull, unimaginative publication.

5. The selfish, arrogant bitch who tried to bully her way through the traffic a couple of weeks ago at the Barnton. She tried to push her way in front of the car I was a passenger in. She then had the nerve to make some comment about us not letting her in. We shouted that she was just a bully. The biggest laugh was when she made out that she was going to take our registration down. Ha! For one, she was totally in the wrong and two, she obviously doesn't know who we work for. I tried to get her licence plate but she was driving like such an idiot that she was off before I could do anything. There was a phone number on the side of the car but I didn't get that either but it did say something about "Done and Dusted". Bitch.

That's better...

Alternative versions of "Guitar Hero"

Dave, Gaz, Joe and I were rather bored one day and came up with these alternative versions of "Guitar Hero". Feel free to suggest your own.

"How about a shoegazing version? Comes with 15 effects pedals, a mic that you can't turn up, an old school tie from one of the Home Counties finest educational establishments and an instruction booklet on how to ruin your posture.

Or a post punk version with a raincoat, a copy of Also Sprach Zarathustra and a Will Sergeant wig?"

"We could have a Jimi Hendrix version, which would come with a free headband, as well as its own lighter and white spirit.

What about a Who version? The guitar itself would come in 38 pieces.

A Top of the Pops edition would have a guitar that isn't actually plugged in."

John Squire version: Comes with wrap of coke, paint by numbers set and a yoga DVD which shows you how to stick your head up your own a*se.

"Folking Hell turbo edition: Comes with false beard, woollen sweater with leather elbow patches, and a year's membership to CAMRA"

"Westlife edition. The guitar just sits in the corner but it comes with a free stool for use during the key changes."

"Stone Roses Second Coming edition...... wont be ready for another 5 years"

"Oasis edition. Relaunched every two years and the reviews say it's really good then after 2 months everyone returns to playing the first edition. See also Belle and Sebastian"

"Status Quo edition - Only plays three chords.

X Factor edition - Out of tune for the first five weeks.

Peter Hook edition - comes with an extra long strap"

"The Amy Winehouse edition - despite the cover looking quite interesting and exciting there's actually nothing in the box, it's just an empty, vacuous shell"

"The Happy Mondays Edition, which comes with smack, crack and pop!"

"The Frankie Goes to Hollywood edition where you do nothing and someone else plays on it.

The Fall edition which changes every three months

The Sleeper edition which is p*sh"

"The Charlatans edition: the guitar never requires the batteries to be changed or charged, it just keeps going, and going... and going......... and going............... and going.................. never changing, never wavering, even when you've turned the TV off, stopped listening and gone to bed..."

"The Levellers edition - You don't take it out the box, you just move it on. Also available with free dog on a string."

"Verve edition: Always falls apart within three months.

Smiths edition: You get sued by the backing track."

The LA's version; promised a great deal on the box but only delivered Cast in the end!"

Nah the La's version is only available on punched cards for a computer the size of a house because that's how they did it in the sixties!" (Joe: "I think that edition comes with an optional Ocean Colour Scene bolt-on")

The Proclaimers Edition - Available No More

The Tony Christie Edition - Only plays one song

The Radio Forth Edition - Plays the same six songs all day

The Divinyls Edition - Plays itself"

"The Mark Ronson edition - despite your best efforts nothing you play on it sounds quite as good as the original"

"Oasis Cigarettes and Alcohol Edition - Comes with free tabs"

"The INXS version; comes complete with apple, orange and gaffer tape!"

"And no one bought the Style Council version though some people still think about it fondly. See also Big Audio Dynamite Version"

"The Travis version; Has sold millions but no one admits to buying or even liking it"

"The Roddy Frame Edition - plays 13 chords when two will do."

"The Cornershop Edition - Sitar Hero"