Monday, October 29, 2007


I spent last night agonising over how on earth I was going to get to work. I was going to walk to Rosyth and then get the train but then I realised I didn't have any money and there's no cash machine en route. I got so wound up about the whole situation that my depression got even deeper.

I came downstairs to watch Sky One's "Nothing But The Truth". Hosted by Jerry Springer, contestants are hooked up to a lie-detector and asked a tailored set of increasingly personal and risqué questions about their life. Participants must then truthfully answer a selection of these questions again in front of a studio audience, winning cash prizes along the way. Their closest friends, family and partners in the audience hearing every confession.

The first contestant last night was the double of Simon Day's Billy Bleach character from The Fast Show. I was half expecting him to say "Hold the bells, mate". He won £10000 relatively easily. Obviously it's looking for the shock value when friends and family find out something about the contestant that they didn't know but I don't know that I'll watch any more. The second contestant really annoyed me although she managed to upset her mother by confessing that she resented her mother bringing her back from China! I don't think my life will be any worse off by not watching this. (P.S. It was also rather annoying when Jerry kept lifting his glasses up everytime he needed to ask a question).

I e-mailed my supervisor last night to let her know I wouldn't be in today. My head is in such a mess. It's all over the place. I suggested that I change my hours from 8-4 to 9-5 so that I can get a lift to the train station with my wife in the morning. The other alternative is to get a job in Dunfermline but the biggest employers are Fife Council and the thought of working for them doesn't fill me with joy. I already told Steve Walker at Stagecoach that now that I'm driving I wouldn't be applying to be a bus driver. Do I look like a people person?

I've deactivated my Facebook account and deleted my Bebo and MySpace accounts. I'd been with MySpace since 27 January 2006 and while I've made some new friends through it I'm finding it a chore. I'm not enjoying it and when it gets to that stage I'd rather just walk away. I wish I could do the same with my job. I like the people I work with but it just doesn't fulfil me. Last week when I was doing the various media stuff three people said to me "oh you're wasted in here". I KNOW. But I just can't get focused enough to see a clear way out of it. It's like I have a permanent black fog hovering around me and nothing I do will lift it. Answers on a postcard...

This morning's music on my 5-CD Changer (the one that I won on "Wheel of Fortune") is:

1. Ray Davies - Working Man's Cafe (V2)
2. Various - Run Mascara: Here Come The Girls Volume 3 (Sequel)*
3. Various - Playin' Hard To Get: West Coast Girls (Ace)
4. Various - Dead: The Grim Reaper's Greatest Hits (Ace)
5. Various - Swinging Mademoiselles: Groovy French Sounds From The 60s (Silva Screen)

* I'm still looking for volumes 2, 4, 5 and 6

Thank god for music.

And coffee.

No comments: