You just know that a film is crap when the TV and media adverts use testimonials from the Daily Star and News of the World. It also seems that “snort-out-loud funny” is the new “laugh-out-loud funny” in these reviews.

I really hate that you-scratch-my-back kind of reviewing – if it’s shit, say so. There are so many films – usually featuring Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Seth Rogen and/or Will Ferrell – that I just think, “how the hell did that get made?” There’s a recession and millions of $$$ is wasted on pish.

Having moved to Dunfermline, the one thing I miss about Edinburgh is the Cameo Cinema. The Cameo Film Club membership was excellent value and you had a much more pleasant surrounding and ambience for film watching. The last film I went to see on the big screen was “Madagascar 2 – Return to Africa”, which was as a result of my parental responsibility (and cheap tickets). What struck me when awaiting the start of this sequel was that all the adverts for “Coming Soon” movies were either about cartoons, animals or cartoon animals. Any right-minded four year old would and should be insulted by the limited imagination of the filmmakers.

I couldn’t actually tell you when I was last within a picture house. It’s certainly not that there hasn’t been films I want to see because there has – Milk, Anvil, Salute, Telstar (delayed until 19 June 09) – I just haven’t got myself organised. The pfaff of trying to get through the current Edinburgh tram-induced traffic nightmare and get parked near the Cameo doesn’t help either.

Sadly the hideously over-priced Odeon in Dunfermline shows lowest common denominator films for the sort of people who go to the pictures but don’t know what they want to see. And don’t even get me started on the behaviour of some of these people. It seems that many of these morons can’t go more than two hours without eating, talking and/or texting. Give me being curled up at the end of my sofa and coffee on tap at home any day, especially as you don’t really have to wait that long now for films to be shown on telly or sold on DVD (other formats are available).

It’s being so cheery that keeps me going.