Sunday, January 06, 2008


In 12 hours it'll be back to work and it's fair to say I'm not looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to having some new music to listen to on the bus(es) and some new books too but work, nah, I'd happily give it a miss. Something has to happen this year, in terms of a new job. It's got to or I might as well throw myself off one of the 47 bridges across the Forth.

Saturday's Scotsman carried the piece about music at work. Claire Smith had phoned for an idea about some appropriate pro and anti-work songs and some of my suggestions made the article, as well as a quote from yours truly on behalf of the Jock 'n' Roll website. Perhaps these occasional contributions will lead on to something more interesting in terms of employment. Only time will tell.

The new year is only five minutes old and I've already sent off some complaint e-mails! What am I like? The first one, more of an observation than a complaint, was to DFS to point out that their recent advert, which feature an Eskimo and a penguin is the mother of all continuity errors. Why? Because Eskimos, unless lost on a Stagecoach bus service, live in the Arctic and penguins frequent the Antarctic. The penguins in Edinburgh Zoo are obviously the exception that proves the rule. I did ask them if I'd won a free sofa for pointing it out!! I've got more neck than a bag of giraffes. I'll let you know what DFS say.

I also let rip at Channel 4 about their "Fingers on Buzzers" interactive DVD game, which I mentioned recently. Not only is their television advert misleading (families are forced to huddle round the game because the wires on the buzzers are so short yet the ad gives the impression that you can sit a long way from the telly) but the reviews on Amazon are very dodgy, with a massive of positive reviews that appear to be form Channel 4 employees or PR people on behalf of them. again, I'll keep you posted on any response.

Place your bets on my first complaint to Stagecoach will be. I reckon by the end of the week.

The Dunfermline (De)Press didn't print the overflowing post boxes story, preferring instead to repeat stories form the past 12 months, so I passed it on to Kevin Keane, the Fife correspondent at BBC Online.

Today's News of the World didn't have a single competition in it!! What's that all about it? I usually buy it for contrast with the Mail and Express (both of which have plenty of crosswords) but if they're binning the comps I'll get one of those broadsheets that has 74 supplements instead.

Having driven for over three months I'd now like to list my five biggest bugbears:
1. People who don't indicate, especially at roundabouts. Are they now option extras?
2. People who peep at me after a nanosecond if I haven't moved off quick enough at the lights. Can't you see the big green P?
3. People who use their mobile phone while driving. I always wag my finger at them. Sometimes they wag a finger back!
4. Boy/girl racers and old-enough-to-know-better-racers.
5. Tailgaters. Get your full beams out of my mirror toss wanks (my friend Tracey's favourite swear when driving)

I've sent off forms for "Deal Or No Deal" and "Only Connect" so we should hear from them soon and I'm still awaiting delivery of another "Bounce Bounce Tigger" game (to give it it's correct title) and my prize for winning the Mojo crossword. I was sooo disappointed when the postie walked straight past the house on Saturday afternoon. Another thing to look forward to are our neighbours moving. They're as welcome as a trapdoor in a canoe. As soon as they go we're putting up a little wire fence around our lawn so that the new neighbours are in no doubt as to where our property ends and theirs starts.

Dave, co-founder of the Jock 'n' Roll site, sent me a list of sid Waddellisms and here are the pick of them:

· "He's got a heart as big as Moby Dick!"
· "That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
· "Bristow reasons ... Bristow quickens ... Aaahhhhh, Bristow."
· "Jocky Wilson ... what an athlete."
· "He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed."
· "When Alexander of Macedonia was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer - Bristow is only 27"
· “That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!”
· “Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter”
· “The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them”
· "Cliff is off and looking for something yellow in a tall glass - and I don’t mean daffodils."
· “It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline”
· “Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out”
· “His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch”
· “It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia.”
· “His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna.”
· “Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint.”
· “He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.”
· “He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends.”
· “That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank”
· “As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here.”
· “There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions.”
· “The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!”
· “This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.”
· “John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians”
· “There's only one word for that - magic darts!”
· “Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!”
· “I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow”
· “Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax.”
· “Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex.”
· “If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home.”
· “He's playing out of his pie crust.”
· “They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!”
· “Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength.”
· “There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers... ”
· “Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George is like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.”
· “He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league”
· “Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!”
· “The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Colosseum when the Christians were on the menu.”
· “Jocky Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!”
· “He's like d'Artagnan at the scissor factory.”
· “Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis”
· "If he had a hedgehog in his hand and aimed for bull it would probably bounce out"
· "I can't believe my geordie eyes!"
· "It's like watching a one-legged ostrich trying to lay an egg..... on a crutch!"
· "I fancy him more than a fat mouse in a cat factory".
· "It's so quiet you can hear the fat drip from a chip".
· "He might have palm trees on his shirt, but he's got a tropical draught on the tungsten".
· "He's sweating like a donkey in a sauna".

As Fred Trueman use to say on Indoor League, "I'll see thee..."

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