PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS - FACT

Friday 16 November

If I'd known we were finishing work at 1230 (due to a power outage) I could've brought the car. As it was I didn't and had to get a 53 bus to the Ferrytoll and then a D7 home, which snuck in behind a parked bus and almost drove off again without me. It's a good job I saw his reflection in the wing mirrors of the parked bus - I would NOT have been happy! The GLW had already left to take the Flickster to ballet so I had time to shower and get my quiz master clothes on. Okay, it was just my Beatles Help shirt but it's "zany" enough for a quiz night. I check the audio round for the umpteenth time and it works. I won't be able to relax until I get to the venue and make sure it all works there.

After the girls got back we all headed off to the Outlaws, where we were staying for the night. Debbie kindly agreed to babysit, little realising that the Outlaws don't have satellite telly and it was also Children in Need night! After some scrummy macaroni cheese we headed out to the venue. Joe, who kindly agreed to sign everyone in for the night, was already there when we arrived. I set the equipment up, gave it a test run and it worked perfectly. THANK GOD!

I immediately relaxed and went into hyper mode. After a brief table problem (11 teams and only 8 long tables) was sorted, we got under way. The first half was News, Numbers, Music and the first of two audio rounds. A picture round, featuring the first 21 Mr Men, was also handed out at the start and the teams had the whole of the first half to complete it and hand it in. After a half-time buffet we had Sport, Pot Luck, TV and Film and the second audio round. It seemed only right that I should plug the jocknroll website as we played 10 snatches (oo-er missus) of Jock'n'Roll hits, including Orange Juice, Hue and Cry and Belle and Sebastian's "Legal Man", which nobody got. (There were no points if you said Revillos instead of Rezillos and Clare Grogan instead of Altered Images). The first audio round had been "Back To The Old School", featuring the likes of Black Box, The Shamen and MARRS. Nobody got Eric B and Rakim's "Paid in Full" (yes, they all went for the heavily-sampled "Pump Up The Volume", which appeared five 'snatches' later) or Bomb The Bass' "Beat Dis".

The second picture round was the one I was most interested in seeing the room's reaction to. I'd gone on the company's website and downloaded the photos of ten members of staff at random and then I'd uploaded the images to the simpsonizeme.com website. The resulting images made up the picture round. The GLW was worried that no-one would get any but it turned out that every picture was correctly guessed by at least one team. As it turned out, only one person pictured in the quiz was there in person and he's pictured right.

In the end "Good Times and/or Bad Times" won the quiz by six points from "Britney's Briefs" and "Laura Hair's Team". Joe played along as The Terrahawks with Katie and the other bar staff and they managed to come in 12th...of 12!! After the quiz was done and dusted Rab the DJ, who I introduced as the "Darth Vader of the slide fader, no man on two turntables cut straighter" hit the decks. Some people left straight after the quiz but Kirsty and I proceeded to get a bit tiddly and dance the rest of the night away. As well as a Slosh, which Kirsty fucked up on twice, there was some northern soul (The Snake and There's a Ghost In My House), Black Box, Deee-Lite and pretty much whatever we asked for!

A taxi home with all the gear and we were soon listening to Debbie's tales of woe about what was on the box! No wonder she hit my father-in-laws booze!

Saturday 17 November

I don't know if it was a hangover, so much as being absolutely knackered from all the dancing but I just couldn't get out of bed.

I'd been paid for doing the quiz night by way of an HMV Gift Card and as I had to go to Toys R Us to get a Disney Princess "Prince Charming" (don't ask) I figured I might as well as spend them. I'm not a big fan of HMV as it's over priced but you can get a few bargains. The Toys R US part of the trip was straightforward but trying to spend the gift card in HMV seemed to take an age. Eventually I got something for my mother's Christmas, something for Flick (3 CD Disney box set), something for the GLW (Ryan Adams' "Easy Tiger") and a couple of things for myself. I see vouchers and gift cards etc as an ideal opportunity to get something I probably wouldn't have bought otherwise so I plumped for Kate Nash's "Made of Bricks" album and a box set from Tartan DVD of three music documentaries called "Essential Documentaries - Music". It features "The Devil and Daniel Johnston", "The Ramones - End of the Century" and "Mayor of the Sunset Strip" and I'm looking forward to watching them. I think next year (I assume they'll ask me back now that I have access to a good venue and I've done it for the last three or four years) I'll ask for a bigger fee. I think anyone who witnessed it will know how much effort was put into it and how much people enjoyed it. Maybe I need an agent to negotiate for me!!

After missing two 30 buses and then another when I couldn't find my Daysaver ticket in my pocket, I finally got a bus into Edinburgh. from there I decided to get an 8. I walked down to the Police Club, the scene of last night's triumph, and saw that the 8 wasn't due for another 19 minutes so I decided to walk to Broughton Street, where I could get a 17 too. There was only one other person at the stop so I left a space at the front of the bus stop for her, as she was wandering around, and waited patiently for the bus. Soon after a girl stood in the other ladies' space but I thought that at least she'll know I was here before her.

The bus was almost due when an elderly gentleman (and I use that phrase very loosely for reasons that will become apparent shortly) walked up to the bus stop and stood at the pavement in the space between the bus stop and the shelter. "I hope he doesn't think he's getting on before everyone else" I thought. Seconds later, the 8 comes round the corner and I make to go past the young girl. As I do she makes a comment about there being a queue and I point out to her that "I know and I was here before you". At that point I also tap the elderly man on the shoulder and tell him that's there's a queue. All hell breaks loose as he starts having a go at me and saying "tough, if you want to stand over there blah blah blah". I pointed out that I was actually in the queue in the shelter. I make no apologies for barging past him and shake my head towards the driver, who was also seems to be amused by it all.

The bus is busy so I take a seat right up the back. No sooner have I settled into my seat when the old codger is in my face having another verbal go at me. I tell him, without swearing (which is unusual for me when I'm angry), to sit down, shut up and learn some manners. He continues his barrage of abuse at me and I repeat the "sit down etc" mantra. Meanwhile a woman further up the bus starts on me, which I am flabbergasted about. She says stop the argument because she's got kids on the bus!! What the fuck has that got to do with anything? I ignore her. Then another guy to right wants to throw his tuppence worth in and proceeds to tell me that's he's just come off a night shift!! Big deal - is he the only person that's ever worked a night shift? Then he decides to shout to the driver to get me chucked off. Not once, not twice, but a number of times. I also tell him to be quiet and mind his own business. I have to say that when the bus finally gets going I am sitting in utter shock at what has just occurred. Someone tries to jump the queue ahead of a number of freezing people who have been waiting for up to 20 minutes, I defend mine and their positions and what happens I'm verbally abused by three people!! It really is a sad day when someone defending good manners and etiquette should be so unceremoniously attacked by complete morons. It is really is true, you cannot argue with idiots and these individuals were idiots. Complete fucking idiots and I make no apology for the language.

I regale the tale to the GLW and she can't believe it either. I'm just pleased I managed to remain so calm and didn't start swearing because then the driver probably would've had good cause to chuck me off. Mind you, if that had happened, night shift man would've been coming with me, whether he liked it or not. Even now I can't contain my incredulity at it all.

After a calming cup of tea the GLW drives us home while the Scotland v Italy game is on. This is deliberate as I don't know if I could have stood the tension of watching it. Even when I get home I can't catch the end because when I switch on the TV "Strictly Come Dancing" comes on and Flickster spots it straight away. No chance of seeing the game now!

After Flick goes to bed I suggest a KFC to the GLW. We've never had KFC before and I know the leisure park has one. I drive up there (any excuse), wait for my £9.99 Variety Bucket amongst some unsavoury characters (and that's just the staff) and head out of there as quickly as possible. I'm not convinced as to the VFM of the Variety Bucket but it serves it's purpose as slobby comfort food after a long night and trying day.

I see the goals from the Scotland game later on and I can't believe the decision that led to Italy's winner in injury time. A draw wouldn't have been enough for Scotland to qualify but they at least deserved it. Alex McLeish, the Scotland manager, has called for the Spanish officials to be punished for their error and no-one in Britain will disagree with that. Well done Scotland. (I reckon it'll be (or should be) between them and the Northern Ireland team for Sports Personality Team of the Year. Both have punched above their weight in the 2008 campaign and indeed the Irish still have a slim chance of qualifying, although they have to beat Spain in Spain and hope that Latvia beat Sweden).

Sunday 18 November

I busy myself today to try and contain my still simmering anger at the events of yesterday. I clean out a kitchen cupboard, put the recycling, do the dishes, fill the bins, do the crosswords and competitions whilst supping copious amounts of coffee.

After tea, I head off to Tesco to do the recycling, get some envelopes and stamps and then head off to the Dunfermline Press offices to post some comps and lastly go to the Royal Mail Sorting Office to post the other comps. I'm rather concerned that my envelopes and postcards barely make it into the box as it appears to overflowing!

When I get home I finally settle down to go through my e-mails, update the Jocknroll website and listen to Kate Nash, The Neon Tetra compilation, Sheryl Crow and the Heavy Nuggets CD that came with this month's MOJO. That reminds me, Joe gave me a CD of stuff by Jim Gipson, former lead singer of Black Nite Crash, which also featured Joe on bass. I'll give it listen this week.

It's now 2315 on Sunday and I really should be going to bed. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I'm running on empty. I'll sort my bag for work, make a sandwich for lunch and hit the hay. Goodnight fair people.

ALL THOUGHTS OF SLEEP DESERT ME

Tuesday 13 November 2007

It’s 0710 and I’m feeling a bit down. I shouldn’t be tired as I actually went to bed before 11, for a change. I watched Mastermind (taped) and then the GLW watched “America’s Next Top Model”, which I abhor. After some aimless pottering in the study I called it a night. A coffee, some porridge and an anti-depressant should kick me into life.

I got a good e-mail from my ex-colleague (I would like to think of her as a friend) Victoria, who’s shacked up in Cyprus with her Greek God Zeus*. It was such a good e-mail; full of humour and interesting stuff; that I’m waiting for the right time to reply so I can do it justice. Victoria was a joy to work with and if I had a Fantasy Office (like Fantasy Football – nae kinky stuff) she’d definitely be in the team. That makes me think about whom else I’d have in the team from all the places I’ve worked. (* I may have made his name up purely for comedic effect).

I’d have Jane, who I worked with at the prison, Gaz and Joe, who work here (well, not HERE but for this employer), Anne Marie from SSHA/Scottish Homes/Key and Karen and Veronica from the Galleries. I’ve probably worked with other great people, whose names have been lost over the years, but these are the ones I’d work with again. Of course, I’d probably be the least competent of them all but as it’s my office I’d only be there for entertainment value and to do the quizzes and organise the nights out. Dream on Paul, dream on.

I’m getting a bit nervous about the quiz night on Friday, especially because I’m using my own portable PA, which I’ve never used in public before. I’m going to test it in the house tonight and make sure, for the umpteenth time, that the audio round plays okay.

Current favourite tunes:
The Stones Roses – Mersey Paradise
Babybird – Goodnight
Field Mice – Sensitive
Chin Chin – Stop! Your Crying
Art Brut – We Formed A Band
The Barracudas – We’re Living in Violent Times
Superstar – Every Day I Fall Apart
Radiohead – The Headmaster Ritual (webcast)
The Orchids – Last Thing On My Mind
Close Lobsters – I’m Going To Heaven To See If It Rains

WORK IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

Wednesday 14 November 2007

Phil, my close neighbour and occasional bus partner, sent me this e-mail this morning:

“My morning so far:

06:05 D7 Bus turns up five minutes late. I mention to the driver that he is supposed to be at Tesco at 6:00am so that he can link in with the 6:15am X57 from Ferrytoll in to Edinburgh.

06:06 Driver looks at me and mutters. Both my wife and I are now cursed for the rest of our lives.

06:06 - 06:12 Driver drives like a banshee through Rosyth hitting every speed bump at about 30mph and the passengers of the bus are bouncing about and suffering minor brain injuries.

06:13 Back axle on the bus breaks just outside Rosyth.

06:14 Driver continues on even though the wheels on the bus are no longer going 'round and round.'

06:14 Bad smell of burning and horrible scraping and screeching noises coming from the back of the bus.

06:15 Bus eventually sheds it's mortal coil and stops.

06:16 The X57 is stuck behind the now deceased D7

06:17 My fellow passengers (including the extra from Lord of the Rings) and I run at full pelt for a couple of minutes to get to the Ferrytoll.

06:22 The X57 has had to do a U-turn and head back up the road and go via Inverkeithing in order to get to the Ferrytoll.

06:25 After successfully getting a seat that isn't next to a fat person I depart to Edinburgh on the X57.

06:45 Arrive at my desk and wonder whether it is all worth it?

07:20 News report on the radio that a bus is blocking one of the roads leading to the Ferrytoll and Forth Road Bridge.

In summary:

F**k me!”

Says it all about Stagecoach. I share his pain, while pissing myself laughing!

Last night I watched the Five programme about the Jonestown Massacre of 1978 and I found it less sensationalised than some of Five’s other factual programmes and documentaries. There were interviews with the few survivors and I found it enthralling. Less so the latest edition of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, which was a rehash/revisit of a previous show with only 10 minutes of new stuff. Very disappointing.

Went to bed feeling rather deflated. More and more I’m giving up on my dream of getting a job in a more creative environment, i.e. something in the media or broadcasting. I’m destined to rot away in a “good job” that pays a pittance and pushes me even less. Just shoot me now.

Got an e-mail from Dave, with whom I run the Jock ‘n’ Roll website, about the book idea. Since we started the site we’ve been looking a doing a book in connection with it. Dave’s been keener on the idea than I have but only because I feel there might not be a market. But I’m coming round to the idea and if we don’t try it we’ll never know where it might take us. This could well be the route to ‘where I want to go’. I’ve even come up with an idea for a companion book.

Dave’s got some free tickets for a gig by Will Hodgkinson, guitar neophyte extraordinaire (nope, I don't know what it means either). I never read any of his books but they’re now on my Christmas list and I’ve added a link to his website and Guardian column (see left). (Talking of which, I’ve added a few more links for websites, blogs and MySpaces for bands and people I like, nay, love - Hi Giselle and The Orchids).

The Orchids, who came out of retirement last year, have another Glasgow gig scheduled in for Wednesday 28th November at The Cottier Theatre. I do love them but the gig is on a Wednesday night in Glasgow, the same night Celtic play Shakatak in the Champions League. I’ll see if Dave fancies a mini ‘road trip’. The last time I was at the Cottier was to see the BMX Bandits over ten years ago. In fact, I think I was still in the Navy then. They played a fabulous pre-show tape and I wrote to them asking for a copy. That’s when I heard Annette Funicello for the first time. I then downloaded everything I could find by her, including the fabulously apposite “Tall Paul”.

The guitar has arrived at work from the SAHM. It’s a white Stagg number and has been signed by loads of Scottish bands, like Mogwai, Pop Up and The Passengers. Technically it’s a Stagg L400 LP and retails for around £150. A nice wee prize. Hell, I mean even learn how to play the thing. Or, if I don't Flick will. I get her into a Girl Gargae band yet.

Flick’s no well so I’ve left work at lunchtime amd it's home for soup, cuddles and cartoons, which actually means that we’ll both be asleep on the settee twenty minutes into "101 Dalmatians" and definitely by the time the GLW comes home!

Saturday 10 November 2007

I forgot to mention that a non-league team called Ware (probably from the Jewsons Timber Division 4 South B league) were at home to Kidderminster in the FA Cup. Ware lost 2-0 and had a man sent off. His name was Danny Wolf. So he was the first Ware Wolf to play in the FA Cup!! He doesn't look very hairy for a werewolf!!

The GLW suggested we have a takeaway but instead of phoning I drove to the restaurant myself. The one I thought I was going to had shut down but luckily there was another open nearby. Although I have to say I couldn’t get out of the area quick enough. Too many kids loitering about asking people to buy them drink from Haddows, the only other shop open in the area. Head down, straight into the car and off I went. (Just for the record, I had Szechuan King Prawn and the GLW had Lemon Chicken, which came with a lot of pineapple for some reason).

Turned out there was nothing to watch on our hundred or so channels so we decided to continue our A-Z of our DVDs. Back in May we decided that because we have lots of DVDs that we’ve never watched we would start at A and work our way through the alphabet. The plan was to watch the DVD on a Saturday night, as the TV is generally rubbish. Unfortunately, after the first weekend, when we watched the excellent “Almost Famous”, we’ve just never had a chance to watch the next one, until Saturday that is.

The GLW had seen “Amelie” but I hadn’t and I was looking forward to it. Unfortunately, after a tiring week at work we only lasted 45 minutes before we started nodding off. So we have part 2 to watch, no doubt sometime in February 2008. We should get to Z by the time we’re collecting our pensions and DVDs have become already become extinct.

Sunday 11 November 2007

I woke up feeling as knackered as when I went to bed. We had no milk for breakfast
So I drove to a local shop, instead of Tesco. I’ve been doing this more and more.

After brekkie and a shower, I went off to Tesco for a full shop. I walked in during the two minute’ silence, which I’d completely forgotten about. At first I thought I’d walked into Westworld and was waiting for Yul Brynner to appear. After a quick zip round, well as fast as the multitude of ditherers would allow, I bumped into an old neighbour in the car park. When I say “old neighbour”, of course I mean that he used to live near us and not that he was elderly! After exchanging chitchat about family, houses and buses we went our separate ways. It’s a good job too because it was really cold and I was only wearing a rather natty, if I do say so myself, Postcard Records t-shirt.

It was off home for a light lunch then off to Flick’s nursery to get some photos done. Once a year they get a professional photographer in and they make good presents for relatives. Flick was an absolute star and “performed” well although she seemed quite non-plussed about the whole thing.

Then it was back out again to Tesco to drop off the recycling, get some petrol and put the car through the car wash. Now, filling up with petrol and using a car wash are two of the things they don’t teach you when you’re learning to drive and I wish Ron had. The petrol station was really busy and the only one available was on the “wrong side”. One attempt to stretch the nozzle over the car failed so I had to put it back, and try and manoeuvre the car into a better position. I did it but only just. I must have looked a right idiot. I actually managed to get bang on £20. I paid for the petrol, got my code for the car wash and drove into it. Only I get going too far forward or too far back and when I did get it right I got worried because the whole started moving and I thought I’d left the handbrake off. At least I remembered to close the window!

During a late lunch/early dinner Flick commented that she was “full up to her head”! Kids do indeed say the funniest things.

Then I headed off to the study to do the competitions and crosswords. I thought I’d check the tape for the audio round and was horrified to find it blank!! To cut a long frustrating story short I had to burn the Audio Rounds off I-Tunes, where I’d thankfully saved them, and then tape them on to cassette. I also added another intro track. As well as The Quik’s “Bert’s Apple Crumble”, my intro of choice on my hospital show, I’ve added “Answers” by The Questions, a Scottish band from the 80s. Panic over and I calmed my nerves with an intake of caffeine.

I hunted on the net for news of Daryl Peach’s match at the World Pool Championship and was rather disappointed that the BBC website had no news of it. It was only when I went on to the tournament’s official site that I found that Daryl had won 17-15. He’d beaten three local players on the way to the title. He probably won’t merit a mention on the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year awards but I for one appreciate his victory, the first by a Briton.

What a busy day.

Monday 12 November 2007

I had to scrape some ice off the back window this morning, something else I hadn’t done since passing my test. I even had time to drop off a couple of competition entries at the Dunfermline Press before heading off to work. This week’s listening choice is “The Complete Stone Roses”.

Flick has taken to singing The Proclaimers’ “500 Miles”, which is so cute. She’s getting quite a repertoire, what with her already doing “The Time Warp” (dance included) and some Christmas tunes. Before you know it, she’ll be on tour!

A reasonably busy day at work. Three more idiots on The Word Is Out. Are we bitter because we didn't get through? You bet your life we are.

I got a couple of interesting phone calls mid-afternoon. Firstly, I got a call from a lady (I didn't catch her name) from the SAMH (Scottish Association for Mental Health) informing me that I'd won a signed guitar in a competition. I vaguely remember the competition because I don't normally do text competitions because they're too expensive but as this was a worthy cause, and one close to my heart, I entered. I don't recall what the question/answer was but I won and that's the main thing!! They're going to courier it over to me at work so I can take it home in the car. Of course, I've not idea how to play the thing but hey, I'll just potter about on it.

Not long after that I got a call from Michelle at "Brainbox", the quiz show I'd auditioned for in Glasgow recently. She just wanted to confirm a couple of things about shows I'd been on before. Like most serial applicants I'd omitted some shows from my form and I thought she might've been on to me (It's not as if I'm a serial winner. I've only won one "big" prize and £2000 wasn't exactly a fortune then, let alone now) but she only wanted to check what month I was on "Countdown" and "Sudo-Q" last year. She said she'd be in touch. I hope so.

Only one stall on the drive home today and it wasn't until I was over the bridge whizzing along the motorway when I saw someone flashing me (not that way) in the rear view mirror. I'd only forgotten to put my lights on. What a fanny! I thank him and then again when he overtook me later.

Randomness:

Are the GLW and I the only people who don’t find The Mighty Boosch funny?
How do you decide you want to become a pole-vaulter?
What is 'occasional furniture' the rest of the time?

ON THE BUSES: DAY 5 - HOBSON'S CHOICE

Passengers on the WMESB/Driver Knowledge: 2 (The driver, who used to work on the Yellow Taxibuses, asked us which way to go!)
Queue jumpers: 0 (Bizarrely, the Ferrytoll was rather empty and I was the queue)
Journey Home: Not Applicable - off out 'on the town' tonight.
Media Mentions: 1 (My colleague Nikki managed to get through to "The Word Is Out" on Forth One but her answer, "Basic", was wrong. If it's not won by the time it gets to £5000 they're gonna make an announcement. I managed to get on "Beat It" again but my guess, actually Julie's idea, was wrong).

It was back to the bus today and I didn’t mind it too much because I could have an extra 20 minutes in my bed and I would get to work at least an hour later than I had been. The bus doesn’t seem so bad when I don’t have to use it all the time. Having the car has been a godsend, although the early mornings are taking its toll.

The painting of double yellow lines and dashed boxes continues on Fettes Avenue and Carrington Road as Edinburgh Council continues to squeeze the number of free car parking spaces. They were supposedly going to change the way cars parked on Carrington Road so as to get more spaces but that hasn’t happened. We had hoped that the free parking area in two thirds of Fettes Avenue would be 'bayed' off but alas they’ve just made one big box in each part of the road. We thought that if proper bays were put in then more cars could be fitted in because some of the parking, which I can see from my window, is shocking. However, the Council wouldn’t want that because it would be less likely that drivers would use their Pay and Display bays. Why they need Pay and Display in a non-residential area is beyond me. It’s nothing but a moneymaking exercise. Parking charges in local hospitals have been a topic of discussion since they were brought in and this blogger thinks it’s disgusting that emergency services staff has to pay to park at their place of work.

Lothian and Borders Police have been in the new themselves this week as this link to “Anger as police complaint becomes net hit” shows: http://news.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=1775082007 A colleague forwarded the much-discussed e-mail to me and I forwarded it to the GLW. Why? Because the language used is funny. That’s not to play down the issues raised or the seriousness of the complaints. As someone who had a similar problem when I lived in Leith I have a lot of sympathy with the original complainer. I don’t know that I would complain with quite the same language (as tempting as it is I don’t feel that it achieves anything) but I feel for the complainer’s frustration at the apparent disregard for his concerns. What has become apparent is that his e-mail and the ensuing publicity has brought the issues to the world’s attention and you can be sure that action will be taken in the area.

As to the issue of how the e-mail got into public domain, I think it’s no different to any other viral e-mail that contains a joke, or cartoon, or amusing story. Thanks to the information super dual carriageway, these e-mails spread quicker and it really is no surprise, having read the e-mail in question, that this one has spread so fast.

Some of the many comments (they stopped comments after 199) on The Scotsman’s version of the story are obviously from police staff and they make valid points about the Force Communication Centre and the dissemination of police officers. They have too much red tape and paperwork to get through and this negates any efforts to be where people want them to be and that is on the streets.

The complainer will have got an unexpected response to his e-mail (worldwide publicity – it even made the Scottish news) and I would hope that common sense would prevail and that no member of police staff is disciplined over the distribution. I believe this would only occur if the e-mail writer made an official complaint.

HOBSON'S CHOICE

The GLW and I engaged in a very cultural pursuit on Friday night and went to the theatre. If ever a man was born to play Henry Hobson in "Hobson's Choice" it was John Savident. John is most famous, I say, most famous for his role as Lancastrian butcher Fred Elliott in the nation's favourite soap Coronation Street. His booming voice and larger-than-life persona filled the auditorium at the King's Theatre without suffocating the rest of the cast, who were excellent. I must give a special mention to Dylan Charles, who I thought was superb as Will Mossop.

As to the venue itself, I've never liked the seats there and tonight was no exception. Kirsty had got us seats at the side, right by the exit, so I could stretch my pins but I just couldn't settle in seats that would've tested the hardiest of bottoms. I don't know if there's any insect problem there but I found myself scratching a lot (even now, as I think about it). But it was just good to get out and about in Edinburgh on a bustling Friday night. Our move to Dunfermline was borne out of financial necessity and a falling out of love with the capital but on nights like this I really miss Edinburgh. I especially miss the Cameo Cinema, which is just across the road from the King's. The only cinema in Dunfermline is one of those multiplex cinemas that is more interested in downmarket Hollywood cack that usually stars Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan or Adam Sandler. No chance of seeing "Sicko" or "Control" in Dunfermline, I'm afraid.

Every trip into Edinburgh for a night out is planned like a military operation and almost always involves a babysitter. We were determined to enjoy "Hobson's Choice" although we could have easily fallen asleep through the whole play such was our mental state after a long week. The GLW's parents, my outlaws, are off to see it tonight. They'll love it as much as we did. Next morning, the GLW, The Flickster and Granny headed off to see The Gruffalo's Child and I went drove home.

A PEACH OF A MATCH

When I got home I was all set to have a shower and get on with some "stuff" (boys are good at doing "stuff") when I made the fatal error of switching the television on. I love pool and the 2007 World Championships (held in Manila) were on and there were two Englishmen in the last eight.

When I tuned in Blackpool's Daryl Peach was up against local favourite Francisco Bustamante in his quarter-final and was leading 9-8, however the momentum was with the Filipino and in this winner-breaks-off format he was looking good for the victory. However, the match changed completely thanks to a rather controversial incident in the 20th frame, after Francisco had taken a 10-9 lead.

Bustamante was at the table when he found himself snookered. He played a kick shot off the cushion in an attempt to hit the 3-ball. He appeared to have struck lucky by playing the 3 and hitting the 9 into the top right hand pocket, thereby "winning" the frame and match. However, referee Nigel Rees thought it was a foul and brought the celebrations to a halt, much to the bemusement of the local and very partisan crowd. Numerous replays, including a decisive overhead shot, showed that the Filipino had indeed struck the 9-ball first and the "foul" call was the correct one. Peach asked for a break to compose himself and then Bustamante asked to see the Tournament Director who agreed with the referee's decision.

Bustamante, who'd been tetchy throughout the match could do nothing as Peach, under tremendous pressure, cleared the table to bring the match all-square at 10-10 and then held his nerve through the chaos to pot a difficult 9 in the last to win the match 11-10. The locals weren't happy as they booed the outcome and neither was Bustamante who barely shook hands with the victor. Peach went on to win his semi and faces Filipino qualifier Roberto Gomez in tomorrow morning's final.

After the tension of that controversial pool match, I swapped channels and sports as I taped the Joe Calzaghe fight for the GLW (we have to watch the channel we're taping because we don't have a hard drive or Sky+). Although the fight was last week, it was only shown on Setanta and the BBC were able to show the whole 12 round fight again. Calzaghe was always in control as he unified every belt in the 12st Super Middleweight Division. Well done Joe.

By the time the pool and boxing were over I had achieved nothing. I popped out to get a couple of newspapers, including the Daily Record, which I was only buying because it had a free CD featuring up and coming Scottish bands. The CD featured tracks by The Green Peppers (new band of ex-Soup Dragon and Superstar guitarist Jim McCulloch), Our Lunar Activities, Joe Kennedy, The Goldenhour, The Ronelles, Daniel Wylie, The River Detectives (yes, they're still going), The Fast Camels, Ally Kerr and Water School. The Green Peppers actually feature twice with guest appearances from Del Amitri's Justin Curie and Isobel Campbell, an established solo artist following her departure from Belle and Sebastian. The CD is to promote the rather wonderful Neon Tetra Records, home to some of the finest independent artists in Scotland. There's a couple of these artists that I don't have on the Jock 'n' Roll site so I'll need to add them and give the CD a mention and links to the bands.artists websites and/or MySpaces.

I picked up Flick and the GLW from Dalgety Bay station, just as close as Dunfermline Town, and brought them home. I then took the decision to cut the grass out the back. It hadn't been done for a couple of weeks due to the weather (the drainage is poor in the back garden and it needs a sustained period of good weather to dry the grass before cutting) and I was determined it would be neat and tidy before winter appeared. A job well done although the lawn will need some work on it next year as it's a bit patchy and even muddy in places. It's not too bad, compared with each of my neighbours whose had their grass savaged by big trampolines, but I'd like it better. Check me out, Alan Titchmarsh!

I got my second Media Mention of the week as my e-mail to the Fife Herald and Post, amongst others, featured heavily in another story about our bus problems. The article, entitled "Bus timetable changes remain controversial" includes the usual quotes from Stagecoach plus Fife Councillors Tony Martin (Lib Dem) and Mike Rumney (Labour). These are two of the four councillors who cover my Ward and not surprisingly they have differing views. Mr Martin has, in previous correspondence with me, come across as a Stagecoach apologist and as he's the head of the Transport Committee that's not a good thing for the Eastern Expansion. Because Mr Rumney is on the minority in the Council he's obviously taking on the role of the "good guy". It was certainly a different story when he was in the majority but I'll let that pass for now.

Right, I have a small child to bath and stories to tell. I suspect it'll be The Gruffalo's Child tonight, so sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.

THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

I was reading my friend Miss Jane’s Blog last night and it got me to thinking. She uses pseudonyms for people she’s talking about, such as The Two Witches, PJ (that’s me!) and intriguingly Hot Guy (I had my fingers crossed but alas twas not to be) and it’s something I don’t do enough of. I guess that’s mainly because the people I’m talking about I would tell them to their face what I would say in writing and I’m not sure that I’ve ever been libellous…well, not that libellous

So what names would I use or have I used in my various incarnations on MySpace, Bebo, Facebook and Blogspot?

The Dog Walking Family – A family who live in my area who constantly walk their dogs and they always seem to do it as a family,
Mrs Brady Old Lady – A neighbour who I’ve never really spoken to and I’m sure is very nice but she has a cauliflower hairdo and therefore looks like “an old lady”,
Mr and Mrs Fitness – He cycles, runs and walks everywhere and she is called Mrs Fitness purely by marriage,
The Ditherer – She gets on the bus at Rosyth or the Ferrytoll and spends an age just picking her seat and sorting out her ticket and her bag,
Fat Woman – Gets on the bus at Ferrytoll and stinks to high heaven, also spends the journey wittering a load of pish to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be sat beside her,
Squealy Child – A neighbour’s whiny child who has one of those annoying squeaky, precocious child actor type voices,
Fanny – A funny colleague who says “Fanny” a lot,
Lazy Holiday Woman – An ex-colleague who was either just about to go on holiday or had just been on holiday and that was all she talked about, EVER,
Baw Bag – Someone I know who is into extreme sports, which I find pointless. He always seems to rub me up the wrong way,
Chubster – A fat local kid who keeps picking up stones off neighbours’ property and littering the street with them. He also tried to set light to our street sign,
Gobby Chubster – A gobby little girl who may be related to Chubster. A sight to behold in her tight pink top, like an over-stuffed sausage,
The C*nt – Someone who screwed me over for a job even though I scored the highest at interview (I make no apology for use of the C word as even that isn’t strong enough to describe this man),
Control Freak – An ex-supervisor who was also a bit of a bully.
GLW – The Good Lady Wife, self-explanatory
Flickster – My daughter
Spiv – A particular Fife councillor
Slowcoach – Stagecoach Buses
Scarlet Harlot – Also known as Miss Jane, who is young, free and simple again

I’ll make up others as and when I need them.

WE ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED

I caught one of those period dramas at the weekend (“A Room With A View”) and it seems to me that in those days you just have to speak to someone of the opposite sex and before you know it you were “engaged to be married”. The age of such innocence, and downright stupidity, is long gone.

On Monday I received an Armed Forces Veterans’ Badge. I found out , via my work’s Intranet page, that men and women who served in HM Armed Forces before and/or during World War II were entitled to a Veterans Badge. Men and Women who enlisted in HM Armed Forces between 3 September 1945 and 31 December 1994 are entitled to a Veterans Badge. There is no qualifying length of Service. So I sent off for details and got it through in a couple of weeks. I don’t exactly feel like a “veteran” but if I’m entitled to it then I want it. At least it’s free, unlike the Jubilee medal I had to pay £30 for. (I’d put up a picture of the medals but our digital camera is goosed. I’ll see if I can get photos of them off the web!)

Driving to work over the last couple of days (boy, am I loving the independence that that brings) I’ve had The Barracudas as my cool driving soundtrack. When I’ve not been giving lifts I’ve had the volume up and been singing along in a voice a cat’s choir would be ashamed of. Why, oh, why didn’t I learn to drive earlier? My life would be totally different if I had.

At last, I’ve received a lengthy reply to my admittedly equally lengthy letter to Life Property Management, the company responsible for the ground maintenance. Whilst some of the answers are fairly predictable three of the answers have really angered me.

I asked:

“1. Why are we being charged for legal costs for the recovery of debts from open and closed cases that have absolutely nothing to do with us?2. Why are we being charged for "Irrecoverable service charges", which, again, have nothing to do with us?3. What constitutes "Management Fees"? And how is our £15 share calculated? "

The replies were:

“1. As per the development deed of conditions, which all residents discussed with their solicitors when purchasing the properties, when the property manager is pursuing debtors the initial outlay in legal costs is charged to the development, once recovery is successful the legal costs/expenses are paid back to the development.
2. When we sue for recovery and the debtor is either made bankrupt by us or are bankrupt when we get to them, the development deed of conditions confirms the debt is split among all other residents on the site. This is a fact that your solicitor will confirm for you.
3. Management Fees is our fee for managing the development and is charged at £30+vat per annum. As we invoice every 6 months your fee will be half £15+vat. Like invoicing the development fund for landscaping etc we invoice for our fee. Our fee includes admin costs, accounting costs, estate management costs which includes fuel etc monthly and like any business an element of profit.”

So if my neighbour doesn’t pay their charges I have to stump up for them, as well as the legal charges to recover those costs!! Unbelievable. I’ve taken steps to find out the legality of this.

Here are my nominations for Sports Personality of the Year; who I want to win and who I think will win:

MAIN AWARD: Want: Ricky Hatton; Think: Lewis Hamilton
TEAM AWARD: Want: Scotland football team; Think: England Rugby Team
OVERSEAS AWARD: Want: Roger Federer; Think Roger Federer
SYCOPHANTS AWARD: Shoe-In: Sue “Gushy” Barker

I am sick to the back teeth of successive British governments trying to ram the idea that “breast is best” down people’s throats (no pun intended) when it comes to feeding babies. Tesco, Boots et al are not allowed to be seen to be promoting formula milk by giving Club Card/Advantage points when customers purchase it, effectively classing it alongside cigarettes and lottery tickets. Hello! Not every woman can breast feed. And for those who can’t, formula milk is a much-needed lifeline.

Still not feeling 100%. Was getting a bit tired today and as a result a bit depressed. I managed to keep it myself though. I've been "up" for most of the week and I'm keeping up the facade.

DRIVING IN MY CAR

Woohoo! I only have to get the bus to work once this week and the same next week. The Good Lady Wife is working late so I’ll be on the late afternoon/evening nursery run and it makes more sense for me to have the wheels.

I left the house at 0600 and arrived at work at 0628 to find loads of spaces. The road outside my place of work has a wide road and they’re bringing in pay and display parking and the rest will be free. Over the next few days Edinburgh Council is adding lines on each side of the road and spaces will be at a premium. Can’t see it being a problem with the times I’ve been getting in.

I killed some time by posting my weekend competitions and crosswords in the nearest post box and going to the bank for some money. One cash point machine was empty and at the other one a gentleman had all his paperwork from his wallet spread out all over the machine! He was just asking to be robbed! After a wait, I politely inquired whether he was finished or not. He mumbled something and moved his “stuff” over to the other machine. “Damn, this machine’s empty too”, I moaned. “Oh, I must have got the last of it”, piped up the wizened old man. I was the one now mumbling as I left.

The bus fight goes on as I replied to Councillor Martin’s e-mail that arrived on Friday (the quotes from his previous e-mail are in italics):

“"It's is (sic) interesting you do not use the bus coming back."

My decision not to get a Stagecoach bus home is a conscious and very deliberate one. I would now rather pay (more) money to First Scotrail than get a Stagecoach bus. Where humanly possible I will avoid using Stagecoach.

"We can bring in the new early bus by telling the Commissioners this was as a result of a community meeting and the Council will support the need for the bus although it is not costing the Council."

What is the point in having a process for revising services, involving Fife Council and the Traffic Commissioner, albeit one that involves no consultation with the public, if you can just ride roughshod over it by citing a "community meeting" as a reason for adding an extra bus. It makes a mockery of the whole system. If it's that easy then get our direct bus back because that was also discussed at length at the same meeting.

"You over simplify the relationship between the Council and Stagecoach"

I'm not sure that I do. A succession of Fife Councils have allowed Stagecoach to 'take over' Fife and certainly not to the benefit of passengers. As other companies were squeezed out of Fife, the fares went up and up and up. The methods used by Stagecoach to take over the bus routes of Fife are well documented and it has got to the point where it is probably too late for Fife Council to do anything about it, even if they wanted to. Stagecoach, in my humble opinion, has Fife Council over a barrel. (Those last two sentences could just as easily apply to Tesco too).

People are put off using buses because the timetables are changed so frequently; bus routes are revised/removed with no consultation or proper marketing and the addition of 29 new buses on the roads flies in the face of the council's green credentials. I can understand why people further afield than the DEX might be happy to get a bus to the Ferrytoll to change buses but the DEX is too close and an on-off-on-off bus journey from the DEX to the capital is needless. There was nothing wrong with the direct service we had and all the party lines spouted by Stagecoach and individuals on Fife Council amount to nothing more than management/business speak waffle.

It would've been interesting to see what you'd have done had this issue arisen closer to an election. Your party's claims (in one of your post-election leaflets) that you helped bring buses to the DEX is the greatest work of wishful thinking since Neville Chamberlain said the 1938 Munich Agreement would guarantee "peace in our time".“

I was particularly pleased with that last paragraph. As usual, I copied it to the local press, friends, family, councillors, MSPs and MPs.

Sunday was a busy day. After dropping off the ladies at church (I go to church religiously, every Christmas Eve) I bought the papers and popped back to the house for an assault on the comps and crosswords. After collecting the girls from church, I dropped them off at home, filled up the boot with rubbish from the garage and headed off to the big Recycling Centre.

I always pains me to throw out old audio equipment, especially the stuff I regard as “family”, the stuff I've had for years that I know every nook and cranny of. I don’t know if there is actually any of my old tried and trusted separates left now. I now have the new Tape2PC twin tape deck and an amplifier/receiver as well as the 5-CD changer I won on Wheel of Fortune many moons ago, although this may well go into the garage too if I can find a CD Player or CD Recorder that’s reasonably cheap (Richer Sounds is always a good shout).

The garage is definitely my next project. I want to gut the whole thing out and start again. I’ve got a dartboard and cabinet that I’ve had since May and I’m desperate to get them up. I’m not too good with drills so I’ll probably enlist some help. I’ll need an oche too. At the moment the garage has the usual DIY stuff plus a mountain of board games, baby stuff, quiz books, bootleg tapes and a variety of mystery bags and boxes full of god-knows-what. A trip to IKEA may be on the cards after Christmas.

Although I support Hibs, I find it difficult to watch them on telly; the stress is too much, so the family and I trotted off to Homebase, Asda and Focus while the game was on. We got some more Christmas presents bought, some new plants for the garden and a reindeer nose for our daughter that looked more like some sort of festive gimp mask.

I pick up Flick from nursery and then drop my friend and colleague Louise off at her boyfriend’s. The curse of Louise strikes again as I stall three times on the way home!

I come home to find an e-mail from my MP Willie Rennie:

"Jim Tolson and I had a constructive meeting with Stagecoach on Friday.
We expressed our concern at the change and ask for an explanation.

They said that as there had been very few customers from Duloch Park using the service and that there had actually been a reduction in the number of customers using the service from other areas because of the detour. They agreed to supply us with actual figures on this. They said that the D7 and direct D7 services would provide fast access to Ferrytoll from where there is a greater selection and frequency of services. They also said that as the number of servcies (sic) to Edinburgh had been increased from Ferrytoll there will be sufficient capacity so that customers from Duloch Park should not have to stand, as was feared may be the case.

They explained in detail the reasons for the change in the timetable and that all councillors had been consulted on the revision some time ago and no objections had been raised then.

I would be grateful if you could let me have your comments on these points.

Regards
Willie"

The letter raises a number of points. Firstly, I would dispute that "very few customers" were using the rerouted X57. At no point have Stagecoach said that the reroute was not "commercially viable", the first phrase they usually churn out when "revising" services. Secondly, I don't understand his point about standing. Finally, how can councillors who don't use public transport (a) comment on it and (b) make a decision without consulting constituents? I shall be asking him these questions tomorrow.

It makes my blood boil...

Coming soon: Why I'm a Veteran, Why Breast Isn't Always Best and Why O Why O Spells Yoyo

F-F-F-FRUSTRATION

Today was International Ditherers' Day at Tesco as I struggled round the aisles whilst trying to get just a few paltry items. My primary reason for going was actually to get a Dunfermline Press (or the Depress as I prefer to call it) but I ended up with a list, although I did stick to it so as not to give Mr tesco anymore money than was absolutely necessary. Remarkably they didn't have a Press; who'd have thought it was so popular. After getting some stamps (for competitions; all my complaints/corrections tend to go by e-mail) and three Lucky Dips for tonight's Lotto (we only buy tickets for the rollovers), I headed off in search of a Press elsewhere.

A quick trip to the wee shop off Mackay Drive proved fruitless. I say fruitless, they had fruit, I just didn't want any. I ended going to Abbeyview (some cruel locals prefix it with a "Sc") and I eventually got my weekly dose of abject misery and non-stories. Having had a quick look at the paper online I knew I was quoted in the article on the bus issue but I had hoped my letter would've made the letters page too. Sadly not.

There were five, yes, five letters about the bridge/tunnel argument, two about Dunfermline FC (they lost again today, 4-0 at home), and one each about conservation, the Reform Treaty, waste disposal and a letter from our MP Willie Rennie trying to contact a constituent who'd failed to leave their name when they contacted him for help.

Although the piece about the buses was quite big, I was surprised and a little disappointed that none of the "number of complaints received by the Dunfermline Press" didn't actually make it to the letters page. There's a decent main piece ("Bus Changes Row Goes To Holyrood") but no letters. In fact I can't recall seeing any letters on the subject over the past few weeks. Maybe I'm the only one whose actually written anything and as the Press aren't my biggest fans it's not surprising I didn't make the final cut.

Mind you, it's hardly surprising that the bus story only made page seven when there's a cracking story on the front page. The title "Board approved lap-dancing club without knowing it" says it all although I can't help thinking a junior reporter at The Sun could've done something more "interesting" with the headline. Answers on a postcard... Credit where credits due though as the Press did "break" a great story in March this year entitled "Gone With The Wind" and, yes, they guy pictured does look like that in real life. Or maybe he just pulls that face when he's "dropping his handbag"!

Talking of Willie Rennie MP, which we were a number of sentences ago, I got an acknowledgement letter from him today: "Thank you for your e-mail regarding the change in the route of the X57 service. I have received a number of complaints about this and am due to meet Stagecoach in the near future to discuss it. I will let you know the outcome of the meeting." I won't hold my breath for anything to change. Stagecoach and Fife Council are thick as thieves and nothing we, the passengers/council tax payers, say will make any difference.

Tried using the Tape2PC today but I can't help thinking I must be rather stupid. There's seems to be a crackling noise coming from the computer speakers when I use the EZ Tape Converter MixMeister software. Also, I taped two audio rounds for the quiz night I'm doing in a couple of weeks but when I went to play them on iTunes, which you have to download to make use of the tapes you convert to mp3, the tracks wouldn't play. I must be doing something wrong and I've no idea what. (Update: I've just tried it and it's worked!)

A wee "hi" to Andrew Collins and Sky Clearwater (I doubt it's his real name but in these times of Chardonnays, Britneys and Sharondas who am I to question it) for their Comments on my blog during my first week here. It's much appreciated and makes it all worthwhile.

I was about to say how much I hate this time of the year. Okay, not so much the months of November but the BLOODY FIREWORKS that seem to go on forever. I hate the noise and I just think they're soooooo boring. When you've seen one firework, you've seen 'em all. And just to add insult to injury, one of my neighbours has just started letting some off, no doubt "for the kids", or kid in their case and a nippy, screeching one at that. 10pm at night and they decide to start letting fireworks off - it's been dark since about 6pm, what was wrong with doing them earlier so that all the local kids could see and hear them and not when they should all be in their bed. What annoys me even more is that the parents concerned are both ex-cops and should know better.

Am I the only person in the world who goes through his Windows Media player/iTunes/default music player of choice and ensure that all the titles are spelt correclty, that all the titles are in Upper Case and the duplicates are weeded out? Thought not. Whilst spring cleaning my iTunes I found some crackin' northern soul tracks and that's just the titles. How about "Everybody's Going To A Love-In", "(I'm Not) Destined To Become A Loser" and my favourite "Your Love Hit Me Like TNT".

On that bombshell...

ON THE BUSES - DAY 4: DIE, QUEUE JUMPER, DIE!

World's Most Expensive Shuttle Bus: 2 passengers (Just me and another woman I haven't seen before. That's 2 a day for the last 4 days. According to Councillor Tony Martin, use of the D7 has gone up 10% in the last 6 months. At this rate, the average will be 2.2 passengers by April 2008. You'll be able to spot the new passenger because he'll be only be one foot tall!)
Driver Knowledge: N/A
Ferrytoll Incidents: 0 (The roads were clear)
Queue Jumpers: 2 (Well, they tried anyway but I was having none of it. Two people saw a queue leaving the Park and Ride and joined it, only to realise it wasn't the bus they wanted. Did they then join the main queue? Did they hell. They did that furtive loitering that queue jumpers do so well . Only I wasn't having it. As soon as the X57 came into view I was off like a racing snake. I walked straight past them and made sure I was first on. After all I had been at the front of the queue. I was waiting for either of them to say something - they'd have got both barrels - but they didn't. The fight that never was played out in my mind for the rest of the journey).
Journey Home: Bus to West End, walk to station (during which I saw six cyclists go through red lights), train from Haymarket (busy but I got a table seat although anyone over six feet tall would struggle to be comfortable) and a lift home from K.
Media Mentions: Nil (The whole office tried to get on The Word Is Out on Forth One but we failed. Grant Stott only picks three callers and that's it. The prize is now £4200 on Monday).

I received another e-mail from the Fife councillor Tony Martin, who is head of the transportation committee, and it was as pitifully sycophantic as the previous one. Piss off, I didn't vote for you and I never will. He sounds more and more of a Stagecoach apologist every e-mail. And he doesn't know what a paragraph is.

Isn't irony a wonderful thing? Today I e-mailed Steve Walker, the Stagecoach equivalent of Martin Bormann and the man I've having my bus battles with lately, on a non-bus related matter. Life Property Management, the "factors" of our respective areas are, as mentioned yesterday, wishing to hold a meeting for local residents. Steve lives a couple of streets away so I asked if he'd be going to the meeting and if I could copy him into correspondence I was sending to LPM. Sure, he says. I suggested to LPM that it would be preferable if they replied to my letter of two weeks BEFORE the meeting. I've also copied in Mike Rumney, the Labour councillor for my Ward (Ward 4 has four councillors; two Lib Dem, including Mr Martin, one SNP and Mr Rumney) and the Dunfermline Press.

Kirsty's team were joint winners of the quiz last night so I let her in the house. Actually I had no choice as I was dead to the world by the time she staggered in, having completed all but three of the clues of the Mojo crossword. which is good going for me.

Mark, my Sudo-Q partner, is looking for some people to put together a team for "The Kids Are Alright", a new Saturday megamoney quiz from the BBC. It seems that it's put together by a Glasgow production team so travelling to an audition wouldn't be a problem. I've asked "hels bels" from the Quizzing forums for a copy of the form, which apparently resembles War and Peace. Can't be any worse than the form for "Nothing But The Truth" which wanted a picture of every orifice. Okay, I made that up but I felt dirty and violated just reading it.


I've not had a chance to try out my new Tape2PC digitizer yet. That's not strictly true as I did have a wee go on it but it was late and I was knackered. I've set tomorrow aside to finish doing the quiz for Kirsty's work but once that's done I get into full digitizing mode. I can't wait to have an mp3 player full of stuff I could only previously hear on tape. One Thousand Violins Peel Session anyone?

ON THE BUSES - DAY 3: STAGECOACH TESCOVILLE

World's most expensive shuttle bus: 2 passengers (Just me and a woman I like to call "The Ditherer" because she always take so long to get herself sorted out when she gets on a busy bus)
Driver knowledge: Not Applicable (Then again the only contact I had was to show my ticket and he only has to pretend to look at it!)
Ferrytoll Incidents: 1 (D7 couldn't even get into the Ferrytoll for all the cars which come off the motorway only to pass the Ferrytoll and go straight back on to the motorway in a pathetic attempt to save a nanosecond or two).
Queue Jumpers: 0
Journey Home: Bus to West End, walk to station, train from Haymarket (Hot and crowded but I got a seat - sweated like Michelle McManus in Greggs), walk through the park and car from pre-school (complete with adorable small child, sorry, complete with "big pre-school girl" as she keeps telling us)
Media mentions: 1 ( A quote in the Dunfermline Press about the buses apparently but I haven't seen it yet. I also wrote a letter so that may well feature too)

For the last two days I've been very hyper at work and I can only put it down to my anti-depressants. I've tried to temper my new found enthusiasm for life but I can't seem to get any control over it. Still, it beats the recent depths of despair so I mustn't grumble. I can't seem to find that happy "normal" medium in between the two.

I sent an e-mail to a few people about my divorce from MySpace, Bebo and Facebook and I got replies from Andrew Collins and Mark Gardiner (no, not the guy from Ride). Mark and I appeared on "Sudo-Q" with Eamonn Holmes last year and we're always looking for another opportunity to do another show together. Mark has plenty of mates who want to go on shows with him but they all chicken out at the form-filling-in stage. We were second on "Sudo-Q" but we didn't disgrace ourselves. The funniest moment when we were at the recording was that we were allowed to spend up to £10 on food the night before but the nearest eatery was a fish and chip shop. That didn't stop Mark from trying to spend all £10 in one go! Needless to say, he didn't finish it all.

Andrew Collins, notwithstanding his work on television and radio and in the printed media, is no stranger to the game show himself, having appeared on Telly Addicts with his family, called The Collins funnily enough. And he's officially the nicest guy in the media. He's always got time for a couple of lines to say hello or answer a question. And because he does that he doesn't get pestered, well, not by me anyway. He cares. About things, people (well, most of them) and animals. He's a good guy.

My wife has gone out to one of those swanky corporate £100-a-table quiz nights that her employers like to show face at. I've told her that if she brings shame on the family by not winning her bags will be packed and on the doorstep when she stumbles in at god knows what hour! That reminds me, I'm hosting the annual quiz night for her employers and I always enjoy it. I guess they must too or they wouldn't ask me back every year. It's a paying gig but I've already spent the wages on my own little portable PA system, which has a built-in cassette deck for playing audio rounds.

This year's quiz has rounds on News, Numbers, Music, Sport, Televison/Film and Pot Luck as well as two audio rounds and two picture rounds. I'm very proud of the idea I had for one of the picture rounds but I can't tell you about it until after the "gig". I've also got to put a script of sorts together, so things are kept lively, altogether a lot of "gags" are off the cuff. One of Kirsty's colleagues described us as the Ian Brady and Myra Hindley of quiz. Not really sure how to take that!

Work was busy enough today but there was still time to receive and send a few more missives on the subject of the buses especially to Tony Martin, who heads up the Transportation committee. One e-mail I received from him this morning could've been written by Stagecoach themselves it was so sycophantic towards their plans. He confirmed the process by which Stagecoach has to follow before they can change/revise services. Fife Council are given a couple of weeks notice and then the Traffic Commissioner is given 56 days notice but even during that period, should passengers actually find out about the proposals, they have no real right of appeal. Well, they can, but it's as much use as a chocolate teapot. What is interesting, in the light of these procedures, is that Stagecoach plan to add an extra 0600 bus on Monday to the D7 route at the request of one of my neighbours because she starts work in Edinburgh at 0700. This bus isn't on the timetable at the moment and for it to go through it would have to undergo the aforementioned 10 week notice period. If this bus becomes a reality on Monday morning, without the going through the proper procedures, I'm sorely tempted to raise an objection purely to see what would happens. My neighbour would be a bit pissed off but as she's never had this bus previously she wouldn't miss it. I could never beat Stagecoach but I'd love to be able to kick them in the shins and run away! In one of my replies to Mr Martin I suggested that if Fife Council doesn't stand up and be counted they might as well rename Dunfermline "Stagecoach Tescoville".

I'm a longtime subscriber to Mojo and the highlight of the month is my attempt to complete the prize crossword without using any reference materials. So, I'm off to bed to with my Mojo, a Parker pen and a glass of water. Goodnight.

BBC Paul
=^..^=

P.S. Forth One's "The Word Is Out" competition has been running for a couple of months now and it's up to £4100 (started at £50 and goes up £50 per day). It's an achievement just to get through to the studio but most of us in the office try everyday. I NEED my own car and I'm desperate to win it. I was rather pissed off this morning when the Chief Inspector called me through to his office just as they were starting today's comp. Anyway, the phrase with the missing word, said by James Dean Bradfield, is "I don't want that to sound dismissive of the actual solo records themselves, I think they were kind of, they were good ________ exercises". We have a list of words in the office that we have on standby should any of us get through. Apparently, we'll kick ourselves when we finally hear the answer.

ON THE BUSES - DAY 2

World's most expensive shuttle bus: 2 passengers (Phil and I)
Driver knowledge: Nil (Had to tell him which buttons to press on his ticket machine so I could get my 12 journey ticket. At least the ticket actually came out today!)
Ferrytoll Incidents: 1 (X57 held back for being too early, which led to...)
...Queue Jumpers: 1 (I know who you are)
Journey Home: Lift from Tricia

Drove to my mother's after work so as to avoid guisers, if I'm being honest. Can't stand them. I'm a fully paid up member of the turn off all the lights and hide club. Some turned up as I was pulling away from home. K says the joke they told was shit; not even funny in a surreal or childish way.

Returned home to find a "Chelsea Tractor" parked outside my house. I wouldn't mind but the driver wasn't even visiting us. Thank fuck next door are moving. Their friends and relations park outside our house instead of theirs, their kids do the toilet behind number 7's rubbish bins and they don't say "please" or "thank you" when they ask for their ball back after kicking over the fence for the umpteenth time that day (sometimes they don't even ask for it, they just leave it in my garden. So I do the same!) They WILL NOT be missed. Anyway, I left a note on his windscreen to the effect that they should show some consideration by parking outside the house they're actually visiting. (Not only that but they were parked on the pavement, which is illegal).

The driver's response was to stick my note back through the letterbox. Twat! I repeat, thank god they're moving.

Also received a letter today from Life Property Management who look after the ground maintenance of the local area. I sent them an e-mail with 20 questions, querying the last bill they sent us. I'm still awaiting a response. They're inviting all the local residents to a meeting to discuss various issues (I wonder if my lengthy missive triggered that) and to look at forming a residents' association. Who are they to tell us to form an Association? In principle it's a good idea but there is definitely a them and us split in the local area and I could never see it working.

After 4 months I finally received a full-ish reply from Greig Mailer of the Scottish Premier League about the fixture lists. My correspondence was instigated by the SPL deciding to start the season with the Edinburgh derby. It's one of the big games of the season but they wouldn't open the season with a Celtic-Rangers game so why the Edinburgh derby? The SPL claims that there is no bias towards any one club but the facts don't bear that out.

Anyway, rather than go over it all you can read the relevant thread on the Hibees Bounce website: http://www.hibeesbounce.com/forum/showthread.php?t=57643

Apparently I'll be quoted in tomorrow's Dunfermline Press about the bus problems. Heaven help them if they misquote me after the Christmas lights debacle of three years ago. (I'll save that saga for another day).

It's close to midnight...

PRIDE (IN THE NAME OF BUS)

I’ve had to swallow my pride and get the bus to work. I would have had to give the rooster a shake (no, that’s not a euphemism) if I had to get up any earlier. As it was I was at the bus stop at 0635, 25 minutes earlier than I used to when we had the direct X57.

The bus, a D7, one of their new leather-seated, WiFi enabled carriages, is completely empty. I ask the driver for a “single to Edinburgh” and he replies, “How much is that, any ideas?” I just can’t believe these drivers! Eventually he finds the right buttons, only for the ticket to fail to appear from the machine.

I choose a seat and await the flood of X57 refugees. One regular, a blonde girl, gets on at the next stop and that’s it until we reach the Ferrytoll Park and Ride! Stagecoach has boasted of putting 29 new buses on the roads of Fife at a cost of £4.5m, which means £155,172 per bus. The world’s most expensive shuttle bus!

Luckily I get off and join the queue for the next bus. Only the X57 and 55 stop where I need to get off for work and as sod’s law would have it it’s an X57 that turns up. It’s another one of the new fleet and I make the mistake of sitting in front of a woman whose sole topic of conversation, to anyone who’ll listen, is public transport. I’ve had enough of buses to last a lifetime and the last thing I need is to hear all about it on the way over the Forth Road Bridge en route to work. I get out my mp3 player and turn out.

My plan is to get a £23 bus ticket in the morning and, when I can’t get a lift from my friends, a Flexipass for the train home between Haymarket and Dunfermline Town, which retails at £34. But at least it’s £34 that isn’t going into Stagecoach’s coffers.

I’m more determined than ever to make some money (eBay?) so that I can get my own car. I’ve always been a keen supporter of public transport but enough is enough.

When I got to work this morning I found an e-mail from Laura Cummings at the Dunfermline Press wishing to speak to me about the public transport problems. And there’s me thinking that the Dunfermline Press hated me.

Luckily Tricia is doing the Body Attack class and has offered me a lift home. I’m not doing the class because I didn’t bring my stuff but I’ll work on to build up some flexi time, just in case I get any more radio interviews soon!

THE TRICK IS TO KEEP BREATHING

I spent last night agonising over how on earth I was going to get to work. I was going to walk to Rosyth and then get the train but then I realised I didn't have any money and there's no cash machine en route. I got so wound up about the whole situation that my depression got even deeper.

I came downstairs to watch Sky One's "Nothing But The Truth". Hosted by Jerry Springer, contestants are hooked up to a lie-detector and asked a tailored set of increasingly personal and risqué questions about their life. Participants must then truthfully answer a selection of these questions again in front of a studio audience, winning cash prizes along the way. Their closest friends, family and partners in the audience hearing every confession.

The first contestant last night was the double of Simon Day's Billy Bleach character from The Fast Show. I was half expecting him to say "Hold the bells, mate". He won £10000 relatively easily. Obviously it's looking for the shock value when friends and family find out something about the contestant that they didn't know but I don't know that I'll watch any more. The second contestant really annoyed me although she managed to upset her mother by confessing that she resented her mother bringing her back from China! I don't think my life will be any worse off by not watching this. (P.S. It was also rather annoying when Jerry kept lifting his glasses up everytime he needed to ask a question).

I e-mailed my supervisor last night to let her know I wouldn't be in today. My head is in such a mess. It's all over the place. I suggested that I change my hours from 8-4 to 9-5 so that I can get a lift to the train station with my wife in the morning. The other alternative is to get a job in Dunfermline but the biggest employers are Fife Council and the thought of working for them doesn't fill me with joy. I already told Steve Walker at Stagecoach that now that I'm driving I wouldn't be applying to be a bus driver. Do I look like a people person?

I've deactivated my Facebook account and deleted my Bebo and MySpace accounts. I'd been with MySpace since 27 January 2006 and while I've made some new friends through it I'm finding it a chore. I'm not enjoying it and when it gets to that stage I'd rather just walk away. I wish I could do the same with my job. I like the people I work with but it just doesn't fulfil me. Last week when I was doing the various media stuff three people said to me "oh you're wasted in here". I KNOW. But I just can't get focused enough to see a clear way out of it. It's like I have a permanent black fog hovering around me and nothing I do will lift it. Answers on a postcard...

This morning's music on my 5-CD Changer (the one that I won on "Wheel of Fortune") is:

1. Ray Davies - Working Man's Cafe (V2)
2. Various - Run Mascara: Here Come The Girls Volume 3 (Sequel)*
3. Various - Playin' Hard To Get: West Coast Girls (Ace)
4. Various - Dead: The Grim Reaper's Greatest Hits (Ace)
5. Various - Swinging Mademoiselles: Groovy French Sounds From The 60s (Silva Screen)

* I'm still looking for volumes 2, 4, 5 and 6

Thank god for music.

And coffee.